Stuck in a loop

[Sojourner17]

I'm having a hard time getting out of a rut/pattern of behaviour.   I think this post may overlap with the spiritual thread but since it's concerning my mom I will leave it here. 

On Sunday my mom called me and asked if she could talk to me without me being around my kids.  I was driving/in my car so I said sure. Anyways,  she was reading a book I had left with her that I had read years ago for school.  Long story short we ended up talking about spiritual matters and some of my thoughts about some portions of scripture/doctrine.  She also talked about meeting with her pastors wife and what ensued from that.  I tried to mc that part but couldn't help but answer other questions passionately as it's a topic of great importance to me (my relationship with God).  We talked for close to an hour.  It all seemed fine.

A few hours later she texted and asked if we could come out and visit before winter set in.  I was busy with family stuff.  When I saw it later it was like I froze/choked up inside.  I didn't know how to respond so I didn't. 

I showed my husband the text and what I was thinking of responding with which was a text saying I'd have to talk it over with him and get back to her.  He was upset and said I was putting him between her and I and it made him look like the bad one if I came back and said no we can't come.  He said that I've said mom hasn't changed but I'm still reacting to her the same way and doing the same things as well.  Needless to say I didn't send the text.

He asked me if I wanted to go there to see them.  I said no... going there is a minefield so to say as I would want to stay at a hotel, so on and so forth.  I want to see my family but In a neutral environment. As in meet half way and stay at individual cabins or something.  We could afford that.  Not sure about my parents. 
Timing and logistics are not ideal either. 

Anyways,  I'm spinning my wheels again and feel like I've been pegged to a board and totally in fix it/smooth things out mode and still have not answered the text.  I feel as if I've been hoovered/hoodwinked but it all looks so innocent.  I'm over thinking the whole thing and now doubting my "good" conversation with my mom.  And now I've had a falling out with my hubby to add on to it. 

Part of me wants to just ignore /drop the text but that is also part of my own cycle of behaviour.  Waiting too long to say anything and then getting lambasted for being inattentive and uncaring and selfish.  Then I feel terrible and end up in tears.  I'm stuck in my own loop and I'm not sure how to get out/have the courage to do things different. I don't even know what different could look like. 

[Cat of the Canals]

It sounds like you're not in a place for a visit but are struggling with how to say no. (Which I totally get.) But you are an adult with your own life, and if this isn't going to work for you, just say so. I would give a polite but direct refusal like, "Oh, I don't think that's going to work for us. Maybe another time." If your mother reacts poorly, then even more proof that a visit is a terrible idea!

[Leonor]

Hi Sojourner,

First of all, you are in a place of great healing right now!

Being stuck in the cycle doesn't mean not having feelings or not arguing with your spouse or talking about things that matter to you.

It's about having all if these things, and stopping to realize, Oh, here I am again.

THAT'S the healing opportunity! Right here for you!

So now from this place if awareness, you have every choice open to you. You can do whatever you want. You can invite your mother to join you on a spiritual retreat. You can take the visit window and plan a getaway with your dh and kids in Tahiti. You can send back a text with the :: emoji. It's all open for you!

Look, there is no incorrect choice on the face of it. Let's say you were close to your mom and your dh was emotionally abusive ... Then leaving him to visit her alone would be a good idea. If everyone got along, saying, Let me check with dh would be a considerate thing to do. You haven't done anything wrong ... You haven't done anything yet!

So from this place of awareness and total freedom, what is the path that will lead you to the place of the greatest peace and stability?

Every option may come with its own special brand of suck. But that doesn't mean there are no options. It just means all options are real. And they really are all yours!