Confront or grey rock?

[anon019238]

My SIL is visiting tomorrow and I am torn about how to handle it. Should I confront her or grey rock? I told my wife following a string of transgressions that I want nothing to do with her and she was not welcome in our home. My wife either forgot or has decided to ignore this. She worships her sister and refuses to stand up for herself when she invariably unloads on her for some preceived slight. She shares details about and seeks advice from her sister about our marriage. SIL is generally toxic scheming and manipulative and wife seems more compelled with being in her good graces and even embracing this behavior than recognizing its destrutive nature. I told my wife I feel like she consistently chooses her family over our marriage and this is more confirmation of that. I do not trust her and can not talk to her about any of this because its futile and painful and I am tired of being put in a position of "we talked about this" and then being pandered to.

[Poison Ivy]

Confront or grey rock who: your sister-in-law or your wife?

[anon019238]

SIL

[anon019238]

I should clarify the last meltdown SIL had resulted in her saying she would never set foot in our houese and then campaigned to ostracize my wife from her family. She has also attacked me in direct and indirect ways and everyone just kinda takes the abuse. That is what I'm torn about confronting.

[Cat of the Canals]

This is an argument I have in my own head often. I don't have a history of standing up for myself in these situations, so there is an urge to finally tell the PDs in my life what I really think... but upon further consideration, I usually realize there isn't really a point. They aren't going to learn. If anything, a confrontation will only create more drama, which they thrive on.

So I choose a combination of grey rock and medium chill (check the toolbox for an excellent guide on MC). I like MC because it gives an opportunity to set boundaries when necessary, in a non-confrontational way. For example, I grey rocked most of the time my PDmil recently visited, but there were a few times when MC had to come out to explicitly reiterate a boundary. Like the THIRD time she suggested she might feed our dog off her plate, to which I loudly and firmly said, "NO." (We have told her at least 100 times that he gets sick if he eats anything out of the ordinary.)

Is it possible for you to get out of the house during the visit? Run errands? Go to a coffee shop for a while? I gave myself permission to leave the room as often as I wanted during my MIL's visit, and it definitely saved my sanity. I also had a list of things MIL likes to do that were my cue to exit the conversation and area (offensive remarks, fake crying, etc.). Leaving the room is a wonderful boundary all in itself. So is silence. Silence has a way of shutting them up, and sometimes you can almost see them squirming when they realize their words aren't having their desired effect.

[SunnyMeadow]

I think you and your wife should have a long talk about this. You told your wife, who owns ½ of your house that her sister isn't welcome in your home again. But this is her sister. I can see how this would cause issues. I get where you're coming from and I'm not denying you have a point in all this, a big and fair point. But I think your wife has to come to this conclusion on her own instead of you telling her how it's going to be. It took me a long time to realize a similar issue with my narcissistic family and my husband. I finally saw the light but can tell you, if my dh said my family wasn't welcome in our house, there would have been fireworks.

So since the sister is coming over, you should go somewhere else. Don't be in your home with SIL. I'd keep stating my issues with sil to your wife. You deserve to have your position known. Ultimately it seems you have a communication issue with your wife. I'd deal with it from that point of view and not do anything with your SIL right now.

[SweetTea]

I told my wife following a string of transgressions that I want nothing to do with her and she was not welcome in our home.

I'm sorry you are going through this.  IMO, our home should be sacrosanct. I should feel safe in that one place. 

It is a good idea to set a boundary to make your home an abuse safe zone, but your wife has to be 100% on board with that boundary, or its a moot point. For today,, you can communicate with your spouse that SIL makes you feel unsafe in your home.. Can change her plans to meet her sister elsewhere/make arrangements for her to stay elsewhere? If not, why not remove yourself while SIL is there?

Next steps is having a hard discussion on how you can both feel safe in your own home, and coming up with a game plan you can both agree on.

If your wife is deep in the fog, your biggest obstacle on contending with the PD family may be your wife choosing the comfort of her PD family over you   her spouse.

In my experience, this was a more painful realization (excruciating and devastating) than the fact that my inlaws were PD'd and abusing me.

It took therapy and marriage counseling for my spouse to 'come Out of the FOG', see the abuse for what it was, and become aware his loyalty has to align 100% with his FOC (family of choice)  Every. Single. Time.

In the meantime, now is the time to restate clearly what your personal boundaries are. Your boundary includes what you will do as a result if boundary is ignored/ breached. ( remember in boundary setting, you can only control YOUR actions.) Example: "If/when abusive sister comes into our home, I will depart to hotel/friends house until she is gone."

From my personal experience, trying to use the Toolbox with pd inlaw family without the cooperation and full support from my spouse was like trying to focus exclusively on dealing with a recurring rash, and not addressing my heart attack symptoms. 

P.S. fWIW, I am now No Contact with my inlaws and they are not allowed in our home. DH is low contact and will visit with them elsewhere if they come to town. 

[anon019238]

Thank you all for the insight and understanding. I was conflicted about being 'avoidant' but being busy and having something to do \ getting out of the house seems like the right approach (although I get anxious about asserting myself in that way). Medium chill is helpful. In terms of discussing with my wife - I didn't say SIL is not welcome as an order to be followed but in an "as far as I'm concerned" way. I respect she has equal say and this is her family. As far as me broaching the topic with her, I also do not 'feel safe' because I don't trust she will hold these personal things in confidence and I am simply over repeating myself to her and watching the same performance play out over and over again. I would love for her to choose us instead of her family and I am struggling to come to terms with that not being the kind of marriage I have. To @sweettea's point, that is maybe the hardest and most frustrating part about all if this.

[Adria]

I would sit down calmly with wife, and just state that, "I know we have different opinions regarding SIL.  If you choose to have her over, that is fine. However, I choose to leave the premises as long as she is here."  Don't get upset, irate, or act like it bothers you in the least.  Just state that she has choices and you have choices.  And, maybe even say, "I'd like to go out to dinner when she is gone, call me."   It will change the whole dynamic. 

This is her sister, and if she can't see through the FOG right now, pushing her won't help.  Probably make it worse.  I've done this with dh and his family.  Okay, I'll see you afterward, but if they are here, I'll be busy shopping downtown.  I don't get upset. I just make other plans.  Eventually, without me there being upset or as a buffer, dh could see it for what it was and now we are on the same page.  Doesn't happen overnight, but over time when they are forced to be with their family alone because they are too intolerable for us, they will realize how much fun they are.  Wish you the best.

[anon019238]

Good advice, thank you.