Picking my battles, so kids don’t have to.

[Stillirise]

I'm starting to feel more comfortable managing this tricky parallel Co-parenting thing.  I am as low contact as possible with the uPDxh.  However, I just engaged him in a discussion that I hope spares the kids some drama.

During the school year, they go with him EOW.  Since we started this routine, he has complained anytime they have homework on his weekends, since he says he hardly gets to see them.  I do try to minimize the frequency of that happening, to avoid drama.  However, as they get older, it's largely out of my hands.  DS has a fairly lengthy assignment due Monday.  His dad doesn't have a computer at his house.  DS has a computer at mine, and we have a very antiquated, basically useless laptop.  DS was stressed out last night, about finishing the school work before he goes to his dads.

It seems reasonable that this man, who is not in a financial strain, and manages to buy lots of expensive toys for himself and the kids, could provide the means for them to access school work at his home.  I emailed him about it today.  Yes It took 11 messages back and forth, for him to say he would provide what they need.  He went on to say he always gets them what they need, no questions asked. After multiple rounds of questions via email. 

As stressful as this was for me, I'm glad I spared DS the same stress.  He wanted to ask his dad to get a chromebook, or a computer for his house, but also didn't want the drama that he knew would come with the request.

We will see how it truly plays out, when the kids come back on Sunday.  I know there are several here like me right now, new to the coparent game.  I wanted to share that sometimes, when we do engage, it helps to remember why.  If we weren't subjecting ourselves to this behavior, it would land on squarely on the shoulders of our kids.

Anyway, I couldn't have managed to stay the course this long, in a calm manner, if I hadn't had the tools I've learned here, from years of following Penny Lane, and others. Thanks!

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you. I have adult children, I sometimes take on the battles with their dad so they don't have to, and I have been politely criticized here for doing so. All of which is to say I understand how difficult it can be to coparent!

[Stillirise]

Yes, I think they can see the reality of the situation, without having to be in the trenches on their own, every single time.

[Boat Babe]

It's so engrained to help and protect your kids, no matter how old they are. Don't feel bad about that, at all. I'm sure you let them get on with their lives too.

[blacksheep7]

You did good to involve yourself for your kids education, imo.

There are situations that adult children do need backup.  That's how I see it, good co-parenting.   I would have done the same. 

[Penny Lane]

Hi Stillirise I'm so glad to hear from you and I think you must be in a really good place, mental health-wise, to engage like that.

I really like your point about remembering why we engage. I like to think about it as engaging strategically. Like, I am going to expend X amount of effort and the kids will get Y benefit, but it will take Z toll on my mental health. Is it worth it? It really helps me to be able to think of it like that. In this case it sounds like the long term benefit of your son being able to do his homework at dad's house outweighed the short term stress of a ridiculous conversation for you. At least for us, there's also another factor, which is, will it be effective? If BM is never going to do it/be able to do it (say no to the kids, that's a lost cause for example), we don't bother. But if it's a concrete thing like "buy a computer" that will have more success.

And from someone who(se husband) is even farther along - it will get even easier and easier from here! He won't get better, but maybe you'll learn that you only have to send one email in order to get him to buy the computer. Or maybe you'll learn even better strategies for un-investing in the hateful replies you get. Or maybe you'll sort this stuff out and there won't be any more reason for you to talk to him for long periods. I'm not going to say it's smooth sailing from here on out, but you're over the worst of it and every year it will get easier in many ways.

[Stillirise]

Thank you, all, for your support and wisdom! I'm glad to hear it will get easier.  Eventually, I'm hopeful he will find new supply. I just pray it's not the kids.

He did buy the computer, and the assignment is complete, so mission accomplished.  The consequence for me was after the kids were back with me on Sunday night, he tried to pick fights over a couple issues pertaining to our divorce settlement.  He tried going down the same, well-worn vindictive path of escalating the vitriol via email, until it resulted in vulgar personal attacks.  I refused to engage, other than informing him that his emails now go directly to trash. So, he can communicate to the kids, and I can email him, but he can't call, text or email me.  As Penny Lane said, it definitely wasn't worth the mental energy to let him suck me into a new conflict, that has nothing to do with the kids.

At some point, I will probably have to open up some form of communication again, but I'm going to leave it this way for a bit.  If there's a true emergency, there are still various ways he can contact me, like calling from his work phone, or using another email.