Seeking out chaos

[Justme729]

I am listening to an audio book about two sisters who had a dysfunctional childhood.  The one sister said that the sister seeks our chaos, when things are going well.  When her world collide. That she keeps everyone in neat little boxes. 

I notice that about myself.  I try to keep my bubble.  When my bubble gets TK a certain point or feels threatened, I do feel chaos.    My anxiety ramps up.  I am a huge control freak.  And when I can't control things I run away. 

Has anyone dealt with this? 

[Starboard Song]

I see a version of this in a dear friend who had dysfunctional childhood. He likes to feel in control, but is not "controlling." That is, it is easy to be his friend and he doesn't run everything and everyone. He just wants regularity, order, peace. He likes checklists and charts and schedules and plans. He will admit easily that this is a form of sort of false control, and that it makes him feel comfortable. He also suspects it is debris from his out of control childhood.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm definitely a bubble type. I like quiet. I like routine. I don't have to plan everything to the nth degree, but I do like knowing what to expect. I have no interest in controlling others, but I like to feel "in control" of myself. Though, like Starboard Song's friend, I suspect this is a feeling of "false control" when it comes down to it, since so much of life is out of our control.