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« on: August 31, 2021, 04:59:03 PM »
Hi, first I want to thank those who have contributed to this site. I have been lurking on here since the diagnosis of my PD spouse and the contributions have been so helpful. So to my question: I am going through a divorce, have kids, am separated. He quickly moved on and although I have pushed for the divorce I have been just heartbroken. I thought I was fine after I called our relationship off, but I am not. My husband is playing nicely right now, but got irritated when he found out that I knew he moved on. For some reason this irritation I found to be comforting. I have been noticing this more lately that I feel better when he is mad. I know I am not crazy, but this isnít healthy. Anyone else experience this while processing your relationship?



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Re: Processing
« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2021, 07:28:04 AM »
Hi and welcome.

I am going through a similar situation but have not yet left. When my uNPDw is nice it is much harder than when she isn't, I think it is that when she is shouting and in a bad mood that validates my feelings that it is her and not me. But when she is "nice", even though I know and I know it is the cognitive dissonance, I struggle. When she is nice I hope she will snap and get angry just so my feelings are validated, like you say it's not healthy and it's a really bad way to live.



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Re: Processing
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2021, 10:26:49 AM »
When a proud/arrogant driver speedily cuts me off on the highway, increasing the percentages of my being in an accident, it makes me feel comforted and a bit vindicated to see the driver pulled over by police, further down the highway.  Quite likely I would feel the same way if the driver ended up out of control and off the road as well. 

I personally believe itís normal and mentally healthy for me to react this way, to what I believe is wrongdoing thrust on my life, only to find the person who believed they were free to do me wrong, experiencing some recourse for their chosen actions. 

Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.


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Re: Processing
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2021, 07:05:55 PM »
I think that when we start to see behind the mask, then we are no longer "dazzled" by the false self that many PDs create and we react healthily to their disordered, hurtful and irrational behaviours.

You've seen enough to leave and now you are seeing more. This is a good thing as you are less and less trauma bonded so less susceptible to hoovers. You probably feel less pain too I imagine.

Keep up with the self care ❤️
It gets better. It has to.