Hello again, I’m back

[sejrussin]

Hi everyone

This is my second time here, I found my original intro post from March 2019.  I had been deep in the fog up until that point and had tried to 'work on' my difficult marriage and uSTBXNPH for as long as I can remember.  When I finally realised what I was dealing with I was very very low and small, a shadow of myself.  I also believed I could stay in the marriage by making yet more adjustments.  Be more understanding of his problems.  -Sigh-.

Now, 2.5 years later I am stronger and I am no longer trying to survive in what is a very controlling and abusive environment.  I am making preparations to leave. 

That's on a good day, I still have days and moments when I waver and believe there is hope and that things can change.  Then I realise that nothing has changed for the better, the only logical way forward is to get out.  Very mixed emotions most of the time.

As I became more aware of what was really going on I got better at not getting involved in the drama and the chaos, and I am not so easy to manipulate and no longer dancing to his pipe.  He has obviously realised this and as a result has become even more suspicious, paranoid and controlling.  His biggest fear is that I will leave him, and it really hurts me that that is now my only option to save myself.  He watches everything I do, every minute of the day, monitors my emails and other electronic comms (I believe this account is safe) and I have no money of my own.  Planning my escape has therefore been even more of a challenge, but I'm nearly there.

Hope everyone else is ok and safe.

Best

xxx

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome back! I hope you can make use of all the resources on this forum. Looking forward to your posts.