Exhausted by trying and never being good enough

[11JB68]

So exhausted tonight by always trying so hard and yet never living up to uOCPDh's needs and expectations.
No matter what/how much I do...I always seem to fall short. Almost every week he finds something to be angry at me for.

[Gettintired76]

I feel what you are saying sooo much 11. I have bent over backwards for years for my now ex, but it was always " not up to her standards" so therefore to her I didn't do anything. Always, "why should I be grateful you did what you were supposed to do?" And so on. So tiring

[JustKeepTrying]

It's exhausting.  Never living up to their weird and ever-changing expectations.  And you try to anticipate and it never works.  Tiring, exhausting, and stressful.

I am so sorry you are going through this.  You from all your posts I have found are an impressive person.  You are more than enough.

[losingmyself]

It's not you being not good enough. It's them finding a way to 'make you' feel bad. They feel bad, so they want you to feel worse than they do.
Try this- look in the mirror and say "Hey there! You're awesome!"  Feels stupid and ridiculous at first, but it's the truth. You are, I am, we all are.
I forced myself to say to me, I don't care what he thinks of me, or says about me, I know me and I am great. Somewhere inside of me, and I will get it out. It might take a while, but I know it's in there, my awesomeness
Remember, him saying anything negative is about him, not you.
You are awesome!
So don't waste your time. If he complains that he doesn't like something you did, well, that's too bad for him, because you did a great job.  Sad that he doesn't recognize it.

[square]

Personally, if I'm in trouble either way, I pick whatever is easiest for me, including not doing a thing at all.

Sometimes H will do something ridiculous like tell me I did nothing after hours of my work. I shrug and say that's a relief to hear that he did it all so that next time I don't have to bother. Shuts him up cold.

There was one task that he started absolutely obssessing over to a bizarre extent, years ago. I tried for a while to meet his standards. Eventually I stopped doing the task at all. No point.

I actually feel calmer when I'm being yelled at for not doing something at all. Because it makes semi logical sense in my head. I feel like my mind is completely breaking when I am being told I didn't do something I spent hours doing, or that I "never" do a task I do daily, or that I did a terrible job when I dedicated so much effort to pleasing him. My mind goes round and round and it short circuits me.

If I just don't do it or do the bare minimum or whatever, my mind goes, yeah, I did a lousy job. So what. Can't please him no matter what. And I can let it go without feeling like I'm falling apart.

[escapingman]

I used to get told off for everything, nothing good enough. I was even told off for boiling potatoes in the wrong way  A while ago I just had enough and now I do absolutely nothing other than cooking my own food and clearing my own plates away.  Now she complains about me doing nothing, but I just don't care anymore.

Just remember it's not you, keep strong and ignore the PD.

[blunk]

I was even told off for boiling potatoes in the wrong way 

This bit actually made me laugh...at the absurdity of it all. My x once told me that I was raking leaves wrong. And I also picked up the dog poop wrong. But if I suggested that he do it instead, then I was better at it...pretty much the same with all of the tasks that he didn't like to do.

[Boat Babe]

You are in a game that you cannot win. The dice are loaded and the referee is corrupt.  You cannot win but you can choose not to lose.

Don't play the game..

[escapingman]

 

You cannot win when the other part change the rules and have no moral compass about what is right and wrong.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I boil water the wrong way.....really?

[1footouttadefog]

Not sure how, but at some point I was able to fire my odh as someone whose opinion or validation I needed.

This was healing and things started hurting less. 

It was a painful place to come to be as I approached it.  It meant realizing and accepting that some things I should have in a marriage partner would and could never be.

Once I quit seeking them for the most part, the expectations and resulting disappointments when they were not met, were greatly reduced.

In short I lowered the bar when I fired him.  I was then able to disengage emotionally. 

It's like not expecting your plumber to fix the electric outlet day after day.  Not his job not his skillset.  When you quit asking you quit getting dissapointed or turned down.

Not expecting an adult emotional life and relationship from someone who is emotionally a child helps both parties in my case as pdh is no bei g put in a position to be a chronic failure.

[Gettintired76]

Oh yes I know these all too well, I cook wrong I clean wrong etc but somehow I'm always the one stuck doing them.

[Kat54]

Ugh that was a huge thing with my ex. He would even yell at me in front of my family criticizing my cooking or whatever it was. It was always something that got him going at me.
Many times it went right over me and I ignored it or told him he should do it then. Which of course he would then back off.
But unfortunately it wore me out, the constantly barking, yelling.  It was something that was never going to change so it was either accept and learn to live with if you can. I chose to exit.