decided to leave, but need help on finding the best way

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decided to leave, but need help on finding the best way
« on: September 25, 2021, 03:17:14 PM »
Hi all, I'm kinda new here, being reading posts and they are helping a lot. Got the courage to ask for some advice...
I'm in a 10 year relationship with a BPDgf, that have been trough ups and downs... we don't live together anymore, and I got the chance to see her less often during the pandemics...
I'm in therapy now for a few months, and I'm realizing that I wasn't even ok, this relationship has drained me... feel that I don't have nothing more to give... So I've been working with my therapist on leaving... The therapist thinks that the ideal thing would be to have the conversation face to face, but the last time I did that personally she got physically violent, so I'm afraid of that happening again, or at least she traying every trick she can to keep me in...
The thing is, I feel guilty about leaving her right now because she's been depressed, and her depression is on and off all these years... maybe she's manipulating me, don't know...
What could I say? Would it be that awful to end things at a safe distance, through text messages? Feeling a bad person here  :-\



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Re: decided to leave, but need help on finding the best way
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2021, 03:45:21 AM »
Hello!   You are not alone.    I am not sure how you should end things with your GF but I have been in your shoes and ending things with someone who has a personality disorder is hard.    It took me months to figure out my exit plan and to be honest a few more months to get my courage up.    Taking back my personal control was the best thing I ever did for myself.     In my gut I knew I deserved to be treated better.   

I am not sure why your therapist thinks the breakup has to be in person but maybe that is part of the closure?  Can you bring a friend?   When I asked my exBDPbf to move out I had my sister and BFF at the house for moral support.   

Keep your eyes forward towards your personal healing and growth.   ((( hug )))

Sometimes you donít realize youíre actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone elseís anchor.   

Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.



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Re: decided to leave, but need help on finding the best way
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2021, 09:55:01 AM »
I feel your pain.

I spent 3 months wanting to end my relationship with my BPD ex gf, but Borderlines are so good at playing the victim, I found it very difficult to follow through, no matter how bad things were.
It was a horrible time. I felt trapped, and I didn't know why.
I was fortunate that my Grey Rock approach for those months meant that she started looking to secure a new supply/target/victim/lackey, and as soon as Christmas was out of the way, she monkey-branched to him.
(Although it was the weirdest Christmas I've ever had, that was the best Christmas present I could have had!)

I now hear so much about the things the new supply is going through, and how many times they've broken up, but he keeps going back for more because of the trauma bond.
The few times I've passed him in the street, I can see the toll it's taken on him.
He looks lost, drained, but still hooked.

Sounds like you're beyond that stage, and are ready to leave, which is great.
That's half the battle.
If she is Borderline (diagnosed or you know she has most of the traits), then you're doing the right thing.
I can't give you any advice on how to leave, because, as I've stated, even though I really wanted away, I still felt sorry for her (which is crazy when you consider how vile she was/is to me), and waited for her to leave me.
That was a real tough time.

But I can say that when you are out the other side, and you've given yourself a year or two to get to know yourself again, you know that it was the right thing for you to do.

You've been with her a long time, especially compared to how long I was with mine, but the fact that you don't live together anymore and that the pandemic has given you some breathing space is a huge bonus.
And you're talking to a therapist, which should be a great help with what's to come.

I know what you mean about feeling guilty.
To this day, I don't know if my BPD ex gf was manipulating me to feel guilty because she could tell I wanted out, and knew I would be reluctant to end it with her if she was depressed.
I know Borderlines do suffer a lot of depression and anxieties, and I feel for them because it must be a nightmare.
But they really know how to use it to control us, and never hesitate to do so.

The only thing I can say is work out a plan with your therapist, what to say, how to say it, etc, and the comment above about having support with you is a great idea.
They shouldn't be in the room with you and your BPD gf, but waiting for you in another room, or preferably outside in a car is a good idea.

Break-ups are always difficult, but a break-up with someone who's abusive should be easy, right?
Well, if we were Narcissists or Borderlines maybe, but we're not.
The very thing that they don't have, empathy, is the very thing that we do have that keeps us in the relationship a lot longer than we normally would be.
And that's a good thing.
It means you're neurotypical.

And try not to feel guilty.
Like the rest of us, I'm sure you tried everything you could to make it work...and then tried some more, while your partner seemed to try less and less.
We've all been there.

There's only so much you can do before you start to damage your own mental and physical health, and that's a price no-one should have to pay for a relationship.

Good luck.
Stay strong.



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Re: decided to leave, but need help on finding the best way
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2021, 10:25:30 AM »
We all have our different paths.
The last phrase you typed was "feeling bad".... I found that my fear, obligation, guilt....kept me from thinking about myself.  Think about you....what do you do you want to end this relationship? What would the stronger part of yourself say?



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Re: decided to leave, but need help on finding the best way
« Reply #4 on: September 28, 2021, 12:54:15 PM »
We had couple therapy and my stdbxw with unpd acted so angelic during the sessions that the therapist labelled me as the problem.  If she's really has PD, don't fall into the trap of feeling guilty, it will just sink you deeper into helplessness.



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Re: decided to leave, but need help on finding the best way
« Reply #5 on: September 28, 2021, 01:05:46 PM »
I feel like your therapist's advice on breaking up face-to-face would apply in a normal (non-PD) relationship. Meeting and talking, discussing your feelings, talking through your plans for moving on....would all be a healthy end to a healthy relationship. But as you are well aware, relationships with PDs are not healthy.

You have mentioned that during a previous attempt to end the relationship, she became physically violent. This is extremely concerning, and there is a high likelihood that it will happen again. Based on that alone, I do not believe that it is wise to break up face-to-face.

I too, dealt with a bpdx who was depressed. Depression does not excuse treating your partner poorly, becoming violent, being manipulative, etc. Additionally, my xh had threatened self harm and suicide on many occasions. I made it clear that if he made such threats, I would call the police to perform a welfare check. I never had to make that call, because in his case the threats were a manipulation, a way to make me feel guilty about my choice to end the marriage. I am not saying that you should disregard such statements, but you also cannot be held responsible for the choices and/or actions of another adult. You can respond proactively (by contacting authorities) to ensure their safety should the need arise.

I don't believe that it would be unreasonable for you to send a text or an email. It would give you the opportunity to think through what you want to say without the PD present to try to change your mind, or lash out violently.

However you may choose to end the relationship, please do everything you need to do to keep yourself safe.



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Re: decided to leave, but need help on finding the best way
« Reply #6 on: September 28, 2021, 01:28:52 PM »
Iím sorry youíre in such a difficult situation. I suspect that no matter how you choose to end the relationship, it will be the ďwrongĒ way.  I did not feel physically safe telling my uPDxh in person, that I filed for divorce.  I filed, loaded up the children for a pre-planned trip, and called him when I was an hour away.  As expected, he ranted for awhile about how I chose to tell him the news, and I honestly did feel badly about it for a short time.  Two years later, and lots more water under the bridge, I couldnít care less if he didnít like the way I went about telling him the marriage was ending.  I spent much of the previous 20 years being unhappy with the way he conducted himself during the relationship.  Now Iím free of it.

Iíve learned you can have empathy for a personófor having depression, a PD, a substance abuse disorder, or whatever is their affliction, without making it your personal responsibility to help or shelter them.  To me, thatís one difference between being empathetic and enabling.  Her issues seem to be outside your scope, and likely are best handled by a professional.  If she reacts poorly to something you say or do, that you offered honestly, and with empathy, thatís for her to work on.  As a someone close to me said, ďI have room in my heart for this person, but I no longer have room for them in my life.Ē 
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, Iíll rise.
óMaya Angelou



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Re: decided to leave, but need help on finding the best way
« Reply #7 on: September 30, 2021, 02:27:16 AM »
Don't feel guilty.  No matter what you do - her depression is her depression - if it's depression.  You can change or control it.  You can only do you.

If you experienced violence in the past, then you have a valid reason to do it from a distance via phone or text.  In a normal relationship, after that length of time, face to face would be expected.  But this isn't normal.  You have to protect yourself.  Do that.

I left my 32-year marriage by packing up while he was gone and having the papers served after I left.  It was calculated and planned with my lawyer to provide for my safety.  How is that different from your situation? 

Be safe and exit quickly.