Invitation to rebuild

[Sadhubby]

 Hi, as some of you know, my wife has recently kidnapped my son and is holding him in her county of origin.

This is after years of degrading abuse and control. Worse, she has had an heavy anxiety about our son's health that has lead to controlling behaviour around him, irrational beliefs (antivax), and extreme aggression.

She is now asking me to move in with them and try to rebuild our marriage. She is being kind, and talking about how she really wants me to have a relationship with my son. Of course, as soon as I challenge her behaviour or beliefs in any way, she is unyielding and reverts to aggression.

There's a big part of me that wants to go back... The dream is that she will reform and we will be a family. I'd obviously rather my son grows up together with both parents. Obviously my dream is not to be a single dad dealing with a vindictive ex-wife.

Fortunately, my brain is telling not to trust a word she says. She's a risk for my son. There's no hope of reform. It takes little provocation to shown how aggressive, manipulative and unscrupulous she still is. Everyone - my family, friends, therapist, lawyers, even her family - tell me how dangerous she is and how unlikely it is she will ever change.

So why do I want to go back?

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Sounds like you want to return for your son. Of course! He's your son.

I highly advise you to talk to a lawyer. This is a complex issue....safety questions....different country....

Good luck.

[hhaw]

Have you done any research about taking a child out of your Country and refusing to return him? IS he considered a citizen of your wife's country? Sometimes paperwork has to be filled out in order for dual citizenship to be valid. 

Have you spoken to attorneys about your situation yet?  At home?  In your wife's country?

You might be able to take your son back to his birth country with the help of local authorities.

I dont' understand how your wife is paying for a place to live where she hasn't lived in a while.

I don't understand how your wife thinks you can just pick up and leave your home/place of work and find employment in her country.

Where is your son's passport?

Can you take him to your Countrie's embassy and get help there?  Can you drive him over the border?  Are you like.... in Germany and she's took your son to Austria OR are we talking a different continent far away from your Country?

If you go to her... you have access to your son.  You should have a really good plan, then think about going to her or not going to her, IME.

[Sadhubby]

Good points. I am getting proper advice about it and doing what I can to get him back. She is not stable and I can't trust her to care for my son alone.

She can pay for stuff using her savings - we have separate accounts. She claims she took time of work by claiming she is looking after a sick child. I'm not sure how she can do it without presenting serious evidence, but this is too much detail for this thread.

My post was more to ask why I feel the way I do? How many beatings and how much shaming do I need to take to understand she won't change? Or how many crazy health ideas for our son I need to hear to see change needs to happen now... Why do I still think about the blissful happy ending when I've been in this precise situation so many times already??

[square]

Hope dies hard.

Is love bombing something that has happened in your relationship? Love bombing is intoxicating, very hard to resist, even when it's not happening at the time, just the memory of it.

[hhaw]

Well, you're tied to your wife through the bond of a very young son.

It's difficult to give up on possible safety, happiness and harmony in the family you THOUGHT you were creating, but weren't.

That kind of reality comes and goes in and out of focus, IME.  It's very difficult to admit we've married an unstable, perhaps dangerous spouse with unlimited access to a child, IME. 

The mind can only grasp that kind of reality in spirts and spats, then our inability to protect ourselves and our child/ren alters our ability to hold that truth in focus and KNOW it's true.  We so very badly.... so desperately neeeeed a safer, more sane truth to be accurate.  The PD TELLS us they'll try, change, BE what we thought they were... always wanted them to be, but you know what?

If they haven't been what they claimed they were..... they aren't going to BE that safe sane person, ever.  If they could, they would. 

They can't.

Your wife is broken and she's not capable of doing better than she is.

From this point on you might benefit from accepting that truth, getting all your evidence together and finding a way to mitigate the harm to  yourself and your son going forward.

THAT is likely your new normal, which honestly...... is SO SO difficult to make peace with, IME.

The inability to keep a child safe is unfathonable, IME.  Particularly when the person charged with their safety is the one doing harm and it's not easy to explain that kind of disordered truth to the authorities and court officers, IME.

You can alienate yourself in that system.... you can find yourself getting punished bc of the way you EXPLAIN yourself and your experience, which should always be sans expectation...... relaying facts you can back up with evidence...... laying out facts while speaking about your spouse with compassion...... leaving plenty of room for your listeners to come to their own conclusions about what they should DO, FEEL, etc..... will help you move through this with less trauma, expense and time, IME.

It's a difficult thing to accept, Sadhubby, but acceptance is always our friend.  We shouldn't shy away from the painful difficult things, bc it only extends the pain, IME.

Good luck.  I'm hoping for the best possible outcome for you and your son.

PS  Be super compassionate with yourself.  Drop ALL judgment and embrace curiosity instead.  Don't get bogged down in blame or trying to make sense of personality disordered behaviors, bc they
will
never
make
sense.

Particularly when the PD sabotages their own child and self in order to "win" against a spouse who can't take the abuse any longer.  A parent who tries to divorce and model something good and normal for their child so they don't grow up thinking the disordered family is "normal."

[Sadhubby]

Wow, hhaw, that's very poignant but clings to the reality of the situation I find myself in so very well.

It sounds as though you have had a really rough ride yourself, as do all the posts you have written to me in the past.

Actually, one thing that's helped me a lot is to talk to abuse survivors in person. It turns out it was happening to very close friends and in family as well. The most striking thing is how identical the emotional experiences are, even under totally different circumstances, types of abuse, and across cultures and languages. It opened my eyes in a way that forums, helplines, and therapy could not. An important thing was to see the difference between people who had accepted and those who had not really. Those who had not hadn't really survived, whether or not they were in or out of their abusive relationship. They were still trapped by FOG, even when their abuser was long gone...

I'm working on acceptance with a therapist, and you are right it is the best approach. It is so hard to do, though. At the start, it feels like admitting defeat, and that isn't the logical thing to do in this situation: I mean my son is with her, I should be fighting! Of course, as the days wear on and you start regaining strength, your mental faculties start to recover, and panic attacks start to reduce in frequency and intensity, it begins to make sense.

I've also started meditation to help deal with the constant underlying stress and anxiety, and exercising with social sports to rebuild a sense of community and simple joy. That's all very good and helpful in the day to day, but so very ineffectual if you're unable to accept what's happening.

[Sadhubby]

Hope dies hard.

Is love bombing something that has happened in your relationship? Love bombing is intoxicating, very hard to resist, even when it's not happening at the time, just the memory of it.

Hi square, I had to look up the term love bombing. Yes, this was quite common before the birth of my son. I'm sure it's why I didn't leave in the starting phases of our relationship. It's stopped now, she's love bombing our toddler instead. Ironically, although abusive, the absence of that affection may be what drove me over the edge and finally pushed me to seek help.

[hhaw]

SH:

I'm glad you have 3d support and fellowship.  It's very important to surround yourself with people who understand your situation, ime.

Good job getting help from a therapist.  I wish I had that kind of help when my life was on fire.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

SadHubby,  I totally understand how difficult, sometimes seemingly impossible, it can be to leave, regardless of how much the situation has worsened..  My kids are grown now, but I also remember how devastating it felt to give up on the dream of the intact family.

Another term you might want to look up is "trauma bond."  It actually makes the bonding to the abuser much stronger than in a healthy relationship.  I am one of the ones on here who definitely had that.  It took me years, and more than one try at it, but I finally got free.  It can be done.  Please let us know how you're doing.

[Sadhubby]

Hi all, I'm visiting my wife and son in the country my wife keeps him. It's been wonderful reconnecting with my son, I've really missed him so much! He's missed me too, even though he's only 18months old he recognizes me perfectly!

My wife's behaviour is very strange. Sometimes she reminds me of the woman I loved, but quickly transitions to aggression and abuse whenever she feels contradicted or even slightly inconvenienced. My stress level is very high as a result.