Sudden anxiety symptoms (while at home with N parents)

[MarlenaEve]

Hi guys. I know that this question might have an obvious answer to some of you but it's not as obvious to me.

I know that narcissistic parents make you very anxious and trigger all kinds of bodily symptoms. However, when I moved in with my narcs, I was the calmest, most laid-back person ever. I only started to develop anxiety after a year of living with them. For the past few weeks I started having the typical tension in my arms and shoulders, hyperventilation, rapid or slow heartbeats (palpitations), feeling spaced-out, and an intense feeling of worry.

I didn't have these symptoms a year ago, so why did they come now? A year ago I knew my parents were abusive, yet I was able to do hour-long meditations and even yoga sessions. Now I can't even do 10 minutes of meditation because I feel restless and tired emotionally.

Did any of you have intense anxiety episodes from living with your narcs or from being exposed to them for longer periods of time? And did these intense anxiety symptoms resolve after you've gone NC or been away from them for long?

BTW, I don't fight with them, we barely talk. I use grey rock and keep stuff I do privately. Yet, I am still affected by them...

[nanotech]

Well in my view, it's being under the same roof as them.
I have to live in a different town from mine, so that I can't even bump into them in the street.
Or be seen by their friends and gossiped about and have that come back to me.
I do yoga too, and meditation. I find that when meditating it helps to 'look for the space between the thoughts'.
I find it quietens my 'monkey mind' of racing chat and anxieties that pop up, and helps me focus on the breath in the present moment. Don't give up if you get restless, just acknowledge the restlessness and go back to focussing on breathing in and out.  Breath counting and breath retention ( a few seconds) and extending the outbreath, all work for me.,

[JustKat]

I have a severe anxiety disorder that came on when I was 35 (I'm now 61). The doctor told me that anxiety symptoms commonly start to show themselves in the mid-30s, especially in women. My anxiety started after my husband took a job transfer out of state. I started seeing a psychiatrist who told me that one thing shouldn't have caused an anxiety disorder and wanted to know about my childhood. Apparently, years of childhood trauma can remain bottled up inside you until something (often something unrelated) pops the cork on the bottle and lets all the anxiety come pouring out at once.

In my case, it never went away, but I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder which is hard to reverse. I was able to control the anxiety with medication, but I'll likely have it for life. Things did improve once I went NC and no longer had to interact with them, but there are still hoovering attempts, so I have highs and lows. I still get very anxious in social settings, but it's not as bad as it once was. I may never be anxiety-free, but I did see improvement after NC.

[Hazy111]

Yes, yes and yes.  Your body is telling you something. Its in "flight or fight" mode or "hyper arousal"  . Youve probably probably got a lot of high cortisol and adrenaline going on.

[blacksheep7]

I also would say that living under the same roof as your N parents is a  good reason that it will affect you.

I started being anxious followed by panic attacks in my early thirties, now I'm 65.  Not having coping skills to deal with hardships in life I was on sick leaves from work on and off.  Finally, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
When NF died, M upped her covert narcissism due to her insecurities which brought my anxiety  symptoms back that I hadn't had in years.  That was an indicator of something wrong (the past).   I went nc (2017) which helped immensely. 

This summer dh fell sick which gave me a good scare.  Plus the house renovations were delayed for two months with the exterior remaining disorded.  My anxiety came back so high that I had trouble functionning. I had trouble accepting that I still had fears to the unknown, the future. Having worked so hard on myself all my life, I thought that I was done with that.  I'm okay now, everything is back to normal.  I have to accept that I will remain with this condition for life and have to manage my life and anxiety the best I can.

Take care of yourself to not let the anxiety escalate.

[JustKat]

I started being anxious followed by panic attacks in my early thirties, now I'm 65.  Not having coping skills to deal with hardships in life I was on sick leaves from work on and off.  Finally, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

Wow, Blacksheep, that's exactly how it happened with me. Same age, same struggles, same diagnosis. The doctor told me early to mid-thirties is usually when it strikes. I never researched the reason why, but now I'm curious to know. Interesting (but very sad) to hear that you had the same experience that I did.

[JustKat]

BTW, I don't fight with them, we barely talk. I use grey rock and keep stuff I do privately. Yet, I am still affected by them...

MarlenaEve, I should have added that I don't think it matters if you interact with your parents or not. Just being in their presence is probably enough to trigger it. After reading Blacksheep's reply, it does seem that anxiety hits at a certain age, after many years of trauma, so it makes perfect sense that you were unaffected a year ago but are feeling it now. When I was being abused as a teen I never had any anxiety or panic attacks. My body held it in for many years before showing symptoms.

[blacksheep7]

I started being anxious followed by panic attacks in my early thirties, now I'm 65.  Not having coping skills to deal with hardships in life I was on sick leaves from work on and off.  Finally, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

Wow, Blacksheep, that's exactly how it happened with me. Same age, same struggles, same diagnosis. The doctor told me early to mid-thirties is usually when it strikes. I never researched the reason why, but now I'm curious to know. Interesting (but very sad) to hear that you had the same experience that I did.

You are right, wow, our background is very similar.   I didn't know that it was usually mid thirties, I found out from your post.  I always wondered why anxiety didn't hit me earlier with the childhood we had.  Then again, I learned to put a sheild/wall/a block on for many years, detached myself, frivolous. I only realized this since I came on this forum (2016) because I never cried in my teens, the heaviest period of abuse.  It still caught up with me, the body keeps score.  Yes, it's pretty sad.

[JustKat]

I Googled it and found a very informative article from the University of Pennsylvania. A few things that stood out:

"While no specific causing gene has been located, research now indicates that biology, environment, and life experience may all play a role in the development and course of GAD."

"While the median age of onset is 30 years, a very broad range exists for the spread of age at time of onset. Patients reporting a later onset of their GAD typically will say their symptoms developed in response to a significant stressful event in their lives. Once an individual develops GAD, the course of the disorder is most often chronic. The severity of symptoms may fluctuate and worsen during times of stress."

It does say that children can get it, but maybe we managed to block it out when we were young. I thought my childhood was normal right up until high school when my Nmother realized she was losing control and doubled down on the abuse. I imagine that most of us thought we had normal childhoods when we were very young. I had nothing to compare it to so thought my family was just like every other family.

The full article:
https://www.med.upenn.edu/ctsa/general_anxiety_symptoms.html

[Sidney37]

My anxiety started in my late 30s and seemed to relate to some hormone changes. 

I also find that being away from them and then near them again would increase the anxiety even more.   The break from it allowed me to let my guard down.  For me it took a few weeks for it to build when in their presence again.  Maybe in your case it took months rather than weeks to be really affected by it. 

[Hilltop]

I'm the same as others here however I didn't really get symptoms of anxiety until early 40's.  I don't think you have to be interacting with your parents to feel the anxiety and unfortunately it isn't noticeable at first which is why you probably say it took a year until you felt symptoms.  For me the anxiety around my parents has been increasing as I get older.  I put this down to the cycle it goes in, things will be ok for a while then they will continue to just push and push and push with their hurtful comments/insults/actions until I either snap back or in the end I didn't show it to them but still dealt with the anger on my own.  After I snap back there would be a period of calm until they started again.  Abuse cycle I suppose and when you take that for 40 odd years I guess anxiety is going to happen.  Think of your body - just as things calm your body is still on edge waiting for things to ramp up, you may relax for a short period and then the first insult comes and your body tenses.  I eventually noticed that I was driving to my parents house for a visit and I was physically reacting to it with heart palpitations, a churning stomach and I had gotten irritable during the drive.  That's when I knew enough was enough.  Its not normal to have a physical reaction just from seeing someone.  I knew my cortisol and adrenaline must be really high to be reacting like that.  I never felt it happen I just saw the end result of my body not being able to handle the ongoing stress and amount of cortisol I must have had running around in me.

Interestingly I was living 15 mins drive from them and always felt on edge.  I have now moved a few hours away and feel calmer in the new area.  I think I must have been worrying a little that I would run into them or they would someday just turn up at my doorstep.  I do feel much calmer with less contact.

Even if we are not fighting our bodies are sensing that danger being around someone who at any time may hurt us emotionally.  Even if you don't think your body is reacting, on a deeper level it is.  I didn't realise this until my anxiety showed up and wouldn't budge until I took care of myself which for me was removing the source of stress which is them.  I tried so many different ways to make it work but I don't feel safe around them, physically of course yes but emotionally I know I am not safe.

I remember when I was a teenager my dad would give me the silent treatment for months on end.  Everyone got to the stage of walking around the house like nothing was wrong  however it was still stressful.  You may think you are handling it ok and perhaps the yoga and meditation helped for a while but living under that constant stress will eventually take its toll on your body.

My anxiety is much better now, I don't feel it as much however I still don't handle stress as well as I use to, I'm working on that.  My anxiety is noticeably increased if I return near to where they live.

[Hazy111]

"The body keeps the score"

[Rocketman]

I recently visited my parents and when there was a covert attack that I didn't consciously recognize, I experienced about a 3 minute blackout.  No other physical symptom other than I simply couldn't remember anything between when the nonsense started and me ending up in another part of the room a few minutes later.  When I described this to my counselor, she called it a 'trauma induced dissociative state'.  It was a bit eye opening to me to really see what the body/mind can do when distressed.

[Andeza]

At 29 I went NC with my uBPDm. Three weeks later I started developing severe driving anxiety. At first I blamed it on the stress of going NC, even though I didn't feel particularly stressed. I figured I was just out of touch with my emotions or something.

Turns out, the day after I sent the NC email to my M, I came down with Covid. This was before we knew it was here, before there was testing for it, before it was majorly in the headlines. Symptoms were unmistakably classic however.

Long Covid, as it turned out in my particular case, ended up being that severe driving anxiety. Yay me. /sarcasm A year and a few months later it eased up, and I'm pretty much back to normal now.

My point, that I'm taking forever to get to it seems, is that there could be a number of factors to consider. Your anxiety symptoms could be rising from (most likely) just being in the vicinity of your pwPDs. It could be medical. It could be past trauma. So ultimately, it may be wise to rule some things out by checking in with your doctor first.

[blacksheep7]

Hi MarlenaEve & all

Andeza, sorry to hear that you had Covid. 

I just received this email, how appropriate 


https://www.oprah.com/health_wellness/physical-symptoms-of-anxiety

[MarlenaEve]

Thank you, guys so much, Sorry if I can't reply to each and everyone of you.

It got a bit worse, I now have anxiety attacks daily
I'm trying to find out what triggers intense anxiety in me.

So, after digging up in my mind, it is clear to me that I am very strongly coming Out of the FOG and denial. I am for the first time in my life facing who my parents really are. I just witnessed my parents' cruel and self-serving behavior this morning when they were making fun of their dog, teasing him endlessly so he can go all wild and stressed out..they really love that as it gives them so much pleasure to see him stressed.

My mother is very covertly cruel, I noticed that. She will sometimes try her cruel ways with me, I now see it clearly.
Nothing she says is true. Everything about her is a lie and a fake.

What helped me come out of denial and acceptance is this site:
http://www.luke173ministries.org/FAQAboutAbusiveNarcissisticAndPsychopathicRelatives

The author lumps narcissists with psychopaths in the same group and that worried me a lot. Sam Vaknin also lumps these two in the same group.
If narcissists are similar to psychopaths, this means, they are both capable of harming you (emotionally and physically) and having no remorse about it. Luke ministries says that, when they harm you, they very much know it, BUT, they try hard to disguise their violence in something socially acceptable. I read almost all the articles in there which is why I am currently freaking out and in deep anxiety.

I think my body is trying to protect me from these people and my brain thinks my family can kill me.

[MarlenaEve]

OK, I wanna explain why I used the words kill and psychopath.

My family has a history of slightly anti-social/psychopathic behavior. Few years ago, a relative of ours had a stroke, she was old and sick but this was unexpected. My mother was this relative's contact person, she was the closest to this person than other relatives. However, my mother and father secretly harbored hate and disdain for her-especially my father (she was very kind so I'm not surprised they hated her).

Anyway, my mother was called and she came to see this relative with my father. They both 'decided' that there was nothing to be done for her and they just left her there. (that's bullshit because she ended up living for a few days until she died). 

So isn't this a type of murder? Or how would you call it when someone is called by a person to be given help, the person refuses to help the sufferer and they end up dying?

I know for sure that my NF ENJOYED the fact that this relative died because he hated her. He was actually so happy when she died.

So this is the level of psychopathy I need to deal with. Now you understand why they scare me out of my wits?

[MarlenaEve]

Andeza, I'm sorry you had Covid and glad you're OK now.

[Boat Babe]

The extreme end of the cluster B spectrum is truly malignant.  Breathtakingly so.

MarlenaEve, what are your current options re your living arrangements? What's stopping you moving out again?

[MarlenaEve]

@Boat Babe It's a matter of money, since I haven't found a job and I have no source of income (no unemployment either).

Since I posted my situation here, on this thread, I started feeling sooo much better. The anxiety episodes stopped. I feel more empowered now.
I did EFT and journaling and it got better.

Thanks for listening. I think not all ACONS are lucky enough to be in support groups. It's so comforting to be among people who get you.