New here also

[GroundCherry]

Hello!

My online therapist directed me to this group and I am so glad to have visited.

I am in my forties and have my own children, one is in her senior year in high school.

I've always resented the way my parents chose to parent me, resented that they stayed married even though they hated each other, resented that we grew up nervous, anxious growing up in a domestic abuse household.  I resented that when I was ready to leave for college, they had control of me, and not knowing that I could have just left them and made my way into life on my own...only I still had small sisters at home that depended on me to not leave them completely.

I resent that I could've been more successful in life, in work, in friendships if my mom did not always get jealous whenever I was able to make other plans than go home and spend time with her. If I wasn't so terribly anxious all the time.

And now that my daughter is a senior, and remembering how my senior year was - I'm happy that my kids did not have my childhood, completely the opposite and sad that my parents chose to micromanage me and keep me from finding my own happiness.

And at the same time at this time they are almost completely dependent on me now, I have to drive them everywhere, help take care of their house, yard work, practically their only social interaction - my mom broke her hip last year and my dad smokes even after he'd quit for awhile he was in the hospital, pees into the kitchen garbage and on the kitchen floor regularly, and basically has my mom doing all the work around the house.  Plus I know he sexually harasses my moms sister every day over email...and I want to scream everytime that I want them out of my life from now on, let me have a life without them!

Anyhow, that's where I'm at.

[bloomie]

Hi GroundCherry - There is a some real truth in the saying: "It is hard to heal in the environment you were hurt in." Bearing such responsibility for your parents' well being when you have been so hurt by them is a big ask of you and must be very painful.

As a parent, seeing the freedom and love our own children have grown up in can also be a painful reminder of the deep impact of our parents' choices upon our life. It is a tough spot between being grateful we have stopped generational abuse and control behaviors, but also being able to see how differently our lives may have been if we had had the kind of love and support our children have had. Bittersweet.

I am really glad you have reached out for support. I am so sorry for all that you are going through and the reminders you are facing as you care for your aging parents.

There are resources at the drop down menus above and throughout the forum. I have found that finding this community where others truly do get it has been a tremendous help and place of encouragement. I hope you find that to be true for you as well.

We have a great board where you will find others dealing with elderly parents found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=37.0

Settle in and when you are ready... join the conversations taking place on the boards! I look forward to supporting you as you find a path forward that leads to health and peace.

[GroundCherry]

Thank you so much for your message, it means a lot.

[LemonLime]

Hi GroundCherry,
I just want to say hello and welcome.  And congratulations and thank you for being willing to be "The One" to stop the abuse cycle in your family.  The fact that you are doing this makes the world a better place.

Strange isn't it that some of seem to be called to do this difficult work.   I for one find it a mixed blessing though for sure I'm mostly happy it's me doing the work.   In my case it's a sibling who cast a pall on our family but I'm seeing now that my parents' unwillingness to hold her accountable all her life has grown this "monster".    As PDs go she's not the worst but even a little bit of PD is too much for me.  I also feel like my life was altered for the worse due to this dynamic in my FOO and I look in awe and envy at the 20-somethings who do not seem nearly as out-of-touch with their emotions as I was at that age.   It made it difficult to find lasting romantic relationships and a career I enjoyed when I had no idea who I was or what I felt (I was peacekeeper and GC at home).   And worst of all I didn't even know that I had a "problem" really.   I just figured all 20-somethings were confused, and although this may be true to some extent, I was more than a little confused.   

Your children are so lucky to have you as their parent
See you around the boards!