Failed attempt, but new insight

[Danie]

So I put myself through horrible crap, again. That's why I title this failed attempt. I don't know what my mother is, so I don't know which acronym to use! Probably all of them. Mom lives 12 miles away, disabled in her home. She can barely get around (at least when I'm there). She has Edema so bad in her legs, they look like tree trunks and her knees are bad too, so she shuffles. She doesn't seem interested in becoming mobile. She goes to the doctor, but when I asked her what the Edema was from she said she didn't know. She drives, goes up and down stairs, goes to her mailbox and somehow goes grocery shopping. She said she has to find a cart in the parking lot to hang onto though. I don't attribute this to mentally strong and fortitude; it's foolish and she's going to fall, bad. It's going to be a crisis (she loves, loves, loves a crisis more than anything).

I've tried to help her, and talk to her about her living situation and she just whines and acts like a helpless child. I've never known her to act like an adult when faced with the smallest problem so what did I expect?

She needed some copies made, but of course there is a huge problem with every establishment in her area: library, bank grocery store. So I made them for her. It was a huge emergency after all. Well, Friday it was an emergency, Tuesday it wasn't and then all of a sudden I get a whiney phone call about urgently needing her copies on Wednesday. I brought them to her and we ended up visiting. Absolutely everything she says is negative! Everything. Flaws with the neighbors, her sister, the mailman. It's starting to make me sweat and feel uncomfortable. I'm trying to change the subject. I showed her some pictures of my sister and her grand daughter.

Mom starts to have a meltdown  She is upset because my sister doesn't communicate with her, for 30 years. I don't blame her, we were badly abused. She asked me why and I gently explained it (again). It's hard to believe she doesn't know. She's whining, holding her head in her hands, panting, stooping over. it's quite a show. I end up holding her and comforting her, telling her I won't abandon her  (she's 83).

I left soon thereafter and felt numb and very PTSD-y. I was sick the next day when woke up. I called mom and nicely explained that I cannot help her figure out my sister and to not ask me anymore! She blamed it on me, saying, "well you're not exactly innocent". I was stunned, she said "you were showing me those pictures".
I am kind of dumbfounded. It's a new dynamic and a new low with her.  I sware you could lay down your life for her and she would find fault in you.

I'm seriously taking a big break, LC. I'm still feeling PTSD from her whining and thrashing around. That was my childhood with her: crying, whining, swearing, convulsing. It's really impossible. No matter what, what I do, how I care, what I say. Never, ever going to be okay with her.

[blacksheep7]

Oh my gosh Danie, your M is just miserable with narc traits and she's taking it out on you.  I'm so sorry.  She seems to be mobile when it suits her.
We try to do everything we can to help them out, especially when they are elderly but they still abuse us, some in a covert way like my NM did.  She looks good to the neighbors.

If you mention that you need a break, well it is time you take one before she literally drives you up a wall.  You are going to have to stop taking all her demands  to heart and put up some boundaries.  Slowly but surely.  You are right, you don't have to take that crap.
You sound like a very good person who is always ready to help, like all Acons. Don't punish yourself.  It takes time to change a longtime habit.  Our parents trained us to serve them well.

take care of yourself for now.

[Thru the Rain]

I'm getting sympathy nausea just reading this!

My uPDM is also (selectively) helpless, doesn't know what she did wrong - and angry at everyone and everything. Significant health problems that she doesn't really address - she goes to the doctor, but doesn't follow through on medical advise.

One of my favorites was her sleep problems. She was prescribed a c-pap machine to help her with sleep apnea. A couple years later, as she's drinking her 4th or 5th coffee in the late afternoon she says to me and my 2 sisters in law: "I just can't seem to sleep". We all rallied around - "maybe stop drinking coffee" (I mean seriously!!), "maybe more exercise", "maybe more daylight exposure in the AM", "maybe go back to the sleep specialist". Lots and lots of attention to her problem, which she loved.

She gave us all an update a month or so later. She went back to the sleep specialist who asked "are you using your c-pap machine?" Well, no - it turns out she acquired the machine but never used it!! And was just so baffled about "why can't I sleep?" Arrrrrrg! The sleep specialist told her very nicely to **actually use** the c-pap to see if it helps. I know you'll be surprised to learn that it did in fact help.

So long way around the block to say your M likely knows ~exactly~ what's causing her edema. She likely has been told to wear compression socks, take a prescription water pill, sleep with her feet elevated, get some exercise, cut down on sodium - I could go on a bit on this topic since I tend to get some mild edema myself, and those are all things my doctor has told me to do. And they work.

And regarding her relationship with your sister, you're doing the right thing with LC. Read up on My Stuff/Your Stuff and Grey Rock in the toolbox for suggestions on how to protect yourself from this topic in the future.

My skin is crawling at memories of my M doing similar things - falling apart and wanting to unload her emotional mess on me, literally clinging on for dear life, wanting me to be her parent. If I had a healthier relationship with her, I would be willing to be that "port in a storm", but the sad fact is that when I've needed her, she's offered no emotional support at all. Ever. I've done a lot of work to emotionally detach from her drama. My favorite short hand for this is "observe don't absorb".

[Danie]

Won't wear the socks, she'd rather be immobile. I went with her to the doctor and observed when he tried to get through to her about them. He talked about different fits, brands, sizes, prices etc. but no she's never even tried them on. And those are easier than a C pap. Lol.
I like your "port-in-the-storm" analogy. Mom is always in a storm.

I always have to keep in mind, when she's dissing the neighbors, the banker, the grocery clerk, she's also probably dissing me in her mind. I think she's waiting in the weeds like a snake for me to set a boundary or say something she doesn't like and she will cut me down. No matter how absurd, she needs to smash me down.

[SunnyMeadow]

You're right about her dissing you in her mind and probably to someone who will listen. I know my mom does this to me just by small slip ups she's made. I thought she had my back and was my biggest fan, you know, like a mother should be? Well she isn't. This was a big shock to me.

My mother needs to put others down to feel better about herself. It's weird but she's done it for decades. Taking a big break with LOW contact is a great idea. Your body is showing you what it thinks of visiting with her. 

[DetachedAndEngaged]

I'm seriously taking a big break, LC. I'm still feeling PTSD from her whining and thrashing around. That was my childhood with her: crying, whining, swearing, convulsing.

I feel for you. I'm glad you are giving yourself space and not letting her guilt trip you into taking more abuse.

It's really impossible. No matter what, what I do, how I care, what I say. Never, ever going to be okay with her.

This is a wise observation. I know from experience that it isn't an easy one to make.

I encourage you to let that wisdom enable you to create more distance between yourself and your abusing mother. You deserve peace.

[djunamod]

Danie, thank you for sharing. I can only say everything you described about your situation (including your mother's reaction to your NC sister) is exactly what I would post if I were in your situation because my mother is exactly like that and my sister went NC 20 years ago, so I get the exactly same thing. I did a lot of research and I concluded my mom was BPD (probably a combination of other things as well, but mainly BPD). Not saying your mom is, but you might find it helpful to do some research on it.

It totally makes sense that you would feel like you were retraumatized with a PTSD feeling. Emotional abuse IS trauma and I always feel retraumatized when I have to deal with my parents, especially my mother. I also had an a-ha moment this year (related more to financial issues and abuse) that made me see that if I am to live a truly happy and fulfilling life doing what I know I was meant to do in this world and giving to whom I was meant to give, I have to steer clear of my ND and BPDM. I'm not in a position to go NC right now but I am VLC with them and this has made a huge difference to my emotional well being. As sad as it is, I find it's the only was for me.

Djuna

[djunamod]

My skin is crawling at memories of my M doing similar things - falling apart and wanting to unload her emotional mess on me, literally clinging on for dear life, wanting me to be her parent.

OMG, THIS!!! This is exactly my mom. She even sticks her lip out and pouts like a child and pretends to cry. It is a very deep emotional immaturity. And it's a huge emotional burden on me to have to always be her mother. She tries to use me as her emotional dumping ground and then tries to defend herself by saying, "I'm just sharing my feelings with you." She wants me to make all the decisions for her. One of the things I read about BPDs is that they have no identity of their own so they tend to absorb the identity of other, stronger people. I remember being on a trip once with my mom and aunt and my aunt kept asking me, "Why does she always have to do whatever you're doing?" That's exactly what it's about.

Djuna