Update - uBPD/NPD sister called

[hhaw]

It seems the problem is......

we care what other people think, IME.

It's easier to put this down when we realize people deserving of our care won't automatically believe the PD story and will come to us for clarification before jumping to conclusions,IME.

Anyone who falls for the PD's chaos/confusion manufacture is likely not someone who likes us or can be trusted, IME.

Sometimes they're just people who enjoy gossip and drama, so aren't people I need in my life upon reflection anyway.

My T said upset and anxiety are usually tied to my struggle with my struggle to accept something going on in my life.  I find she's usually spot on, upon reflection.

[nanotech]

After decades of guilt and shame and obligation that had me over functioning for the borderlines and narcissists in my FOO, I discovered that all the helpfulness in the world, ultimately wouldn't 'help' or  win their approval.

For years I believed I was responsible for the happiness of every member of my FOO. This was the role I was given.  My efforts ranged far and wide, and the pressure was heavy and constant.

What I got for my efforts, was their  continual criticism, their contempt and their disdain.

Let that soak in
What I got was their contempt and disdain. I wasn't respected. I wasn't appreciated. I often got told I had made the situation worse. I was frequently ostracised for months for perceived slights.

We are set up to fail.

So there isn't really any point.

They don't want a solution. They want drama, emotional supply though the 'poor me' syndrome. Then later on they again get emotional supply through pointing the finger at us.
It's cyclical and it's toxic. That's why it can feel as if we are spiralling downward and we can't breathe.

It's all so they don't have to deal with their own stuff in any sort of mature way.

[Hilltop]

My parents would say that about family all the time, that family was so important, that weddings, funerals etc are the moments that are really important to be there for one another and yet it was those times when they acted the most atrocious, did things that were unlike what a family should be.  Your sister throws out the family line because that's what brings on our guilt because we want family, nice family however it seems to be a one way street.  You give your sister the family that she wants a normal loving family and yet you yourself don't get one in return.

Self compassion is so important.  It took me a long time to realise that I was thinking about everyone else's thoughts and feelings and I didn't really think about my own.  Of course I thought that I was hurt or upset but I didn't really think underneath that, that I was worthy of having my family act loving toward me.  Self compassion is knowing that you need to take care of yourself.

[guitarman]

Thanks for all the replies and support.

My sister just called me but I didn't answer the phone. She didn't leave a message.

I know what she's after.

Now I'm all on edge wondering if she'll visit. The anticipatory dread, hyper vigilance and flashbacks have started. I won't let her in or speak to her if she does visit. I'll ignore her and pretend I'm not here. 

I've got a mental health support group online meeting booked for later in a few hours which will be good, if I'm up to it. They are a lovely group of people.

It will soon be the two year anniversary of our mother passing away. I still can't believe that it's happened. I miss her so much. I've had hardly any contact with my sister since then and I don't want to have any further contact with her. I'm adamant about that.

I'm OK just ruminating, as ever. I'll do some Mindfulness meditations and distract myself but that's sometimes difficult to do when in panic mode.

I've done so well for setting boundaries and not contacting my sister for so long. I thought I had made progress but apparently not as much as I thought. I need to be gentle with myself and do as much as I can. I'm doing the best I can do.

This is what decades of trauma and abuse does. One unanswered phone call and I freak out.

[hhaw]

At least you're aware of you're reactivity, gm.

Now you have the opportunity to breathe and perhaps cultivate more choice.....outside the reactivity, creating ability to respond and be responsive...to yourself and everyone around you.

Keep breathing.

[Hilltop]

Its really hard not to react though, one phone call and it can just bring it all back.  I would be exactly the same if my sister called me, I would be out of sorts for a few weeks over it.  Give yourself time, you will work through it.

@nanotech what you wrote really impacted with me 'What I got for my efforts, was their  continual criticism, their contempt and their disdain'.  It is so true, it doesn't matter what I do I have always had criticism, contempt and disdain. 

As I read it I really felt that I'm happy to move on because that's freedom, understanding that nothing I do matters, it will be criticised no matter what. 

[guitarman]

Thanks everyone.

[guitarman]

I'm having vivid nightmares about my uBPD/NPD sister. It's not surprising after all the decades of abuse I've endured from her.

I've not been in contact with her for two years but she still torments me in my head.

Do you talk to your abuser? In her absence I calmly talk to my sister. I state why I'm not in contact with her. I talk about my feelings. She shouts back at me that I don't care about her. It's what she used to do when I didn't do what she wanted.

I'm trying to look after myself. I am living with depression so every day is different and mostly difficult to do the most simplest of tasks. I'm taking antidepressants, when I remember to take them.

I have joined a daily mental health support group online. We begin by doing Mindfulness meditations then we talk about our feelings. It's very supportive.

Today I'm SO tired. Most days are like this. Yesterday I went for a walk around a local park. I take photos on my iPhone whenever I go out. It's the only thing at the moment that brings me any joy. I have severe negative thinking about everything so I think that the photos aren't very good even though I get good comments about them online.

I can't seem to shift this negative thinking pattern. It's all part of depression and CPTSD.

I learned a new phrase "Depressed equals deep rest" so that's what I'm doing.

[nanotech]

I saw this online today and I can identify with it.

"When you cut off someone from your life, they will never tell people the full story, they will only tell them the part that makes you look bad and them innocent."

Yes this is so true. This is happened in my life too.
It's a big step, when you decide to stop worrying about all of that nonsense. The threat of damaging my reputation through smearing, was their biggest and last hold on me.
For a long time after I had become enlightened to the dysfunction in my family, I carried on humouring them, even flattering them.
I thought I was 'being the bigger person', but really I was still playing the same old game, and further enabling them to eventually attack me again.
I realised that though I'd stopped fighting,  I was still 'fawning'. (fight, flight, freeze, fawn). In this way, I was still clinging  my ascribed role of fixer/ scapegoat. I was still giving them narcissistic supply.
I'm sending my best and most positive thoughts to you.
We are not born thinking negatively. Newborns  only have  two fears, loud noises and a fear of falling. All other fears are learned. Some are healthy, but many fearful thoughts are implanted and embedded  by toxic people. Toxic narcissists have no self worth deep down themselves. They've created a false self, which feeds off others putting them down in order to try to raise their own fragile self esteem.  This is why they can't stop.

Negative thoughts are not you. They've been placed there through past abuse. When we stop the ongoing  abuse it's a major step, but then the past abuse can become horrific negative self -criticism.

When I get like this, (it's work in progress and sometimes I still allow it to rent space in my head), I always challenge it as the imposter it is. It isn't easy to do this, and sometimes it can take time. But I keep on keeping on.
I know I'm   competent, caring, calm, empathic, honest and very loving. I'm not having anyone else convince  me otherwise! Not no more.

That voice is literally not you. It's them. 

I love that you walk and take photos. Believe the people that are telling you they like them!  They SEE you and they appreciate you.
 
Sometimes when I interact with a family member I sort of deem 'ok' ( she's not really)  I spot footprints of my brother's gossip in her replies. - that's how I know it''s happening.  When I see it I take it as reassurance that I've done the right thing in stepping back. Its nice when I can I can spot his reactivity and his emotion- led  criticism of me. I  have a chuckle at the absurd spin he's clearly put on my decision to calmly and with love, tell him I wasn't going to converse through texting any more, unless my dad was seriously ill. (no more awful finger pointing drama texts, followed by his then ghosting me).
In the past I would have worried and been very upset and self critical. Not now.

I have some extended family members who aren't toxic- so this is where I go now.
I don't discuss the issues with them - and so far they haven't been enlisted as flying monkeys. When I went NC and VLC  with FOO I was prepared to lose them too. But I haven't.
It's this unsaid stuff that is a validation that they  may realise some things too, about my FOO.

I'm glad you are resting. I like to rest too, and  I meditate.
When I do that, I know I'm loved, just as I am. I clear my mind by breathing deeply, and looking for the space between the thoughts. That's me, that space. It's you too.  If thoughts jump up, try to view them without emotion- observe don't  absorb, then move away back into your true self, detach, and  just breathe. All the best, Guitarman

[guitarman]

Thank you.

I'm too tired right now to post any more than that. X

[moglow]

Guitarman, please take a little time to read over your posts to others. You have it within you, so maybe find a way to start applying that care and compassion to yourself, understand that you need it as much as they do.

Depression is an ugly big black dog to carry - it's exhausting even when it's not "as bad" some days as others. Triggers find us out of nowhere and we learn yet again that the only way out is through. We work through it, pray through it, even sleep when we can. Then there's a glimmer of something brighter, some laughter or at least a smile. And it's still hard.

Years ago a friend on a similar board reached out to me during a really dark time, asked me to think through what I can do [take the focus off my ruminating]. Her advice to get me through: Get out of bed and make that bed, every day. Take a shower or bath and put on clean clothes, every day. Put on shoes too [I don't wear shoes inside, so I declined this one!]. Eat something nutritious, even something small, every day. While chores pile up around you and you don't have the energy or will to attack them, pick one thing and commit yourself to that for one hour - clean the bathroom or kitchen, start on the laundry, vacuum a room, etc. At the end of that hour, decide either to continue and finish the job or do something else. Either way, look a the progress you made in that one hour! Take a break or take a nap up to an hour, then pick a new chore. Maybe turn on some music you like. Go outside, even if only to carry out that bag of garbage from the kitchen - take a walk if/when the spirit moves you. The thing is to focus on progress, doing good things for yourself and your surroundings.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

Peace, friend.

[nanotech]

I agree with moglow on everything.
Guitarman, please don't feel the need to reply at length each time.
Rest and recuperate, and feel well soon. 
Thinking of you, and sending you my best heartfelt wishes. 

[guitarman]

X

[LemonLime]

Guitarman, you have been a beacon of light and a source of solidarity and comfort to me so many times.   I don't have advice, just a wish for peace and serenity for you.   

[guitarman]

Thank you all so much. I really appreciate this community.

I have good energy at the moment so I'm able to reply. It's how I am.

I have joined an online Zoom support group and visit most days. It's helped me a lot just to be able to talk to others facing similar situations.

My negative thinking has really got a grip and it's sometimes so difficult to counteract it's control. Mindfulness guided meditations help me to disengage and obverse my thoughts non judgementally and calmly. I surf the thought waves.

I'm so drained of energy most of the time. I don't want to do anything. It's not like me.

I've been taking antidepressants and I notice if I miss taking them, which I often do as I have such a bad memory.

It's been two years since my mother passed away. My father passed away thirteen years ago. To me it seems like yesterday.

Bereavement, coping with my parent's health issues including caring for my mother 24/7 who was living with Alzheimer's disease and being consumed by my uBPD/NPD sister's abusive behaviour for decades have all taken their toll on my mental and physical health.

"Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best that you can" I tell myself. It helps but it's difficult to change long held habits and thought patterns. Letting go and letting be are difficult.

My sister's adult children seem to be thriving. Their welfare was always my main concern when they were younger. They aren't in contact with me often these days but I presume the best. They are both in loving relationships and in work.

I live on my own. I have very supportive siblings, other than my sister whom I've not had contact with for two years and never want to see again.

I keep ruminating about the past but that's all part of grief, depression and CPTSD. I'm trying to live more in the present by doing Mindfulness meditations, walking and taking photos and reminding myself that I'm safe.

I wish you all well on your own journey of recovery. It's not easy, just keep sharing.

Thank you all.

X

[nanotech]

Guitarman,
I'm so glad you are feeling better. I'm sending lots of hugs-and best wishes too. 
It's a lot to deal with, and you're doing it well.
Yes, I'll keep posting too- I wouldn't be without this website and this forum.

[Coyote23]

This is beautiful.

GM:

Reading your post... it almost seems like.... you're not sure you believe you're done witih "idiot" compassion.

Maybe you have unconscious beliefs...... requiring tending to...... with a good trauma informed T who can lead you through it with economy of motion?

It almost seems like you're worried your sister's presense and loud disordered opinions count more than the lessons you've learned, the truth you've accepted and thoughtful plans, you've put in place, for dealing with your pd sister.

The panic is reactivity, btw.  You body and brain pathways' default setttings when anything PD sis pops up.

It's a biochemical hijack.... nothing you can control.  It only gets worse when one attemtps to think their way out of it, IME.

There are ways to sneak up underneath the biochemical hijack and unhook it.....to activate your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) so your fight or flight mode can be turned off.

Deep breathing...
4 seconds in...
hold 4 seconds....
out 4 seconds is a good start, IME.

You can push on doorjambs with all your might while thinking about your breathing.  The body wants to ACT when in fight or flight.... sometimes we can't even breathe our way out, so this can be very helpful.

Noticing the neutral feeling places in your body and breathing into them... focused on them.

Noticing the pain/pressure/tension in the body and breathing into it.  Put adjectives to it..... burning?  Throbbing?  Give it a number from 1 to 10, 10 being unbearable.  Breathe into it for 10 breaths, while focusing on the pain...... then check it. If it's getting better, continue breathing into it and checking it till it's gone or stops improving.

If it stops improving, focus on a neutral part of your body for a while...... then check your surroudings.  Notice the colors and shapes arond you.  Notice the sounds and scents.  Notice the space above, beside and below you. 

I always felt better when I breathed that spaciousness INTO the pain in my body.... usually chest, throat or back area, in my case.

With practice, the ability to be SO very KIND to yourself....
by dropping all judgment and replacing it with curiosity.....one can learn to create a moment or 2 BEFORE the reactivity takes us into fight or flight.

it creates a small space where choice lives.

Learning to create those few seconds to choose is about shifting from reactivity and fight or flight and changing it into the ability to be more responsive..... avoiding the chemical hijack and distress...... finding there's joy in those spaces and it's been there all the time.

We just forgot it was there.

Keep breathing, GM.

You deserve to put up healthy boundaries and you're obligated to enforce them, IMO.

You don't need anyone's permission and approval
but
your
own.

It's going to be OK.

I promise.

[Hilltop]

Guitarman I read your post and really related to it.  I think there are times when it creeps up on us and its simply too much.  The stress from the past suddenly comes rushing in.  The exhaustion for me is the worst. I am glad you are feeling better.  I would say it helps to eat nutritionally at this time.  I also find getting outside helps, even if just to sit in the sun, even just for a bit.  Keep telling yourself that you are safe.  Remind yourself that you never have to see your PD sister again.  I have found telling myself that I am safe helps calm me.  I suppose find those small things that work for you and keep at them.

Be compassionate towards yourself.  Our bodies just need a little rest and then we keep putting one foot in front of the other and get to the other side. 

Its ok if you are too tired today or tomorrow, it won't last.  Don't feel the need to have to do everything if you need to rest, rest.  I sometimes find I have so much negative self talk when I am too exhausted to do anything and this is where I need self compassion the most.

One thing that helps me a lot is reminding myself that I don't have to put up with any of it anymore, its done.  Just keep reminding yourself that you will no longer be seeing your sister, its done and over.  She can't hurt you again.

I hope you continue feeling better, its rough when we have days like this, you aren't alone. 

[guitarman]

Thanks everyone.

I've taken a break from being online. It can become overwhelming and triggering. I haven't watched much television for two years for that reason.

I went food shopping yesterday. For me that's a major achievement at the moment. I didn't buy too much as I have a painful back and I had to walk home carrying it.

Everything is such an effort. Even thinking and doing simple tasks.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Stay safe.

X

[Hilltop]

Yep I have really stopped reading a lot of news because the negativity was too much.  Online I have stopped reading numerous sites and given up on social media.  I am trying to be more aware of doing things that make me feel better.  I love Xmas holiday movies so at the moment I am watching a ton. I like to zone out and just enjoy watching them.  Are you still taking photographs? 

Glad you are feeling better.  I'm sure a sore back won't be helping with your fatigue either.

As others have said pick one thing you need to do, just shower and do that.  No matter how much you fight against doing it just do that one thing.  You will feel better after. 

Keep telling yourself you are safe.  You may feel like you will be in this forever but you aren't going to be, you can't see it now but you are going to come through this, you really are.  You may not believe this now or feel like it is even possible but at some point a crack of light will come in and that crack will get bigger.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will get there. 

I am sending virtual hugs your way.