overlooking a fault vs taking action

[SonofThunder]

Hello Mary,

I have read the article (i realized it was not a video). I understand the article fully, as my uNPDw is degreed English and language arts expert and a very intelligent and cunning conversational bully, just the same as the trial lawyer in the article.  Thanks for sharing and Im happy for you that you are experiencing personal self-encouragement in speaking up.    

My experience in doing so, is circular conversations with a conversational bully, so i do not speak my desires or feelings, but rather use boundaries to self-protect when the bully shows its head.  In my opinion the responses the author gives as examples are creative for a person (non) who desires to continue a conversation, but they are the E in JADE, as the bully has caused the speaker to stop speaking and use creative questions to circumvent the bully and get the bully to E=Explain that the non has indeed spoken clearly and loud enough to be heard. 

If the bully answers the questions at all (mine wont because she sees through a circumvent attempt), it simply reverse-validates the E=explain, as if the non had directly JADE-explained without the circumvent.  Therefore again, its simply a backdoor JADE imo, and only assists by providing encouraging strength to the non to be 'heard' and therefore validated.  I believe also that allowing the bully to stop my conversation, gives a power feed to the bully.  I quit speaking and walk away and will not continue a chat on the subject.  My bully uNPDw has learned by example, that if she attempts to PD-bully in conversation, she will find herself standing alone. 

I personally believe the decision to do either (boundary or reverse-JADE) is a personal one, based on the needs of the non. 

Vernick wrote:  "Jesus was an excellent communicator but he did not always have good outcomes. At times he spoke his truth, other times he kept his mouth shut knowing that speaking would yield no good results". 

I personally do not believe Jesus was seeking 'outcomes'.  Being very God, he could have instantly manufactured outcomes if he desired.  But being he does not desire his creation to be puppets, he simply desires to lay out the truth and let it sit. 

I also do not believe Jesus was quiet because he knew it would not produce good results.  Again, he's God; he can manufacture any results he wants and he had his own agenda and timeline he was following, so any 'results' that did occur didn't change anything about his plans or timeline, and in his omniscience, he for-knew any 'results' or lack thereof.  Imo, Jesus was purposefully silent to exert power, be a living example of the teachings of his word and to fulfill prophesy (see verses below).   

SoT

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Proverbs 11:12

Proverbs 17:27-28

Proverbs 18:6-7

Proverbs 18:13

Proverbs 21:23

Proverbs 29:11

James 1:19

Psalm 141:3

Isaiah 30:15

Isaiah 53:7

   

[Mary]

Yes, I see your point. T/H also suggested that responding would not help. I tried this weekend to make the statement, "You seem to be full of angst," when DH was riding DS for asking an innocent question in the car. It didn't help. Instead, I wish I had put in earplugs and when we arrived at the destination, refused to go in. ( I did try to get an uber but it would have been super expensive.)

[SonofThunder]

Yes, I see your point. T/H also suggested that responding would not help. I tried this weekend to make the statement, "You seem to be full of angst," when DH was riding DS for asking an innocent question in the car. It didn't help. Instead, I wish I had put in earplugs and when we arrived at the destination, refused to go in. ( I did try to get an uber but it would have been super expensive.)

Mary, im sorry you experienced that behavior.  Not certain the age of your son, but he should be taught imo by you, to recognize bullying responses (from anyone) on the front end of a conversation and zip his lips until it stops. If a younger child and its a parent doing the bullying, then the child keeping ears & attention open for parental respect (to avoid more bullying for that new reason) is imo appropriate, When the bully gets tired of a one-way conversation and turns around, your son should put in his earbuds or headphones and listen to favorite music or audiobooks.   

I use my over-ear, noise-cancelling (deaden's the silent-treatment mumbles) headphones in the car and headphones/earbuds are a boundary wall of protection that must come down to be heard.  My uPDw feels the boundary of my headphones and silently knows that it is MY self-action that brings the boundary down, therefore she cannot just rant at me, without asking my permission to take my 'boundary-phones' off.  I win from the beginning. 

If she politely asks me to take them off, so she can be heard, and she starts on a rant about me, i simply tell her i am not interested in discussing her subject, and that I'm listening to something at this time and put them back on.  Silent treatment is the result, but the superior noise-cancelling, plus excellent music/speech quality of the Bose 35's takes me mentally away.  Best $300 I've ever spent and much cheaper than counseling haha. 

Automobiles are PD bully cages imo. 

SoT

[Mary]

I am rereading and studying responses here. Thank you.

I recently unexpectedly set a boundary regarding the cranky car lectures. No sooner had I gotten in the car, the lecture started. (Before I got in actually). I just about got out before we reached the end of the driveway, but didn't. The farther down the road we got, the more I realized that this was unhealthy to listen to and unhealthy for the kids to see. I told him to stop the car and let me out so he would not have to put up with me the rest of the evening. I opened the door expecting him to slow down. He didn't.  I restated myself and did not shut the door. He thought I was going to jump out (I had no intention of this!). He abruptly backpedaled and said he wanted me to go along and that he was directing his lecture to the kids (about not doing what I had done--met him 5 min late). The incident must have shook him up a little because he kept coming back to it and apologizing. I took the opportunity to emphasize that I have had it with the cranky car lectures.

My boundary is to have headphones ready and be prepared to stay home on a dime if I can see a cranky lecture coming. I will also drive separate more often and look for opportunities to do so.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Mary,

Those boundaries sound very healthy and effective.  I look forward to reading about them in action.

SoT