My annual What To Do About Christmas post

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MIL demands that we, or at least H, go to her house for Christmas. Every year. We are not allowed to have Christmas as a family at home. Not occasionally, not even once.

The 2 times we did for DD was a major, major thing.

Interestingly, we discovered that while MIL would prefer DD and I attend, she "permits" us to spend Christmas at my mom's house. At our own home is not okay, but paying homage to my own mother is acceptable. I spent the last two Christmases with her, DD spent one with us and one with a friend.

I don't plan on going to my mom's house this year. Maybe I will end up going but right now I'm not planning on it.

H hates Christmas. (I wonder why). He can barely pretend to tolerate it. Even at home, just the three of us. He goes through the motions, grits his teeth, may lash out. I have mo desire to spend Christmas with H at home. (He is usually on better behavior at his mother's).

He and I discussed it and he says he would rather go to his mother's than deal with the fallout, especially since he loathes the day anyway. He does not expect me to come.

So.., do I lie??? It would cause WWIII if I said DD and I were staying home. Is lying okay here? If I just announce we are going to my mom's again? And pray I'm not caught in that lie somehow - like social medis (I don't post but who knows what could happen there).

[Poison Ivy]

This sounds very stressful. What do you think "World War III" would consist of?

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Well, we've been through it before so it's not hypothetical.

Long calls from MIL with circular conversations, demanding we justify ourselves. Usually eventually ending in H angrily ending the convo and then being absolutely crushed from two sides by guilt and fury.

Unrelenting demands that we "make it up" somehow.

Worried contacts from enabling SIL. I don't call her a flying monkey because it's less about doing MIL's bidding and more about soothing her own pain by trying to get her brother back in line so mom is happy again. This irritates H to no end and he pretty much doesn't talk to SIL because of this. He recently told me he would be closer to her if mom was out of the picture.

Years - YEARS - of bringing it up in future visits.

Increased vigilence to ensure future visits occur as required. More phone calls, more demands for confirmation. More calls and texts to me trying to get me to enforce. Stoniness and coldness when I malfunction. Little jabs in conversation. Putting me on the spot. Talking to her friend, sometimes in front of us, asking if their children function as required or not. Friend is even worse than MIL so MIL has full support in this matter.

Increased dread of all future visits. Anger from H. Stress when H ignores her and MIL blows up my phone. I have thus far MCd her but not ignored her. I call her back... the next day. I text back... 12 hours later.

Lately have just shrugged off all her attempts to get me to make H comply but I swear, that cold, put-you-against-a-wall voice just terrifies me. She's not my mother but I feel like a bad little girl.

H decided he is not going NC. If I just say I'm not coming, then I'll have to NC her myself and I don't know if I can take it. H has willingly taken all the blame, and if I NCd her then it will have obviously been all my fault for the past 22 years, after I've played the relatively good girl.

Maybe I should just effing do it. DD would rather avoid that side of the family too.

[Poison Ivy]

I would be very tempted to block phone calls and texts and forego all future visits.

[Cat of the Canals]

I would be very tempted to block phone calls and texts and forego all future visits.

Same. After telling them we will most certainly be making our own Christmas plans, as we see fit.

That being said, I wouldn't blame you for "planning" on spending Christmas at your mother's and then having something "come up" that means you end up staying home.  It frankly isn't actually any of your MIL's business who/what/where you spend any of your time. She isn't entitled to that information. So if your plans to spend the holiday with your mother end up "changing," that's none of her business either.

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Yay!! Lying!!!

A change of plans won't work - mom lives 1000 miles away so it's not like we're just going to end up not popping by after H leaves to drive to his mom's. And of course if plans change, why didn't we go along with him?

I will just have to hope I'm not caught.

[Cat of the Canals]

Caught by H or MIL? Seems like only H would be likely to find out... would he tell MIL?

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No way would he tell MIL. He has our back in this department.

I dunno, like if my mom posts a pic of a family gathering on FB and we're not there, or if DD posts a selfie on IG clearly at our house and her cousin mentions it to her aunt... you get the idea.

I'll just have to make sure DD and my mom know to be careful on SM.

[Leonor]

Whoa, this is a lot of FOG rolling in ...

Now *your* family has to be careful about how they share their family holidays ... for fear of what someone else who is not even related to them might think?

That's not fair. It's understandable, but it's not fair.

All of this talk about being careful and not getting caught, it's like you and dh are teenagers sneaking a cigarette in the garage instead of two grown adults making plans and your own family traditions.

If DH has your back, he's not putting up with any of this. He's your husband, your daughter's father and his own man first. He stopped answering to mommy a long time ago.

It's time for mil to eat some tough Christmas cookies.

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He would do it if I asked him. He's done it before.

Neither of us particularly want to pay the price.

You're right, though. It's beyond ridiculous to be sneaking around like criminals to... have Christmas at home. Like people do.

It makes all of us really angry.

[Sneezy]

This brings back memories.  For years, my uHMIL would insist that every holiday must be spent at her house.  Like you, I was "allowed" to visit my mother every now and then, although that was frowned upon.  But, for the most part, MIL was the matriarch and we all showed up as she demanded.  If we didn't, there was hell to pay for months.  Even when we did attend, she would sometimes call DH six months after Christmas to complain about something I had said or done wrong.

It finally changed for me when DH's youngest brother got married to a strong-willed woman.  God bless her - when MIL said jump, she didn't say how high.  She insisted on staying home with her husband and children for the holidays.  If MIL wanted to see her grandbabies, she had to travel to them.  It was a lightning bolt moment for me.  I could do that, too!!!  What a revelation. 

I think you have every right to stay home with your DD for Christmas.  Do what you want to do.  And if your MIL finds out, time to become a gray rock and practice your medium chill.  She can yell and complain all she wants, but if you don't engage, that won't be much fun for her.

If there's one thing this past year or two has taught all of us, it's how precious our time is.  Spend your time in the way you want to spend it.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Understandably you are angry! You and your family are bearing all the weight of someone else's nastiness for years and years. Your Christmas is preemptively spoiled, at back-to-school time. Nope.

It's a mind-blowing idea, but you don't have to "pay the price" if you won't do it any more.

That is a huge list of nastiness you wrote down, all for one day's homage to MIL. You do not have to engage in circular conversations, never-ending guilt trips that go on for years, discussing the topic of Christmas with your in-laws in any way, shape, or form. They won't like it, but the ones who won't accept the radical idea that you are grownups who freely decide for yourselves how you spend your time on Christmas or any dang day of the year, THEY pay the price. And that means consequences. MIL starts it up, you end the call or the visit. You impose timeout after each infraction. You crank that medium chill to high with SIL. You have nothing to say on the subject of family Christmas. Or Christmas at all if need be. There are lots of strategies in the Toolbox to get you through that rough change to having boundaries and sticking to them. You can do what you want, because the holidays ain't happy at MIL's, and you deserve to have a celebration with the people you love spending time with, and not kowtowing to people who are abusive to you.

It sucks and they will probably escalate in the short term. But it can be done, and honestly it sounds like you don't have much to lose. It already is causing you anxiety in September. You don't deserve this, certainly.

But it has to be you and even better your DH too who decide to take back your life and your family time. I'm so sad for you reading that you are just as willing for your DH to go to MIL's because he's better behaved there anyway. That's so unfair to your DD especially. I'm angry that your MIL is getting away with ruining the holidays for multiple generations. You can do better!

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Yeah. That makes sense.

Guys, I know you've love for me to tell MIL to stick it, but I'm gonna lie.

But I'm also staying home with DD. We'll make a lovely Christmas. Pie, music, board game, movie, candles.

[Pepin]

Ugh, do I know this.  DH has already yapped it up about having DPD MIL over for Thanksgiving! 

NO!!!
NO!!!
NO!!!

I don't want her in my house or at my table.  She can go somewhere else.  Been having her over for almost all of the last 20 years and I am sick of it.  The teens don't want her over either.  We just want a nice quiet meal at home without her. 

But.  DH.  It is really all his fault.  No backbone.  Trauma bonded to mommy.  Can't say no to her when it comes to holidays or food.  Because poor wittle mommy is a "good" person even though she has parentified DH without taking accountability for her own.  No wonder no one else asks her over for holidays.  She is an absolute kill joy.

Stand your ground.  Stay home.  Holidays on your terms. 

[SonofThunder]

Yeah. That makes sense.

Guys, I know you've love for me to tell MIL to stick it, but I'm gonna lie.

But I'm also staying home with DD. We'll make a lovely Christmas. Pie, music, board game, movie, candles.

How about Square (if physically capable) proactively (before any invites/suggestions by others occur) make Christmas 2021 a 'Mom-and-Daughter' solo event only.  A little one-on-one girls time with DD!!   

If husband complains, you can suggest to him that he is also free like Square, to try and arrange some dad and daughter excursion with DD at another time of the year😉.

I have found that if I plan one-on-one events with my adult kids, then everyone else's attempts to alter, come across like they are trying to break up a good thing, which makes them not attempt, because they desire themselves to remain in a good light. 

SoT

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H won't complain. H isn't the problem here.

When we have proactively planned for Christmas with our family at home, things exploded with MIL.

The price was just so high that I'd rather lie. Not lying will lead to YEARS of agony. (And NC isn't exactly agony free either, is it).

[SonofThunder]

H won't complain. H isn't the problem here.

When we have proactively planned for Christmas with our family at home, things exploded with MIL.

The price was just so high that I'd rather lie. Not lying will lead to YEARS of agony. (And NC isn't exactly agony free either, is it).

Thanks for correcting me and for the clarification.  I wish you the best in your decisions. 

SoT

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I just reread everyone's posts again for strength.

A few days after my last post above, my father died.

Because funeral services are so backed up, the service will be just before Christmas. So I'll be at my mom's after all.

H decided he will not be going to MIL's for Christmas. He is staying home alone. (He does not like Christmas at all, so spending it as a non-holiday alone is definitely what he would like to do).

He broke the news over text last night. No reply yet. Ah, the tension.

At this point, MIL's tradition of getting the whole family every Christmas seems to have permanently broken. I'm thinking we may as well finish butchering this cow and have it so it's expected that we're not coming. Ever again.

H is willing to do a "make up visit" at another time. But maybe he will make it so Christmas is no longer on the table. Next year maybe DD and I can celebrate at home and H can just eat dinner with us (he'd like the dinner) with no expectations that he do anything else at all.

[Leonor]

Hi Square,

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope that the holidays bring your loved ones warmth and comfort, and that the weight of your grief eventually transforms into pleasant memories of your father.

Tomorrow is promised to no one. You're not obligated to waste one moment of your precious time with your dh and dd over a bitter old woman acting like a two year old. She's not a powerful adult; she's a pouting child. Treat her like one,"I'm sorry you're upset, but this year we will ..." "I hear you are disappointed, but we have already ..." "I have received your call, and I will respond when I am able," etc.

There's no reason to wait for next year, or the year after that. The year is now! Now is all we have.

Also I do think that dh can stand up to his mother on your behalf, especially in light of your recent painful loss. If his mother is causing his wife problems, then he has a problem. "Mom, this is what we are going to do. I'm sorry you are upset, but you will not speak to Square about this. If you have an issue with my family, then you discuss it with me. But know that if you
do not treat my wife and child with honor and respect, I will end the call immediately."

I also believe you have the right, especially this year, to ask dh for active support. If he hates Christmas, he might have some trauma around it that's worth exploring, because this is the tradition you're creating for DD: The Time of Year when Dad gets Depressed. If he has no trauma around it, well, you've shown up for him to act as a buffer between him and his mom for years! You can ask him to support you this year by holding your hand at the Christmas table, too.

Sometimes I wish the when year would end on Thanksgiving and we could all wake up in mid January.

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Thank you. I am hoping my memories of my father will kind of shift around so I can remember the good years, since the last years were so sad.

MIL has not objected to me spending the holiday with my mom so that's fine. It will likely be an issue that H decided to stay home alone instead of going to her. Well, he's decided, and that's what he'll do. Hopefully the fallout will be minimal.

My H has always been willing to stand up to his mother, but it's still really agonizing.

I do really hope some day DD will lose the negative association with Christmas. She likes the lights, decorations, pine scented candles, presents, music, and cooking. And yet you say "Christmas" and she goes "ughhhh." Amazing how that can happen.