Starting the Divorce Process - Need Advice On Evaluations

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Like many of us here, my future ex has avoided work over the years - a slow and methodical process. 
A suggestion was made to me to request a Job Evaluation in order to determine what he is capable of doing and earning.  I do think this is a good idea, as he will state there is no work for him.  Thoughts?

Also, has anyone ever requested a Psych Eval or a Trauma Based Eval in order to clarify issues in terms of custody?  My son is 17 so I am trying to avoid any custody issues, but with his verbal abuse towards me this has impacted my son.  He is requesting full physical custody and LOTS of money so i can support them in their new home.  So, the abuse continues.  Abused in the marriage, soon to be abused in the divorce.  I am sooooo upset.  I worked soooo hard over the years, and for it all to go to him.  I can't sleep, I'm loosing it.

Living in the house with him is pure hell.  I know this is all worth it, I do know that.  But, it all hurts.

[blunk]

Hi PFNW, I don't have any experiences that are directly relevant to your situation, but I did want to say that I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this, especially while still having to be in the same house.

Sort of relevant...I did end up having to pay my bpdxh alimony, after he remained unemployed for long stretches of time...yet claimed to be due half of the equity in the house. It was infuriating for sure. I wish I had ben better informed as to my options, but at the time the money was worth it to be free.

The Job Evaluation sounds like a great idea, it would help to ensure that you are not paying support because he chooses to stay unemployed or under-employed.

From what I have read in other posts, a psych eval can go either way. Some PDs are able to appear rational and cooperative to the evaluator. I am not sure whether this would be the case with your h. You mention that your h's verbal abuse has impacted your son. Does your son want to live with his dad? At that age, the court would consider him able to decide who he wishes to live with.

Sending you wishes for a smooth and (relatively) drama-free divorce.

[pushit]

I think the job evaluation is a great idea, I'd recommend speaking with an attorney regarding that if you haven't already.  In my jurisdiction, they can determine the salary a person is capable of making and use that to determine spousal support.  My experience is that the courts have seen it all and the laws are written to keep people from getting away with claiming they are unable to work when they are perfectly capable of being employed.  It's so common my lawyer called it "divorce flu".

Regarding the psych evaluation:  If I were in your shoes I would probably skip that (assuming you just have the one son at 17 years old).  My experience is that PDs are extremely crafty when it comes to hiding their mental health issues.  They will lie, deflect, charm the psychologist, stall, withhold the results, etc. and the courts won't force them to reveal anything due to HIPAA laws.  It's highly probable that you could go through all the effort to get the psych eval, spend a bunch more money, and then nothing comes out of it by the time your son becomes an adult and it doesn't matter.  Plus, like Blunk wrote, at 17 your son could just decide to live with dad regardless of what the psych eval says.  If it were me I would pass on all that added drama and put the PD in the rear view mirror as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Best of luck, this stuff sure isn't easy.

[oak_tree]

So sorry to hear you're going through this, PFNW.

I have experience with an evaluation that was not quite of the uNPD, it was of her child (but involved interviewing her too), and she definitely seems to have fooled the social worker, so I'm with pushit and blunk:  At 17, your son will likely just determine his own setup anyway.

I've never heard of a work evaluation but I'd recommend caution...I know my SO's uNPD stbxw could likely spin a lot of sad stories about how she was never "allowed" to have a job because she "had to" stay home and look after the kids, how she could never be trained (she took a ton of training courses, finished some of them, but they were never quite "her thing"). So yeah, I'd suggest talking to a lawyer about the work eval for sure - if they can see through the BS, great. If they can't...

One thing you can likely look forward to is: once you're out and free, you will regain control of your finances, even if you end up paying out some $$ to him. There won't be the insecurity/questions, you'll know where you stand. I hope that that approaching stability can give you some comfort?

Take care.
OT

[Lauren17]

I'll echo what others have said regarding your son's choice as well as the psych evaluation.
Regarding the work evaluation, I recommend talking to your lawyer. Where I am, maintenance and child support are automatically based on ability to earn, not actual earnings.
Have you read Splitting: Protecting  yourself While Divorcing a Narcissist  Borderline Personality? I highly recommend doing so.
You're  not alone in living with stbxh hell. Mine has successfully delayed my move by another month. We can do this!

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Thank you for your responses.
My future ex is a master manipulator. He could have taught the class. So, a psych eval  I can now see as going really bad. I bet if he had one, he'd flip it all and I'd get thrown into a psych ward. They are amazing how they can be so compelling and exude a confidence and truthfulness that isn't there.
I purchased the book last night, Splitting\divorce. Great suggestion. I find books helpful to me, it gets me out of my emotional panic state.
I know how I am making things worse, but sometimes my anger at this just really gets to me. When I come home  from work, to a garage that stinks like pot and he's just watching tv in a messy\dirty house I just loose it.
I wish I had kept a journal, but if I wrote down my traumatic events then they'd be real. The fog was thick for me.....I forgot so much. Even some of the big ones I can't remember  the month or even the year it happened.