I'm so tired. I have enough.

[waterfalls]

Please allow me to get this off my chest. I'm going through a tough time (like many others right now, I realize).     

For the past 3 years I've been working under a passive-aggressive boss in a toxic work environment that has only gotten worse during the pandemic with all the restrictions I'm working under. If it were possible for me to get another job, I would, but there aren't full-time jobs in my field with good health insurance near where I live.     

Everyday is a struggle for me to get out of bed and deal with a crappy boss and crappy co-workers. Through all this, my husband has been a wonderful support. I try to be positive and upbeat for him--I meditate, do yoga, go for walks to calm myself--but it's getting more and more difficult for me to do. I'm struggling. Each morning is a challenge just to get out of bed and face another day.   

Add to this that I'm perimenopausal. I started taking hormones last year to help control my emotions and to get some much needed sleep (even with them, I need to take sleep aids; I have no problem sleeping on the weekends when I'm off from work, and I'm calm and relaxed when I'm not at work).   

On top of all this, add my NPD mother who, naturally, does not give words of support or advice, but criticism that raises my stress and anxiety levels even higher than they are already. She tells me I better get my act together, I better put myself on antidepressants because I'm jeopardizing my marriage, that my husband is not going to put up with me forever with me going through all these things, etc, etc.     

I'm just soooooo tired of her and everything I'm dealing with. I'm trying to keep things together, but I'm losing it. I have pressure to stay in a job I hate because I have no way out of it right now. My husband had one surgery in June that would have cost $30k without insurance (we paid $3k instead), and he's going to need another one before the year is over.   

When my mom was in jobs she disliked (I later learned that it was her being an NPD which made them sour and turn her co-workers against her), I tried to be understanding and supportive of her. Yes, I know better than to expect her to be understanding and supportive of me, but it still hurts. It also hurts to always be reminded by her that no one had it more difficult than her, worse than her, whatever. I'm just so tired of her and everything I'm going through. And the self-care I'm trying to do is not helping as much as it once did. 

If you made it this far, thank you for caring enough to reach the end of this post.

[Thru the Rain]

I was in a similar work situation, and it took me a couple years of planning to exit that job. But in the meantime, having an intention to leave got me through a bunch of difficult days.

This article really resonated with me: How to Tell If Your Boss is a Narcissist: https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2011/12/12/how-to-tell-if-your-boss-is-a-narcissist-and-5-ways-to-avoid-getting-fired-by-one/?sh=5626a9c9ce08 Hoping this helps.

And I'm sorry to hear your husband needed surgery. Medical problems and medical bills both suck!

[JustKat]

Hi waterfalls,

I'm so sorry that you're stuck in a toxic work environment. I've been there and related to so much of what you wrote.

My mother also had trouble in the workplace due to her NPD. She couldn't get along with anyone and walked off of every job she had, sometimes within days of starting. Subsequently, she would become absolutely giddy if I told her I was having problems with my own job. The only way I could deal with it was to lie to her. I had one job in particular that was a toxic "boys club" environment where I was terribly underpaid. I knew she'd be delighted so I lied and told her I was making great money and loved what I was doing. As soon as she heard I was happy in my job she immediately changed the subject.

Narcissists feed off our pain. It's bad enough being stuck in a bad work environment. You don't need your mother gloating and rubbing salt in the wound. When we're unhappy with our careers we naturally want to confide in someone who will support us, but a narc with never do that. My best advice is to keep this between you and your hubby, or your closest friends (or this forum). If your mother asks you about work just tell her things are better. If she thinks you're happy at work she'll never want to talk about it again.

I also have menopause-related insomnia so I really get how the fatigue can push you to the breaking point. It sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive husband and I do hope he's feeling better after his surgeries. If you need a place to vent, this is the place. You're among friends here. Sending hugs and hoping you can come up with a plan to exit that job.

[waterfalls]

Thank you for your support, Thru the Rain and JustKathy--you picked me up when I was feeling pretty low. I'm sorry you found yourselves in difficult work environments; I'm hoping you're both working in better places now.

JustKathy--it sounds like your mom and mine can shake hands. I remember when my mom got her first job in 1984 when I was 10. She always complained about the people she worked with, how they were all bad, didn't do their work, couldn't be trusted, etc. I remember hearing about her workday from the time she came home until the time she went to bed; this went on everyday until she retired 10 years ago (at least when I was at college or lived away, I only heard it for a limited time on the phone). She would quit one job after another, sometimes right on the spot without having another one lined up. I remember praying for her, being supportive of her; it gets to me that I can't and won't get that same support from her.

Looking back, I kind of resent being more of her support and friend than her daughter when I was still a kid going through school (when I was older, I felt more like her surrogate husband). Now, I resent my mom telling me that I take things too seriously and that I let little things bother me (the same little things that made her literally quit at a moment's notice). If I handled things the way my mother handled them, I wouldn't be working in the same job now for over 12 years (the longest she ever lasted was 7).

When we're unhappy with our careers we naturally want to confide in someone who will support us, but a narc with never do that.

So true! I have to keep reminding myself that I can't say everything to my NPD mother, and yes, she does feed off pain and drama. I'm very grateful to you guys and this forum. It's good to know I'm among friends here who understand. Thank you!

[Hilltop]

Yep I've been in toxic workplaces and its really hard to drag yourself in to work, its an unpleasant environment to be in all day.  Its probably a lot harder when you are not sleeping well.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things to take care of yourself.  I'm at that stage in life as well and I have bouts of insomnia as well.  I don't know why but at this stage in life I would give anything to be retiring and just be able to relax for a while.  I really feel I need a year off to simply unwind and relax.  However that's not possible for me either.

Ugh it would be great if our mothers were supportive but its not going to happen.  I remember I would talk about world events with my mother and she would tell me to lighten up and not worry or stress so much. I got shushed all the time.  Now that they are retired I find they are suddenly so involved in world events and to them there is nothing wrong with that.  Its simply the case that there is no empathy, if its not interesting to them, its simply not interesting, if it concerns you they won't get it even if they have been there before like your mother and her work situation.  They don't have the ability to look at a situation and remember how it felt for them.  Its not their problem so nope they don't want to deal with it.  Its hard not to have that support especially when you have so much going on.

Have a good cry if you need it, I've found that has helped me at times, don't hold in that emotion, let it out.  Have you thought about any concrete steps to change workplaces.  Even if its working out how much longer you have to be there for and then marking a date for when you can move on, look at any vacation time you may have. 

[Hazy111]

Yep ive been there. But knowing its not you thats the problem is half the battle and knowing one day you wont be here ( the job that is) anymore is the other!! Good luck!!

[waterfalls]

Thanks, Hilltop and Hazy111, for your encouragement and kind words--I'm very grateful.

Hilltop, you sure hit the nail on the head. I'm with you--I would love to take even a few months off to rest and put myself together physically and mentally. I would also love to retire right now, but I can't. My mother is a homebody (even before the pandemic) and has few friends. Being retired now, she focuses on her bad health and the pain in various parts of her body along with the news, acting like anything that's going on in the world (especially politics) is happening personally to her. And she gets offended if I don't seem to care about news/politics as much as she does (it's not that I don't care or am not interested, I'm just more focused on the day-to-day crap I have to deal with at work and pulling through it).

My mother, unfortunately, remembers very well what she went through at work and has no problem bringing it up and reliving it. But there's no empathy for me (not that I expected to get much). Whatever she went through was always worse than what I'm going through. It's always about her, not that that's a surprise.

I work in a small unit. There are 6 of us. 3 of us are younger, and those 3 are on their phones constantly and doing little work (co-worker A is even doing college courses online on the clock; my supervisor sees this and does nothing). My supervisor is passive-aggressive; she stays in her office all day and doesn't deal with what's happening outside. If she does come out, it's to criticize, rarely to praise. As long as we had decent people working, things were fine. However, over time, the decent people either left or retired one by one, and the younger 3 were hired and eventually even promoted by this supervisor (she hates interviewing).  She she promoted 2 people who shouldn't be promoted (co-worker B had a DUI and was in and out of court for months, she calls in sick whenever it's a Friday or any other time she can; co-worker C is incredibly immature, unfocused, and doesn't get work done).

I and co-worker D are the ones who are doing the bulk of the work. Co-worker D is retiring in a few weeks because she can't stand the situation anymore. Co-worker D tells me that my supervisor was talking to her about retiring in the near future (supervisor turns 59 next year). There will be some big changes in the near future. I am looking for work (the prospects of other jobs aren't good at the moment), but it also might be worth hanging on. Not to mention, since my husband is self-employed and works from home, we get our health insurance through my job.

So to cope during the day, I'm taking my breaks (I didn't in the past) to walk outside the building, get some fresh air and movement, and calm myself down. At home, I go for another walk, do yoga, meditate, and read. I'm very grateful for my husband, who's been very understanding and wonderful (he even heated up a frozen pizza to have ready when I came home last night). I've shed many tears.

Yesterday, I was actually holding it together pretty well until my mother called me when I was outside walking during my lunch break to tell me how I better keep things together. Even when I told her my lunch was over and I had to go, she still tried to hang on the phone and sounded pissed off that I had to go. When she was working, she didn't want me calling her, but the same rules apparently don't apply to me even though I told her I can't talk at work and not to call me unless it's an emergency. Yesterday was not a good day thanks to my mother.

Thanks again to everyone for listening and being so supportive. You can't imagine how you've helped me and built me up again.

[Lisa]

Waterfalls, what a difficult situation you are in.  I have been there too, a high stress job that wasn't aligned with me and a terrible boss, I remember very well how hard it was to wake up and go to work.  Each morning I was immediately filled with dread and a pit in my stomach.  In hindsight I wish I had taken advantage of the sick leave my work offered, I let my pride get and unhealthy thoughts get in the way (never feeling good enough used to make me go above and beyond every expectation- thanks MOM!).  If this is an option at all in your work place I support you in accessing it!
I have also found acupuncture to be greatly beneficial for me in managing stress, sleeping better etc. And I love the brand rescue remedy for it's herbal calming products.  Wishing you well!!

[AD]

I'm so sorry, Waterfalls. I was in a situation of being bullied at work not so long ago, and know how soul destroying it is to work in a toxic environment. I'm glad you're taking time for some self-care - taking your breaks, going for walks, meditation, etc.

I'm not sure if this will be helpful, but one of the things that helped me was to try to list out my options. Even if none of the options were ideal or didn't seem possible (as I know quitting does not seem like an option for you), it helped me to know that I still had a choice ultimately  (e.g. asking to move to another section, filing a complaint, taking stress leave, quitting).

I know that job prospects are not good, but could you devote some time to applying for other positions, or brainstorming alternatives that may not be your dream job, but would at least get you out of there? (Even something like Starbucks, which would not take account of your experience and qualifications, but could be a short term option just to get you out of there - I understand that the company offers a good health insurance plan).

Could you turn your phone off during the day, or just choose not to answer any calls from your Mom? (Or for even longer periods of time, for that matter). It must be so difficult to deal with her putting you down on top of everything else.

justKathy: This rang a bell for me: "she would become absolutely giddy if I told her I was having problems with my own job". I noticed this once with my PD F, he had been told by the enabling parent that I was not happy in my job and was looking for something else, and you could see on his face how happy he was about it. It was another moment of revelation, realizing that he truly does not want good things for me.

Sending you strength and hoping that things take a turn for the better soon.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

The work situation sounds challenging, and I am sorry you have to deal with that. Like others have posted, I also have had several years working for what I recognized to be a dysfunctional boss and toxic environment. Ironically, some of what you mention about others on the team talking on their personal phone, and not doing much work while you feel like you are left to carry the load is very familiar to me. The boss of course never sees it, or seems to deliberately allow it. It does not seem right, and I cannot explain it. I do want to say though, it is not your fault. 
       
I have wondered if it adds complexity for those of us who possess awareness of such dynamics. Others seem to hum away happily, completely oblivious and appear to do just fine. I think we cannot un-know it though. I think the way your boss treats you is not a reflection of you. It is her. I think you are doing good things right now for self-care, and am glad you have support from your husband. Just sending you my support. 

[waterfalls]

Thank you Lisa, AD, and Blueberry Pancakes--I thank you for your kindness in writing, your advice, and your support.

I'm trying to hang in there with work, the pandemic, and everything, but I'm not doing very well today. I realize it's partly my fault because last night I called to check in my mother after that infamous call she made to me at lunch on Thursday. I was actually managing halfway decent until then. When I called on her after work to see how she and my father were doing, she went on to tell me about all her aches and pains, the current events, politics, and how I'm a pushover at work. I'm not entirely surprised, but it got to me all the same. I'm feeling very tired, weak, and vulnerable at the moment, and after I got off the phone with her, I crumpled on the floor and became this mound heaving with sobs, embarrassingly with my husband as a witness.

I know my mother is an NPD, I know what that entails. I try to be a good daughter to her and my father, while at the same time trying to protect myself and my mental health. Right now, with my work situation, the pandemic, being an HSP, and being perimenopausal big-time, I've reached my limit. I don't want my husband to see me the way he saw me last night. It isn't fair to him, and it's not the real me.

I'm not calling my mother today. I need space, and if she needs her "narcissistic supply," I'm sure she'll have no problem calling me instead. I'm working today and am just trying to keep myself together to get through this work day.

I know I need help.  When I see my gyno next month, I think I'm going to ask her if she can give me something to take the edge off since my perimenopause is in full swing and not helping me in dealing with everything I'm dealing with. I feel like I'm going through my second puberty, and all the other things going on in my life are not helping.

Thank you, everyone, for just being there and being supportive. I'm truly grateful to all of you reading and taking the time to write to me. Thank you for your understanding.

[Tribe16]

Waterfalls,

Sending my support - I left a toxic boss 7 months ago because my husband got a job out of state - I was never so happy to leave a job in my life! I went out that door and never looked back. I was stuck for awhile because my husband was laid off and looking for work for 14 months. It was no fun. I had to stay there for the benefits and to keep us afloat... he has twice my earning potential, and I didn't like being the breadwinner, but with his unemployment and my salary we managed. During this time, before I knew about PDs and this website, my mom started being overtly negative. She was unsympathetic, and literally said, "There are worse things than having a husband out of work for a year" and proceeded to to tell me why her problems were so much more significant than mine. Needless to say, that was the day I realized that I couldn't safely share problems with her anymore. The sad thing was, when I started sharing happy or good things with her, she was indifferent and started acting resentful. Both my daughter and husband said she was acting as if she were jealous. I didn't want to accept that, because moms are supposed to be loving and supportive, right? They celebrate their children's successes, right? That's what I do with my kids!

Things were getting really bad between her and I and couldn't figure out what was going on. I even started therapy because Mom was taking up so much of my mental space. I've learned a lot. I'm sure we had a codependent relationship; I was the people pleaser, she's been the controller. It's been a life long thing really and I always knew something "was wrong with me" but could never put my finger on it. Therapy, this website, lots of reading has helped me give it a name. Pretty sure mom is a undiagnosed covert narc (her behaviors tick so many of the boxes) and my getting healthier makes me unsafe for her. As a result, she hasn't called me in over 9 months (I keep making the effort to keep the relationship going). I would call - she would be flat out critical, cold, indifferent, condescending. She even stopped saying "I love you" at the end of calls.

The last phone call, I said "I can't do this anymore." I can't keep feeling hurt, rejected, discarded every time I get off the phone with her. I made a decision to stop calling and only communicate via card or text. It is hard, it still feels weird, but each day is a little easier. I dwell on her a little less. It doesn't mean I don't love her, or wish her peace, but I'm going to put my effort into nourishing relationships with myself and my family (hubby, kids, grandkids) and people who I enjoy being around. Being around Mom is a downer. It sounds like time spent on the phone with your Mom is a downer too.

Don't feel guilty or like a bad daughter if you retreat and show yourself self-care by doing so. Of course you are not. These PD parents are sick and I swear there is some kind of generational mindset that as their children we are required to endure their crap. We are not. You are not. I wish you peace and the ability to mother yourself when you need it.   

[waterfalls]

Thank you, Tribe16, for your kind words and for your support. I'm glad that you were able to leave your job and toxic boss. There's a lot of pressure when you're in the situation of breadwinner, and it's even worse when your parent, who you would hope shows you some support, doesn't give much encouragement. Since I currently make more than my husband and we get health insurance, which we both need, through my job, I feel pressure to hang on until something happens, whether that's a new employee coming in and changing the dynamic, my boss retiring in the not so distant future, or me being able to find another position elsewhere.

I also understand about having a codependent relationship with your PD mother; I had that with mine. And just like you, I was the one who always tried to please, and she was (and still tries to be) the controller. I went through therapy for a number of years; that and this website has helped me as well.

Despite knowing that my mother is an NPD, I always feel that I'm balancing between taking care of myself and my needs, and trying to be a good daughter. Thank you for giving me "permission" to not feel guilty or to retreat when I feel the need to do so.

There have been times when my mother actually has tried to be helpful, but there have been a number of times, like now, when my mother hasn't been very supportive and turns things around to make it about her and how bad things are for her. I don't expect her or anyone to necessarily be able to fix things for me, but it's nice just to hear "I understand," "hang in there," or "take things one step at a time." It does nothing for my peace of mind or stress levels to tell me, when I'm going through a difficult time, that I "better get myself together," or my "marriage is going to be in jeopardy" if I don't start taking antidepressants and to do something about how I'm handling things.

I thank you and everyone here for your support and kindness at a time when I could use a little of both. I'm very grateful.

[moglow]

Waterfalls, I feel your pain today. I understand all too well and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Baby steps - sometimes I know it's a cha cha with two steps forward and one back, but you can do this. We're here with you. :hugs:

[waterfalls]

Thank you, moglow. 

[MarlenaEve]

Waterfalls,

You have my sympathies regarding your toxic work environment. Been there, too. It's very stressful and can cause burn out.
But, like moglow said, take small steps. One day at a time. What can you do today to make yourself feel better about this particular situation?

In my past experience, I would vent everything to a therapist and she was very kind, she gave me all the time in the world to get prepared for quitting that job and choose the career I told her I want to have. It took me 3 years if I remember of preparation before I quit.
I worked in Northern Europe then so health insurance wasn't an issue-so I do understand your fear regarding health insurance.

Journaling is a great stress-relieving tool, it actually helps me at the moment with the stress of dealing with my narcs. Meditation is another thing that's helpful to me. Also, I've discovered visualization a year ago. I would visualize small things I wanted and would get them almost every time.

How would a job that makes you excited of waking up in the morning be? What kind of boss you'd have, work mates?Type of work you'd be doing?
Amount of money you're being paid? Location?

Even in the worst possible environments, we can visualize a 'way out' and if you keep at it, you'll see the old environment slip away from you. I know many who have done this and yet it's not easy but very doable. I've done it with some personal challenges and it worked.

Also remember that you are enough and what you do is enough. Don't let anyone convince you of the opposite thing.

[waterfalls]

Thank you, MarlenaEve, for your support and your suggestions. I'm sorry to hear about your experience and am hoping that now you have a job that you like.

Ironically, years ago, the job I currently have used to be the one I liked and was excited about. Then the good people left, one by one, and my passive-aggressive boss hired the wrong people who spend more time on their phones than doing work. Well, I guess nothing lasts forever. 

I am taking things one day at a time, researching different possibilities, and trying to get through. Thank you again, for your encouragement, and kind words.