How to Handle kids of NPD sister

[NewFreedom]

Hey everyone! It's been a while since I've posted.

I'm really revisiting an old conundrum for me once again and could use some help.

I have an NPD sister with 3 kids; one is my age (30's), one is 6 years younger and the other is 9 years younger than me. Tragically, the youngest child, F, passed away a few years ago. I don't speak with either of the other ones. The oldest one, who's my age is just like my sister-- a total NPD and we went NC about 11 years ago. I am really struggling with what to do about the middle child, "C". We have no reason (on the surface) not to speak, and I just don't know what to do.

Here's some backstory--
My sister is NPD and has been incredibly emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive to her kids and to me and my family. I went NC with her in 2016 and she systematically manipulated everyone so that all of her children cut contact with me (you know, as narcs do). My sister and I didn't speak until my niece "F" tragically died in a car accident a year and a half later. I LOVED my niece F and was incredibly traumatized and devastated that she died. I was also traumatized and devastated that she was manipulated into not speaking to me for that year and a half before she died. It was awful and I have so many regrets about not trying harder to contact her, not speaking out against the abuse, not trying to connect with her.

The middle child, my nephew "C", doesn't talk to me either still. We have had some very limited texts since F died but then he stopped responding. I tried with my sister again after that and have slowly distanced myself from her, now we don't really talk and I'm basically NC with her again. I found out from my other sister that the 2 boys stopped talking to their mom as well, which was MIND BLOWING to me that they'd ever recognize her abuse and do something about it.

Anyway, I really want a relationship with my middle nephew "C". He's always been a sweetheart and I know I didn't actually do anything to make him not talk to me-- it was all HER (Im assuming at least). One of my biggest regrets is allowing her to manipulate my niece and I was too scared to "make more waves" and contact her or say anything. I was just trying to protect myself and give it all some space. Then she fucking died. Something I can never forgive my sister for.

So, now I'm just terrified, I don't want to lose my nephew forever and I also want to help him. I want him to know I'm here for him and I understand what he's gone through. I'm also a therapist and would really like to provide some support for him, as I know he must have C-PTSD or something like it. I know he really struggles in his life.

He lives in a different state and I have the urge to write him a letter-- either detailed and offering support, or just more casual and brief. I also had the idea today to anonymously send him a book called "Narcissistic Mothers" by Caroline Foster (great read if you haven't read it). Like I would just send it to him without a return address. Just in the hopes he would read it.

I'm pretty sure he won't be receptive to a full-blown attempt at reconnecting or explaining all the trauma I know he's been through, but I'm wondering, should I just let it be??? Should I just continue giving him that space? Or is that avoidance? I tell myself sometimes that I should have done more to help them -- but I was just a kid too -- but now I'm an adult and maybe I can help him? Maybe he really needs someone in our family to speak up and name it... to know someone is on his side.

What do you think?

Ugh.

[Worthy of Care]

Perhaps if you send him a card with the message that you care about him and miss him, it would be a step toward more communication in the relationship.

[Jolie40]

sorry about losing your niece

if I were you, would not give book as there's no way of knowing how he's processing his childhood
there's also no way of knowing what lies were told about you

I would start with something simple such as sending a b'day card & Christmas cards
maybe include your email address  & let him contact you if he wants

after few mos, ask for his email & if he responds, then you two could start up friendly conversations
however, I would stay away from topic of your sister
it could trigger him & stop any communication

[NewFreedom]

Sounds like sending some friendly cards first might be the general consensus so far. That sounds like a good idea. I definitely don't want to trigger him or make anything worse for him... or push him further away from me.

You're right, I don't know the lies that were told about me... I'm sure they are just wonderful

[moglow]

I'd make contact and go easy with opening that door, as Jolie suggested above. I realized/found out as an adult that mother's family [her siblings and my older cousins] knew what she was doing, how we were treated. No one did or said anything or tried to intervene that I know of and I deeply resented them for it. I don't know if they were kept away or if she shut them out, but the fact remained - they grew up with her. They knew what she was capable of. Only one really reached out to me that I remember and mother would interfere every time Aunt M was around.

Open the door, let him know you're thinking of him and keep on doing it. He may well come to you - or he may prefer to not talk about it at all. Either way, he could probably use a friend.

[sandpiper]

What the others have said. Go slow, start small, don't rush him.
It's taken DH's family over 30 years to acknowledge that his mother was most likely uBPD. They never accepted it when I pointed out that the behaviour was odd but after she died 18 months ago it seemed 'safe' to talk about that.
I've accepted that my sisters' children have been pushed out of shape by what they experienced - they're choosing life partners who behave like their parents. You're a T, you'll understand why this happens.
FWIW I think it's much healthier to do the 'detach with love' thing with family. I found that instead of focusing my energy on the people I couldn't fix, it was better to take the attitude that I was a refugee in a new land and to start building new relationships with healthier people. If people can survive wars and volcanoes erupting and can go off & build a good life for themselves, sometimes that might be time better spent than trying to salvage things from the ruins.

[Breakthrough]

I agree with going slow, sending cards with short notes.  May be texting a bit.  That gives him time to deal and reciprocate in his own time and pace, not too overwhelming.

I fear this with my nephews of my uNPDsis.  I wonder about contact with them, I still send them birthday and Christmas cards with gifts.  I haven't seen them in person for 2 years because of the pandemic, but once the restriction ease (which I hope with happen in the upcoming year, as it seems the new variant is mild, hopefully that holds true and we'll be out of this finally).  At that point I will have to figure out what kind of contact I am ok with.  Because they are still minors, contact with them means contact with her.  I don't want to continue a rift, but also just want away from the abuse I endured from my sister.  It's peaceful having no contact with her.

I think since your nephew no longer has contact with his mom, he is definitely opening his eyes, but I think it will still take some time.  He may have many good memories of you, but who knows how he processed your interactions with his mother.  I know my nephews have a very skewed view of me and my husband due to the gossip between my sis and BIL about us (they really don't know us very well, and yet still, it seems like they enjoy talking about us, putting us down in front of their kids, I think because they are miserable themselves).  That is the problem I see for reconnecting, you don't know the poison about you he was fed.  This is why going slow I'd best.  I wouldn't send the book for now, I would wait to see about reconnecting slowly first.  It's hard when you see things for what they are and a loved one doesn't (my husband and his NPDmom come to mind, so difficult when he is in the FOG).  The best you can do is let them see for themselves, which it sounds like he has.  I would start by building your relationship with him, and leave his mother out of it.