Only daughter and treated so different than brothers

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LindaLoo

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Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« on: October 09, 2021, 10:37:39 AM »
Hi Everyone!  My difficult mother had a pacemaker put in about 6 weeks ago.  I ended up bringing her home from the hospital. I was panicky because it's very hard to be around her. My oldest brother died 3 years ago. The middle had 3 strokes and doesn't drive now, the youngest just never drives her.  I took her back for a follow up and told her youngest brother can take her next time. I have no idea if he did or who took her? He just shuts down if I say I'd like him to drive her. It's just two of us now.   I decided I'd do those two trips from hospital and follow up, but then I'd say no, and I did. I shoved the guilt away and did not think about it. 

Do any of you have siblings that get special treatment? Are they free from helping?  I'm sure that's a yes!  He refuses to say he will take her and she refuses to ask, she says hes to busy!  She did it with all my brothers. Their life is to busy, they have problems. What am I a nothing without life problems :roll:

Once I said to her " you can ask one of the boys, they are your children too"!  Her answer was "I don't know why you keep harping on your brothers, they are busy, they work and you have never worked a day in your life"

It seems now that it's one continual illness after another. One doctor app after the other.  I laughed at this statement she made. She told me that her doctor loves her and he gave her a huge room, a suite in the hospital all by herself  .  I chuckled. The reason is she refused the covid vaccine!   I'm sure she was put away from others as far as could be done.  But to her narc self she was special. 

I'll never understand it!  I'm 68 and weary of it all.  I guess I'm just venting and the favoritism to brothers angers me.  Little ole me has no problems or life LOL!

She cooks and drives food to middle brother 3 times a day, but I hear how she can barely walk :wacko:

Thank you for listening.  It helps so much :bighug:








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Hazy111

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2021, 10:48:57 AM »
Unfortunately Borderline/Narcissistic mothers "split" their children into good/bad. Favored/unfavored. Clever/stupid.  Strong/frail etc. 

If you are the only daughter, then you are likely to get all her negative projections ( what she doesnt like about herself , but doesnt acknowledge) .

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Andeza

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2021, 12:33:00 PM »
She has chosen you to be the dutiful daughter. I'd encourage you to search the boards, and the interwebz at large, for more info on the role.

That said, I'd encourage you also to not place this burden on them in your mind. It may well be this is their boundary that they are holding. That they refuse to be stuck in a car with a narc, which is a narc's favorite place to vomit abuse and such. And remember, it's not your job to deal with it either. She can take a cab, or uber, or a senior shuttle. And there's not a single thing wrong with that I promise!

You can't control what your brothers do, only what you do. Caring for aging parents is something many people see as their responsibility, while others fall in the camp of "they've had a lifetime to prepare for this, it's not my job."

Aging is not a surprise. It happens to us all, and we all need to have our plans in place without taking over our children's lives, energy, and time. But pwPDs assume they can do just that, because they think they are entitled to our time.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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LindaLoo

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2021, 04:35:20 PM »
I have not placed the burden on them!  Just the opposite, they placed it on me by not even discussing taking turns driving her. Its true I don't have to deal with it but I have a bit of decency in my heart. I only ask that the one shares in driving  Burden?.  There's Just one brother left now to help me out.. One is dead, ok! One is in a wheelchair, ok!  I feel alone. My dead brother understood. I want him back. I need to hear his voice calming me down.  :( :( :(
~Your heart knows things that your mind can't explain~

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moglow

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2021, 05:35:56 PM »
LindaLoo, it was always assumed/expected that I would step in with mother. She expected me to take care of her and there were joking comments for years that I "would end up with her." I stepped back then stepped back some more. Somewhere along the way I made my point, as did she - neither of us can stand being around the other and we stopped pretending. I suspect she said something to my brothers, since they stopped the comments some time back.

She's not going to end up with me and im not taking that on. Never at any point in my life have I been able to trust or turn to her. The few times I turned to her in a time of need, she gaffed me and made it harder with her demands for attention.

I tell you this not because I'm truly that hard hearted and cold, but because I had to draw a line for myself so I could stop her steam roller from destroying me. I suspect your brother has done the same. Maybe he can't pretend anymore.
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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2021, 05:37:33 PM »
I'm sorry LindaLoo.  I totally get missing your brother and wishing he were here to talk with and share the burden.


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Andeza

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2021, 05:59:34 PM »
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Your reply, I think, has gotten to the heart of the matter. You miss your brother. He was the only one that understood the struggle. You feel responsible here. For whatever reason. And I assume this is a responsibility he would have helped with? I'm only guessing.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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LindaLoo

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2021, 06:15:08 PM »
Hi moglow!  Same here, never once could I turn to my mother. If I did I got "oh just grow up" or "we all have problems"! You get it moglow.  I've taken your advice many times and you help me to not feel guilt.   You understand.   I'm never taking her in. I told my brothers but I don't think they believe me. The youngest who is all I have now has mother to his house to eat, he buys her the food she likes.  He hugs her says I love you. I witnessed it at his wedding in August. He even ask her to say grace. Its not that he's had it with her or set boundaries. He just does not want to take her to doctors. This does anger me.

So I don't get that part of it. He makes a point out of inviting her to his house. I suppose shes hooked him too. He tells me one thing yet does another. Just for gosh sakes help me with the endless doctor apps :doh: :stars:

Thank you moglow so much :bighug:




















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LindaLoo

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2021, 06:17:10 PM »
SunnyMeadow, Thank you've also always been so helpful!  :bighug:
~Your heart knows things that your mind can't explain~

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LindaLoo

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #9 on: October 09, 2021, 06:25:57 PM »
Andeza, Its ok. I apologize.  Just a few bad days.  Yes my deceased brother would talk hours to me about my mother. She hurt him too. I've stated before here when he was dying of cancer, she made my sister in law take her into see him at the hospital in a wheelchair!!!  She did not need a wheelchair. He called me so upset, even crying and said I'm dying and shes wanting the attention. Broke my heart.

I try to tell myself she must have been so neglected as a child to do this.. I just don't know?  :bighug:















~Your heart knows things that your mind can't explain~

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moglow

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #10 on: October 09, 2021, 07:09:47 PM »
Maybe they're not what you want or need from him, but sounds like those *are* his boundaries. Sounds like he's doing what he's willing to do and making no excuses about it. He may not see a need to talk about it simply because you're handling it.

It was thrown in my face a number of times that I wasn't there and didn't know what she's going through. Asking mother to talk about it just hit a brick wall of complaints and insults, so no. She completely failed to see cause and effect, why I backed off and kept on backing away.

I stopped discussing it, with her or with other family members. I didn't/don't have expectations, so I don't get disappointed. I also don't commit to anything I'm not willing to do, so I don't have to make excuses or beat myself up later. My reality is different from yours though - I last spoke to mother almost four months ago and honestly don't know when or if I will again. She burned it all down around her and I left her in it. My only regret at this point is that I didn't walk away years ago, that I made excuses and felt obligated because she's my mother.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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JollyJazz

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #11 on: October 10, 2021, 08:41:07 AM »
Hi Lindaloo,

Sorry to hear that you have been alloted the role of caretaker. With narcs it is not appreciated just expected that we fill the servant role.

Like you I have 3 brothers and am the only daughter. They are all treated better than I was/am. I was the extremely emotionally abused scapegoat but also the alloted 'dutiful daughter' / caregiver. It's taken a lot of work to break out of this role that I was forced into to survive and I'm still working on a lot.

I think you are being completely reasonable asking for your brothers to help out. I also find her remark to you very abusive - caregiving IS WORK. Maybe send her an invoice for the hours you have spent looking after her as a reminder - hehe.

Anyway, you sound like a kind, caring person, likely why you've been targeted for this role. Sending you a big hug and support
 :bighug:

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Danden

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #12 on: October 10, 2021, 11:22:30 AM »
So, your youngest brother gets the "nice" mom and you get to do the work of driving her to the doctor and are unappreciated.  That will likely not change.  I agree that you can call her a taxi or an uber to ease the burden on yourself.  At least some of the time  you can do this, if not every time.  If mom doesn't like it, she will just have to deal.  She does get around by herself, after all, driving to brother's house to bring him food, right?  Why can't she drive to the doctor by herself?  I think having a greater sense of control will make you feel better.  Also, I think it is a good idea to keep track of the time you spend on driving her around and doing things for her, including waiting with her at the doctor's office.  It may come to pass one day that you are discarded in her will and then you will feel bad again.  If she ends up leaving you nothing or very little, you can "submit a claim for services rendered".  If she is not treating you with the same consideration and love as your brothers, and is not bequeathing to you equally as to them, then at least you should be paid as any other person would be paid for rendering these services.  I may be hard-headed and heartless, but that is my approach.  If she treats you like  you owe her this, then she owes you something in return.  If people want to disrespect you, they are free to do so.   But you are not obligated to disrespect yourself because of this.

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LindaLoo

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2021, 04:34:12 PM »
Jollyjazz,  yes I should send her an invoice!  I could add to it for practically raising my 3 brothers when dad died age 44. Lots of teenage years lost. I love my brothers and i guess Im just angry. Its not their fault. She messed them up too. Thank you for the hug! ❤
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LindaLoo

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #14 on: October 11, 2021, 04:39:56 PM »
Danden, 

She made such a mess of finances she is penniless. She has social security and only a rental home now. She has not a penny in any accounts.I dont feel pity, she was so wreckless with money.  Thank you for your good advice
~Your heart knows things that your mind can't explain~

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LindaLoo

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #15 on: October 11, 2021, 04:42:47 PM »
And moglow,  I think he has stopped pretending. He is free to have her for dinner or whatever.  If I sounded mean about my brothers I'm sorry.  She tries to devide. Not happening
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moglow

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #16 on: October 11, 2021, 05:28:41 PM »
Hey, I get it! My situation was kind of the reverse, for decades I had no one to talk to about it/her. My brothers only saw/heard mother's side, kind of played off that even as an adult she still battered away at me. I was supposed to stand up for myself but still cater to her, and I had no experience in the former. I did what I knew, buttoned it down and let it eat me up inside. I heard about all the "but she's a lonely old woman" b.s. I could stand. The divide and conquer games she played, melted me down. She successfully isolated me because they played along.

Once she turned on my brothers, they saw it for what it was and stopped making excuses for her. They saw -or at least admitted finally- how debilitating it really is. She's flat out mean and spiteful, works at it. They see it now.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2021, 05:34:50 PM by moglow »
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Danden

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #17 on: October 12, 2021, 10:59:38 AM »
Linda loo,  well, you can still ease the burden on yourself.  Call her an uber or taxi from time to time and ask your brothers to pay for it.  If you have to, make up a reason that  you can't drive her that day because your car broke down/your toilet overflowed waiting for the plumber/have a funeral to attend/husband or friend needs to go to the doctor/ dog or cat is sick or whatever works for you.

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LindaLoo

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Re: Only daughter and treated so different than brothers
« Reply #18 on: October 14, 2021, 08:59:12 AM »
Moglow,  those statements people make irritate me.  " shes a lonely old woman" or the one I've heard the most "shes your mother"  Then the one my brother says to me" just take it with a grain of salt" what the heck!!  I'm so glad your brothers saw how your mother is. Mean and spiteful is exactly how they are
~Your heart knows things that your mind can't explain~