Feeling like a different person since NC, no longer fogged, but nobody notices

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I was not sure where to post this topic, but it is something that has been on my mind for few years. I am not entirely sure how to explain it, but I think it has something to do with how we feel when we are more firmly Out of the FOG and living our life with new insights and perspectives. 
   
To me, I feel like an entirely different person than I was just 6-7 years ago. Also, definitely different from when I was in college and a young adult. I feel like I have grown leaps and bounds. I was scapegoated and believe I was co-dependent. I took on and accepted whatever was thrown at me. I believe I had C-PTSD and am still working through aspects of that. However, I found my voice. I found healthy boundaries.  Several areas of my life hugely improved.

So all that is good, but I ran into someone a couple years ago who I knew in college. We chatted for a while and before leaving, she said "You have not changed one bit". Then I saw an old neighbor from 15 years ago and she said the same thing. Perhaps they intended that to be a compliment, but I was taken back by it.  When these two individuals knew me, I was fearful and awkward and felt hugely burdened by the judgement of others.

I just wondered if that is still what outsiders see in me?  Or, is what we carry around inside us invisible to others? Do we get good at covering it all up?  I believe there is such spiritual growth that comes when we recover from scapegoating and emotional abuse. Is that all evolution invisible to others?  I do not need others to validate me, but I just was surprised I could seem the same to anyone. 

[SonofThunder]

I was not sure where to post this topic, but it is something that has been on my mind for few years. I am not entirely sure how to explain it, but I think it has something to do with how we feel when we are more firmly Out of the FOG and living our life with new insights and perspectives. 
   
To me, I feel like an entirely different person than I was just 6-7 years ago. Also, definitely different from when I was in college and a young adult. I feel like I have grown leaps and bounds. I was scapegoated and believe I was co-dependent. I took on and accepted whatever was thrown at me. I believe I had C-PTSD and am still working through aspects of that. However, I found my voice. I found healthy boundaries.  Several areas of my life hugely improved.

So all that is good, but I ran into someone a couple years ago who I knew in college. We chatted for a while and before leaving, she said "You have not changed one bit". Then I saw an old neighbor from 15 years ago and she said the same thing. Perhaps they intended that to be a compliment, but I was taken back by it.  When these two individuals knew me, I was fearful and awkward and felt hugely burdened by the judgement of others.

I just wondered if that is still what outsiders see in me?  Or, is what we carry around inside us invisible to others? Do we get good at covering it all up?   I believe there is such spiritual growth that comes when we recover from scapegoating and emotional abuse. Is that all evolution invisible to others?  I do not need others to validate me, but I just was surprised I could seem the same to anyone.

Hi Blueberry Pancakes,

First, i just love the screen name.  Its just so...good, and happy.  It also makes me hungry for blueberry pancakes!   Second, i enjoyed your self-analysis.   You wrote:

"I believe there is such spiritual growth that comes when we recover from scapegoating and emotional abuse. Is that all evolution invisible to others?  I do not need others to validate me, but I just was surprised I could seem the same to anyone." 

I fully agree with what you wrote and that that its mostly invisible to others (in the outer relationship circles) as we "carry around inside us, invisible to others"....and "get good at covering it all up".

SoT

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, SOT. It is good to know I am not the only one who ponders such things.     

I sort of think it might have something to do with just self-reflecting and maybe even having some appreciation for arriving at a place in life that seems harmonious. It is a new feeling. Grateful for it.

[Boat Babe]

I think it's difficult to get the measure of someone after a brief chat. Partly because both of you are in brief chat mode and because the changes that you speak of are not, at all, superficial.

If I was to run into an old friend from thirty years ago, they couldn't possibly know that I am much less codependent, self sabotaging and generally healthier unless we had a long, honest and intimate conversation over a bottle of of wine. These things are mostly in invisible and only appear when needed.

I'd say don't measure your progress by other's perceptions of you. Know how far you've come and smile warmly to yourself.

[Worthy of Care]

I think it's difficult to get the measure of someone after a brief chat. Partly because both of you are in brief chat mode and because the changes that you speak of are not, at all, superficial.

Also what you felt on the inside all those years ago, might not have been what they saw. I agree with Boat Babe. You know the progress that you've made. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you Boat Babe and Worthy of Care. I think you are accurate that these changes are not superficial. No one could detect that in passing.  I do so like the thought of just smiling warmly to myself though.  Thanks.   



     

[1footouttadefog]

I think that some of us are better at being normal on the outside despite feeling stressed on the inside than we think.

Also people tend to make comments like that about physical appearances and not having aged and such at that.   

So the statements are often referring to outward appances etc.

You know you have changed and it's big to you.  That is all that really matters.

Keep on healing and evolving.

[moglow]

Or, is what we carry around inside us invisible to others? Do we get good at covering it all up?

This. And I think we're trained to some extent, that we may play along to get along. It's what we know until we learn a new way.

I've had some personal satisfaction the past several months when people asked what's changed, that I seem much more peaceful these days. It seems the no contact was more obvious than I'd have thought.

[My personal favorite was the coworker who asked when/where I got botox!! She said the lines all seem to have relaxed! 😂]

[Boat Babe]

Result!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks 1foot and Mglow. I really appreciate shared insights. I think there can be so much to learn from these dynamics and maybe like our life's work is to keep evolving on this path.  I really, really, do like the comment from a colleague about botox.  Wow!!     

[blacksheep7]

Just like you Blueberry Pancakes, I am a very different person compared to twelve years ago.  The first thought that came to mind was, were they speaking about your appearance when saying that you haven't changed.  That is what is said to me in the same case.  I know that I didn't change my ways of interacting and being pleasant at the first contact with people whom I do or do not know even though I am nc with FOO. My new personality does not come across at first glance, if you know what I mean as long as we do not converse about personal stuff as family.