Conceding

[baffledhuman]

Hello. New here.

About a month ago, after several months of particularly difficult conflict, I woke up and realized I needed to approach my dBPDw differently (she's been told by a therapist that she, at least, has BPD traits).

Mainly, that meant I needed to stop giving her ammunition by letting my anger get the better of me, surrendering my need to be right, my need to argue, and start staying "on my side of the fence."

It's been an amazing month for two reasons. First, I'm proud to have rediscovered that yes, I do have control over my own responses. Second, I'm surprised that the better behaved I am, the worse behaved my spouse becomes. She is now the one losing her temper, really flying off the handle and walking right up to the edge of aggressive physical contact.

Part of my nature is to acknowledge when I've done something wrong and to try to make amends. I acknowledge also that sometimes it can take me a little bit of time to come around to admitting my responsibility, but we're usually talking a matter of a day or two.

I have in the past month listened without responding except for repeating what I hear, supporting, empathizing, etc. I have also conceded and apologized when she accuses me of something I have indeed done (she maintains an impressive "file system" in her mind of virtually every wrong thing she thinks I've ever done, it seems to me, and is able to pull out files at will). When she points out something I've misheard or misunderstood, I have agreed and told her I will be more careful.

But given that her behavior is actually escalating, I've started to wonder if all this conceding is the right thing to do.

Thoughts?

[Poison Ivy]

IMO, your spouse's behavior is escalating because she craves conflict and believes that she needs to escalate her behavior to get the conflict. Your behavior for the past few months is admirable; keep it up.

[losingmyself]

I think you've done an excellent job.
And from what I know, it's common for them to escalate when faced with your changing behaviors, such as not taking the bait they're casting out.  What she's doing isn't getting her the fuel she needs to feed her ego, so she thinks she just has to do more.
Hang in there, read the toolbox, get as much information as you can find. I can't tell you what will happen next. There are great resources in the Working on Ourselves section of this forum, maybe you'll find some answers there.
Good luck and stay strong.

[baffledhuman]

Thank you, Poison Ivy and losingmyself.