Episodes of my own abandonment meltdown in my marriage

[sonofanarc]

Im not sure if this is the appropriate forum to post this.

About every 9-12 months in my 33 year old marriage i go through an intense episode of feeling rejected and abandoned. I act out by accusing my wife of having been unfaithful  and construct this belief around her imagined infidelity in-spite of no concrete evidence. We do have mismatched libidos however im beginning to wonder if there is something more unconscious going on for me.

Im wondering if these episodes arise soon after contact with my father as this latest one has.

The reason i surmise this is because a decade ago i developed an intense infatuation over another women that had qualities my dad would have approved of. The same religion as him and wealthy, the 2 things that matter most to him, money and religion. He has also told me a decade ago his biggest hurt in his life was me marrying outside of my religion and him never accepting my wife.

I haven't tracked other interactions with my father and these meltdowns.

Could my unconscious be trying to destroy my marriage in some sick way of gaining my father's approval?

These episodes are so intense and so irrational where i cant outthink my emotions  im beginning to wonder if I'm a male borderline? A couple of times  ive had full blown panic attacks as part of these meltdowns.

Its not until my wife has placated and soothed me that my emotional state gets re-regulated.

Id be interested to read others views on this?

[moglow]

Triggers can come from many angles - it makes sense to me that interaction with dad (who disapproves of your choice of wife) could set off a "need" in you to somehow undermine your marriage. Maybe you see it as a way of gaining his approval? What you might want to work on is your response to it and step away from the immediate reactions.

But seriously. That's the biggest hurt in *his* life, your choice of spouse? Pardon me while I roll my eyes ... 🤐

[moglow]

My apologies for my rudeness above - it just never ceases to amaze me, how our choices and lives as adults are somehow *anything* to do with our parents. My mother's last acknowledged meltdown with me was because my youngest brother [55+ yrs old] had a medical issue and I didn't tell her about it. She had to hear about it from him. Um seriously?? It's his business to tell it or not!


I can see your reactions as thinking you can somehow gain his approval, and honestly you might but even that might be fleeting. Nothing on which to base the demise of your marriage! Whether or not youre borderline, you could most assuredly have traits. It's not unheard of.

[sonofanarc]

My apologies for my rudeness above -

no need to apologise, I concur with your views about the self centred narcissism of my father's behaviour.

thanks for pointing out that he has had far bigger hurts than me marrying out of his chosen religion, which he has for sure. I didnt think of challenging him on that point when he told me this.

[Hilltop]

It does sound like you are still trying to gain your fathers approval.  You mention he is hurt that you married outside your fathers religion.  Is that still your religion?  You were obviously ok to marry outside of that religion, you made that choice.  Is there a part of you that married outside your religion to get at your father?  Are you still practising your religion?  Does the fact that you are not the same religion impact your marriage?

Your father not being able to accept your wife is actually nothing to do with you.  It is your fathers limitations and failure to work through his own feelings.  You cannot make someone else like or accept someone else.  I don't know what was to be gained by telling you this other than your father trying to damage your marriage or trying to make you feel bad about your life choices.

Even being infatuated with a women because your father would approve of her.  Where are you in all of this.   I think you are on to something and it may help to keep a journal and write down when you see or speak to your father and if there are any arguments with your wife later. Even write down if you suddenly feel irritated by her or suspicious of her after an interaction with your father.  If you can connect the dots and see a pattern that will give you a place to start.

It is sometimes hard to see.  My husband told me once that after I visit my parents I was angry and snappy, sometimes even if I just talked on the phone.  I had no idea I was doing it or was like that.  Once I saw it, I then started questioning why and eventually I could see how they mocked and insulted me during the visits and I couldn't speak up at the time but the anger would stay with me for a day or two after each visit.  It was a destructive cycle and one which I have since stopped however the first step is to acknowledge something is happening.  I found a journaling was really eye opening to see it down in black and white and put the pieces together.  Now on the rare occasions I communicate with my parents I am more aware if I am left feeling off and I deal with it straight away within myself.  The first step was coming to accept that the relationship between my parents and myself was destructive.

[sonofanarc]

It does sound like you are still trying to gain your fathers approval.  You mention he is hurt that you married outside your fathers religion.  Is that still your religion?  You were obviously ok to marry outside of that religion, you made that choice.  Is there a part of you that married outside your religion to get at your father?  Are you still practising your religion?  Does the fact that you are not the same religion impact your marriage?

thanks for the response Hilltop

I have never been interested in my parents religion of choice (Judaism) and have never practiced it since leaving home. I love bacon too much! It's never got in the way of our marriage. that said, I have considered that me marrying out of the religion was a way of getting back at my parents.

However, with my transgenerational trauma and my father's holocaust expereince, I have had to have many years of therapy to work through the guilt I used to  carry of the privileged life ive led compared to my fathers.

I am going to start keeping track of contact with my father and these meltdowns. In the past ive worked out my body reacts to contact with him through joint pains - i posted about this recently.

As for the infatuation, that was over a decade ago and long since passed. It was a difficult few years that could have broke our marriage.

[tragedy or hope]

Insecurity regarding how our partner feels about us IMO can get really primal. OR, it could have some merit.
My unpdh accuses me of jealousy... yet all of our married life he has given me reason to think his flirty ways, and his extreme attention to the youngest attractive female in the room should not bother me. He is disrespectful in many ways in this area.
Certain kinds of conversation have led me to see he likes behaving as if he is interested in someone, when what he wants is their interest in him.
Lots of women fall for it.
I on the other hand, work at giving NO signals to any other man that I care either way. I believe this is appropriate behavior for a married woman. The few times I have done otherwise seemed wrong to me and it is easy to lead a man on by being genuine with him. Sometimes just eye contact can be misunderstood. Especially if i do think he is attractive or would be fun to talk to... these people I flee from, nothing good will be there for me.

Proper behavior, being courteous is kind. Delving into his feelings about life, his problems etc... is beyond the scope.

So... perhaps you are not all wrong. Perhaps when you feel like this your gut is telling you something seems awry. Couples determine between themselves what is hurtful and or acceptable around others. It is not for me to say...

Maybe changing the words you use to communicate your feelings without accusations would be helpful.

It is hard to admit, "I am in a feeling of despair and fear today. I feel so insecure about how you losve me, my imagination is going wild. Would you please reassure me about you feeling for me? I know it seems petty, but this week I really need it." Then ask for what you need, a hug, a date night etc.

A normal person with compassion would gladly reassure and be willing to give to you the words you need to hear.

Someone who wants to mess with you and your feelings will tell you that you should know better and that something is wrong with you or your thinking. They married us they way we are, and we did the same. This includes or weaknesses and specific emotional needs that make us who we are..

This is how I know when i have hit the nail on the head in my life; How willing is he to give me what I ask for, or is he only defensive and creating tension after I have been vulnerable. That says a lot.

I have felt similar feelings, and they are like a demon when they arise, but you are not crazy or overly needy. You are the person you have always been and your vulnerability should be taken with respect and love. IMO What are we in relationships for if we cannot be the good, the bad and the ugly with our partner once in awhile?

[Fiasco]

I think your question is really interesting. I'll tell you some things I'm experiencing and learning about myself, and maybe some of it will apply to you as well. As a person raised by a BPD I never learned proper emotional regulation. At all. This has led to a LOT of dramatic overwhelming reactions to things, as well as problem drinking. It's only since I stopped alcohol I really realized how crappy I am at emotional regulation, but at least now that I'm sober I can tackle it head on! It's a work in progress. Right now, the most effective (and not self destructive) thing I can do to deal with my feelings is some form of hard exercise. Walking is ok, running or weights is better, I just keep it within my abilities so I don't hurt myself.

I've also realized I have to stop casting my spouse as my savior and keeper of my emotional well being. The fact that he failed to, I don't know, hang up a picture I bought him does not mean he hates me. Even though in that instance I may have felt physically crushed by his lack of care for me. The emotions can be punishing, and while I can't stop my reaction I can tell myself to hold on and let it pass. It's hard. In your case you indicated part of it is mismatched libido and we all have that. It's as normal as not having identical DNA to your spouse, but it triggers  your abandonment fears, just like some things trigger mine.

I wouldn't say you have BPD (who am I to say anyway) but have you looked into the information on "fleas"? I failed to learn emotional regulation because it was never modeled. You can't know what you haven't been taught, but you can work on teaching it to yourself. I think I'm rambling but your question was illuminating to me, and the issue very relevant in my own life.

[Hilltop]

@Fiasco your response was really interesting and I could very much relate.  I also had a lot of problems with emotional regulation due to growing up in the household that I did.  I also had a lot of overwhelming reactions to things and I had a lot of trouble controlling my emotions. I grew up in a household which was either using the silent treatment or exploding in a rage. I was constantly on edge.  I didn't drink but I over ate.  I also find exercise very useful with dealing with the extra emotions.

Sometimes its good to take a step back to see clearly.