Fought and things ended with childhood friend, wondering if i was in the wrong?

[roseberry200]

This was a childhood friend of mine. She recently came back into my life after 6 years, she lost touch with me. I did try to contact her few times but got no responses from either end. Call me petty, but i did feel a little hurt that she sort of forget about me and not speak to me in so long.

I found myself really stressed out from her and she was bit controlling and would say lots of contradictory things. she would give me backhanded compliments especially on my appearance.  I been bullied a lot on my appearance so some of the things she said was really triggering. I  remembered, she asked me when getting back in touch. She asks me, 'do you wear makeup? and i answered ''no,'' She got shocked i didn't wear makeup and practically forced me to try some on me and told me 'see you look like a woman" and im like 'do i look a boy?", i mean 'you dont look 16 anymore!" im (26) That still not a nice way to put.  i think she put too much makeup on me.  And she kept telling me that and told me that my lack of wearing makeup was holding me back. I got confused, sometimes she would tell that i look great without makeup and how i have nice features. But then another time when i confided about my insecurities about how i look, she said things like 'at least you have a nice body", implying that the only good thing about is my body. and "what did I expect to get a boyfriend and for a guy to notice to me if i dont wear makeup and tight clothes. She made me feel bad about my natural appearance sometimes and said things like we will work on your hair and skin and you will look like a natural version of you but better. Ouch! But then went on to say sweet things like how im so beautiful and exotic looking. She put me both up and down.

Now i told her at the beginning i would like some tips on beauty, but I didnt ask to be put down. I talked with a counselor about it and she told me that i could misinterpreting what she said as negative and how she was these things as  a way she thought she was helping me, but didn't say i was in the wrong either. I do not know i still felt what she said to was very rude and hurtful. 

I also felt she would one up me a lot, She would brag about her looks  a lot and romantic experiences. She knew that i don't get hit on much, and told me 'Oh you don't date much? i kissed like 50 guys at parties!!" and said other things of how girls cried at the sight of her because guys were hitting on her at parties and how every girl in her dorms were jealous of her.  I sort of felt she was trying to make herself better especially when i did not get half the attention she does. She seemed to even like getting attention from men who had girlfriends and kids, which i dont understand. She even told me once she had narcissistic tendencies. I totally believe that especially with how boastful she was.

We both have a history of trauma and traumatic family experiences. We ended up talking about it a lot with each other. Sometimes she would call me in middle of night to talk about a traumatic flashbacks. Then i realized maybe its a little unhealthy too, especially relying on other so much for support on our traumas. She also is currently in an abusive relationship with her husband. She told me numerous time in detail on how her husband hits her and she told me she feared for her life. I started to worry about her so much. i would get anxious if she didnt reply. She was also clingy with me.

I told her about some options she can do and some advice. It seems she kept telling me the same thing over and over that she did not know what to do and when i told her something she would always bring it up. I felt so helpless and guilty for not being able to help her. She told me that she needed my love and encouragement to help escape her relationship and i failed at that

She also told me i had to help her with her self esteem and to help her keep in her check to not fight with her husband.

i was also going through depression and other mental health problems, sometimes when i told her about my stuff she would make it all about her. Sometimes i felt like i was not listened to or taken seriously. sometimes i felt used. I think because as counselor told me i had a hard time asserting my boundaries so it build a lot of resentment.  But eventually i did confront her a lot on what bothered me, of things she said. She would apologize and explain herself, but continued to be insulting. Looking back, she does not really think before she speaks. To be honest, One day i got very upset and paranoid and told her that i felt used and if she was using me i couldn't be her therapist anymore and how i felt like sometimes im an emotional punching bag. how she put me down,  how its unhealthy our talks about trauma and how we cant really heal each other. It may not have sounded nice, i was broken down at that moment. which i feel really bad for now.

This really hurt her. She told me ''what competition? there is no competition?  we are equals, we are sisters, you and me cannot be compared at all''. She told me that if i was unhappy i should not project it onto others,  how i interpreted her texts in a negative light and how it hurt her each time.  how she invested her heart and soul in this friendship, how she has never been hurt like this. How for someone who claims to have empathy this is not empathy. How no matter what situation i am, i should not say things like that and how hurtful it was. How i did not think twice before saying i felt used and couldnt be a therapist anymore and how i broke her trust and how she will never open up to anyone ever again. How she has never been so hurt by a friend. No matter what situation I am in, I should not say something like that. She told me how she couldn't do anything but stay in bed and cry all day because her best friend thinks she my therapist and using her. How if i do not have anything nice to say, I should not say it. How if i felt used  i should have said something. How she gave me her heart and soul and i wrenched it out of her heart. How she was in so much pain.

i instantly regretted whatever i said and felt horrible. I find it very hard to trust anybody even close friends due to my history of toxic friendships and abandonment. Maybe i really pushed her away in fear of being abandoned again

Its so painful. it been 7 months and thought i would be over it. But i still have times where i feel so guilty, lonely  start having panic attacks and cant help but cry and feel disgusting. I left/fought with her over her difficult time. I should have been more empathic about her situation rather than listen to my insecurities and doubts. I miss her but im trying to realize, it was very unhealthy 'friendship', and me and her very different people, very mismatched. Our beliefs dont align with another which was it led us to clashing a lot as my counselor said.

When i see her clothes she gave me, our childhood pictures, i break into an ugly sob. i feel like i ruined everything.  But at the same time, she was very triggering, rude, and too full of herself that left a bad taste in my mouth and quite frankly her ideas on what it means to be a woman (makeup, sex, sexist views made me disgusted and could not tolerate someone with that mentality.

From what i wrote did i sound harsh? am i the problem?

[Amadahy]

I'm sorry for your painful breakup with your childhood friend. Roseberry.  It is entirely possible you have both been in such a place of pain that the friendship could not flourish. Have you read about co-dependency? It sounds like some elements of that played into your times together. At our healthiest, we must remember we cannot save others, no matter how much we want to. It does sound like she needs some help and you offered some suggestions. I don't know what else you could do without compromising your own well-being. Perhaps take some time to study personality disorders and co-dependent relationships, while taking time to rest and feel better. I find lots of help on youtube with Les Carter, Dr Ramani, Lisa Romano, Patrick Teahan, Irene Lyon and others.  Take good care and let us know how you get on.  xoxo

[Honey_B]

I am sorry to be this blunt but your friend sounds horrible! She is possibly a narcissist as well but it does not matter, she does not treat you well and all your feelings of being put down and competition are totally relevant. All these red flags that you feel should be take seriously, its your body trying to warn you.

If you are in a good friendship you will not feel like you do with this friend. You will feel relaxed and secure. There can be differences of opinion from time to time, but in a good friendship this does not result in putting the other person down.

I wish you all the best <3

[moglow]

Please try to set aside the ideas of fault and blame and feeling guilty - it takes two. In every relationship, friendship there are two people involved who bring their own stuff to the table. Sometimes we can work through that stuff, other times not.

Friendship for me doesn't include space for judgment, and that's what i see here over and over. Encouragement and "can we try xyz?" are one thing, having it seemingly flung in one's face where we're "wrong" are something different. It's not friendly and not encouraging. Constructive criticism also isn't a bad thing. This feels like sniping judgment and would push me hard the other direction. You should have told her you felt used? You did - and she got very defensive,

At the end of the day, I can only say that childhood friendships don't always last a lifetime. We can and do sometimes grow apart, some come back together and others don't. Forgive yourself for whatever you feel you may have done, and work towards building more positive friendships. They're out there, I promise you!