How do I stop visits?

[Nohigherjoy]

Divorce decree states bpd ex cannot drink around kids on his weekends due to alcoholism (3 DUIs)… I’ve stopped visits many times over 5 years, but now that 1 child (18) lives with ex and my other kids are driving, how do I address this with ex? I know if I bring it up with the kids, they will still choose to visit due to wanting ex’s approval and not deal with his angry wrath/shame for not going. Weekends are drinking fests and parties and I’m worried about the safety of the kids- especially my 15yo daughter being exposed to some less than desirable men and teenage boy’s. Wisdom appreciated!

[Poison Ivy]

I recommend that you talk to your children, even if you think they won't stop visiting their dad on their own. They are old enough to process the information, and I think you have an obligation to them to share your concerns about their dad's behavior and the risks it exposes them to.

[HeadAboveWater]

I'm a child of divorce. I also work with oppositional kids. I'm not an expert by any means, but perhaps my perspective is helpful.

As you've noted, your kids have agency. They may choose to see their father regardless of your custody arrangements, etc. They are also at an age where they are likely not to respond well to being forbidden to do something. I don't know your kids, but many teens get overtly oppositional or just sneaky when something is forbidden.

You can talk to your children about your concerns. They're all old enough to hear about alcohol, sex, and consent. They should also know about drunk driving and signs that someone is not sober to drive even if they insist that's the case. Then give them a safe way out. Explain that they may feel  like they enjoy the partying, but if it ever feels like too much you'll help them to find a way out that saves face with their dad.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Penny Lane]

Does your daughter want to go too or just your sons? If she doesn't want to and they do, I think it would be a good choice to at least pull her out. Even if you can't stop the boys from participating you don't have to force her to go.