Started therapy & now blaming everything on my childhood trauma

[nillah]

Really struggling with blaming myself for getting involved with a very messed up person right now. I was so naive!

We broke up about a month ago, and I have been in survival mode for most of the time but now the reality and all the buried feelings are surfacing. I am realizing how many red flags I missed from very early on in our relationship, and how ignorant I was at the time to think that he was the same as me.

Towards the end of the relationship, I was convinced that he just needed to start therapy and all will be fixed. As soon as I told him it's over, he started reading psychology books and contacting therapists in trying to convince me to stay (he said he was *entitled* to me giving him a chance, generally acted like I owe him to stay). Now he just told me that he's come to realize that my feelings of hurt when he did fucked up things, that those feelings were because of my childhood trauma. Well he had lied to me and I was hurt, so saying it's about my childhood trauma is simply trying to distract from his own lack of integrity! Now that he is starting therapy and reading the books he knows the psychology language, so he knows how to weaponize my vulnerabilities too. It cuts deep and hurts even more!

I regret having ever shared any stories of the bad things I survived in my childhood and younger self. I feel so scared that this is just the beginning and he will continue to use my tender spots to disparage me. I regret all the efforts I made to try to help him get better. It's a horrible feeling to realize that I once trusted this man and wanted to have all my life with him. It's horrible to realize that he was *this* person all along and I just missed the signs.

The worst part of it is that his family & friends are cheering him on, even though I spent tons of time with them and invested so much of myself in connecting with them and even getting involved in their messy lives. They were VERY quick to turn against me the moment the breakup happened--even while my ex was still apologizing for all the bad shit he did to me, they quickly started dissecting me for any flaws (she was taking too many naps, no? she was struggling over the past year, no? she is unable to be happy on her own, etc etc). I feel like shit that I ever opened up to these ppl and that I ever trusted them!

I really had no idea ppl could be this bad, I used to think all people are the same and that it's just some are struggling and need a little extra help. I used to feel proud that I was helping him become a better person (and on occasions he would say how he has started to see women differently because of me, or how he is much nicer to service/admin/other "lower ranking" ppl because of me, etc.). I am so ashamed that in those moments, I failed to see that I was deep in the dark waters. I thought all ppl can change.

I know I will definitely hold back any trust and true opening up with ppl for a long time. It just feels like sh1t.

[Boat Babe]

Using your childhood trauma to retraumatise you is utterly vile behaviour. It is also coldly deliberate. Abuse of the highest order, without laying a finger on you. You have done SO WELL for leaving, even if you are in pieces right now. You MUST stay away from an individual who would do that to you.

May I suggest two things to do in the immediate be present? Journal your heart out. Write it down. All of it. Journaling is a lifesaver in my opinion. The second is to keep one foot in front of the other for another few weeks. Just get through the survival phase in one piece, whilst hanging on to your job, essential commitments etc.

You will absolutely get through this if you don't go back. You WILL emerge stronger and wiser and able to really enjoy life again. That seems impossible right now but it's true. That's why you have to do what you must to get by, healthily, until you feel the beginnings be of hope.

We are all here for you.