When you can’t win…

[Justme729]

As I'm sure most of us know, dealing with PD is like playing with fire.   I am always doing something wrong it feels like.   On my team especially. I sent an email, I didn't sent an email, I sent a text instead of an email, I did this or that wrong (when there is no right or wrong way).  I park in the wrong parking spot, even though they aren't labeled.  How is ones whole day ruined because I parked my car in an opened unlabeled parking space?  I fail to understand.  I'm constantly harassed about what I am doing wrong.  I can never do anything right. 

L How do you deal with this negative energy?  I already have my "stuff" to deal
with that don't include these individuals at the workplace.  I've been very polite and I think I've mastered the art of smile and nod.   But today this girl said she almost Hit my car because she's on auto pilot to pull into "her" spot.  I told her, well if she hits my car we can take it up with her insurance company.  She said it "ruins" her whole day if she doesn't park in her spot.   I feel legit stupid at the moment.  It's a parking spot.   I'll probably be respectful and just park elsewhere while I roll my eyes.   But really? It's a dang parking spot.

[moglow]

I'm sorry but I had to laugh - if that's all it takes to ruin her day, imagine how empty those days are. Somebody's looking for something to whine about I guess. Idea to the sad one: you have to have THAT spot? Get there earlier. Done.

For you - work on refusing other people's stuff. It's not easy but neither is carrying their stuff plus our own.

Peace

[Justme729]

I'm sorry but I had to laugh - if that's all it takes to ruin her day, imagine how empty those days are. Somebody's looking for something to whine about I guess. Idea to the sad one: you have to have THAT spot? Get there earlier. Done.

For you - work on refusing other people's stuff. It's not easy but neither is carrying their stuff plus our own.

Peace

I know.  If I can ruin your day over a parking spot that's quite extreme.  But, it is just one more thing to add to the list of red marks against me from the "clique".  Sigh.  My husband said go ahead and hit the car- dare ya! We will file a police report for not only the car, but harassment due to the ongoing situation.   This person is supposed to be my mentor.   But all she's done is a make my life harder.  My team lead and her are best friends.  I don't know what I ever did to piss these people off besides existing. 

[moglow]

I'm sorry - i overlooked the ongoing ridiculousness of that group and it's truly not funny. Childish and petty yes, but can be painful to experience. And at your chosen workplace no less. Really, I'm sorry if I added insult to injury, that wasn't my intention.

You may have covered elsewhere, but how long has it been like this? Is this where you plan to stay for some time or is it a jumping off place for you? Is this trial by fire temporary or do you see light at the end of their tunnel? Are there opportunities for you elsewhere within this company? I'm also curious about staff turnover - that's a big indicator of the overall attitude. Just some things to think about so you can find your way forward.

We spend a great deal of our working life, and to be bullied, ostracized etc are unnecessary and can be debilitating - and yes create a hostile work environment. You don't have to be best buddies, but a group does have to work together.

Remember always, it's not personal if we don't take it that way. It's a job, one that hopefully pays the bills. There are others out there when/if we're in a position to look. I wouldn't bad mouth a previous employer in an interview but I wouldn't hesitate to firmly say "we weren't a good fit" or indicate that my personal situation (growth!) has changed and I need challenges current position doesn't offer. BUT I'd probably provide a scathing exit interview letter for current company CEO outlining my reasons for leaving.

[Hazy111]

The drama of the parking spot is just narc supply . Its nothing to do with the parking spot, or you or anything really important, its just about generating "supply", attention.

I had a boss like this and some ex colleagues. When i learnt about his behavior with others , i didnt take it so personally. But then he returned to me when he didnt have others to occupy his mind. Someone was always in the crosshairs of his paranoia and drive for supply. We were actually at a clients  home working who happened to be a therapist who overheard the way he was talking to me. They said " he must be very hard to work with". The only answer in the end was to leave.

[moglow]

One stands out in my mind too - I hit a bad spot years ago where I was really struggling, and scrambling for any gainful employment. I'd been most of prior months on unemployment and deeply disliked it, plus it just wasn't enough to survive on. Someone I knew of was looking for office assistant, I met with him and hired on the spot albeit at minimal salary. But it was a job.

He was a big ole bully, demanding and barking orders and tantrums whenever he felt the need. I quickly saw his tendency to blame me/others when anything went wrong, the demeaning comments when I asked questions. Client files were missing - a LOT of client files, and those clients were calling about status and what's taking so long. I didn't even have a client list!

Then I realized I was his fifth assistant that year, and it's September. And he'd changed office locations just a month or so before I came. No wonder things were a jumble! Nobody had a clue where the last one left off, some files were at his home, others never to be seen at all.

Anyhoo a former boss contacted me mid-november/two months into this nightmare, offered job with raise from my previous salary there ($6 more an hour from my current!!) No hesitation, I composed a resignation letter, offered 2+ weeks notice since Thanksgiving would fall in that window.

The bully went ballistic, first off: don't think for a minute I'm paying you for Thanksgiving even if office is closed that week. Um okay big man, you do you, but I'm doing the right thing here and giving notice. He then shut me out, spoke when absolutely necessary and even then he was insulting.

He brought in the next assistant, telling me I have to train her. Um no, *I'm* in training, trying to piece things together. Not in a position to train someone else! He gets notification that something i'd filed was wrong, I didnt know how to fix it and asked again about the process. Literally "you figure it out!" And stomped out the office, new horrified assistant in tow.

When I threw up my lunch that day, I knew I was done. I went straight back to the office, wrote a brief email that I would not be back, left my key on his desk and locked the door behind me. Raging phone calls started when he returned to the office, telling me I better fix this, I owed him etc etc. Nope.

His newest assistant had much better boundaries than I, and left within the week. Piece de resistance? He was disbarred about a year or so ago - failure to communicate with clients and accepting retainers without any case work on his part (fraud), refused to refund said retainers. Justice!!

Remember always - that's a job and there *will* be others. You may not change them/their behavior but you can absolutely change yours.

[Justme729]

Hazy111-  I'm not sure what I can do to stop/ensure I don't get them a narc supply.   What does the medium chill look like in this situation?

Moglow- It's so stupid.  The idiocy of the situation is just IDK.  The tantrums are so stupid.   Engaging isn't worth it.  I just want to find a way to make life bearable with work.  As it isn't an option to leave.  Most people are awesome, but these few people and their flying monkeys control the place- including admin.  I have to find a way to get through and not give into their demands. 

[square]

I think medium chill here would be like "oh, what a shame," said like you barely heard her.

To not get upset or defensive or apologetic. Don't bother pointing out it's not her space. Don't bother threatening insurance. Just barely respond and get on with being busy with crap that actually matters. If she pushes keep saying in the same tone "ohmygosh" - barely interested, not looking up or eyes glazed. Then, "well, I'd better get back to filing."

[Justme729]

I think medium chill here would be like "oh, what a shame," said like you barely heard her.

To not get upset or defensive or apologetic. Don't bother pointing out it's not her space. Don't bother threatening insurance. Just barely respond and get on with being busy with crap that actually matters. If she pushes keep saying in the same tone "ohmygosh" - barely interested, not looking up or eyes glazed. Then, "well, I'd better get back to filing."

I definitely didn't have an upset tone, or anything like that.  I kept working, was neutral, and really didn't even acknowledge her presence.  The more I did that the more agitated she got.

[Justme729]

Now the team lead has scheduled a meeting at a time outside contract hours when she knows I'm not available and said it is required.  We already meet that morning. Why can't we go over it then? 

[square]

I think medium chill here would be like "oh, what a shame," said like you barely heard her.

To not get upset or defensive or apologetic. Don't bother pointing out it's not her space. Don't bother threatening insurance. Just barely respond and get on with being busy with crap that actually matters. If she pushes keep saying in the same tone "ohmygosh" - barely interested, not looking up or eyes glazed. Then, "well, I'd better get back to filing."

I definitely didn't have an upset tone, or anything like that.  I kept working, was neutral, and really didn't even acknowledge her presence.  The more I did that the more agitated she got.

Then you nailed it
She got agitated because you refused to feed her.

[Justme729]

Then you nailed it
She got agitated because you refused to feed her.

Good!   

I seriously can't even sometimes with this group.  I do try to keep things very unemotional when interacting with them and say everything with a smile. 

I replied to the team lead, "Gosh you know I was told the only requirement outside contract hours was x day until 5-5:30.  I made arrangements on the other days."  She said its mandatory and appreciates my flexibility - "I told her I appreciated her flexibility in respecting my commitments outside of job hours. I would join by phone when appropriate."   I can't be in person because I have a life and not willing to risk my second income or commitments to my children. 

[Hazy111]

Justme729 i truly sympathise with your situation.

The thing is you are her narc supply and no doubt others are to. I hear about grey rock and medium chill and whatnot and this can work with family members who arent in the immediate vicinity, but in the working environment this can be really hard.

Now the team lead has scheduled a meeting at a time outside contract hours when she knows I'm not available and said it is required.  We already meet that morning. Why can't we go over it then?


This is  a classic my boss would pull. He would arrange to see someone and then keep them waiting outside his office for hours on end. I saw him do it with a number of people.

The point i was making about the parking spot is that its not really about the parking spot, like the  emails or texts or anything. Tomorrow it could be about x or y or z as you are well aware.   Its about garnering attention creating drama ( narcissistic supply)  and its also about controlling that supply, ie you. This is a constant.  Youll have to everything their way until you have to do it it the opposite way  ( which they wont have told you), then back again . Its all based on their very brittle pysche and mood swings.

Years down the line ,  I and another brilliant work colleague were subject of his smear campaign to have us sacked.  We were subject of jumped up disciplinary procedures. The only real way to deal with all this was eventually was to leave.

Good luck!!!

[Justme729]

Justme729 i truly sympathise with your situation.

The thing is you are her narc supply and no doubt others are to. I hear about grey rock and medium chill and whatnot and this can work with family members who arent in the immediate vicinity, but in the working environment this can be really hard.

Now the team lead has scheduled a meeting at a time outside contract hours when she knows I'm not available and said it is required.  We already meet that morning. Why can't we go over it then?


This is  a classic my boss would pull. He would arrange to see someone and then keep them waiting outside his office for hours on end. I saw him do it with a number of people.

The point i was making about the parking spot is that its not really about the parking spot, like the  emails or texts or anything. Tomorrow it could be about x or y or z as you are well aware.   Its about garnering attention creating drama ( narcissistic supply)  and its also about controlling that supply, ie you. This is a constant.  Youll have to everything their way until you have to do it it the opposite way  ( which they wont have told you), then back again . Its all based on their very brittle pysche and mood swings.

Years down the line ,  I and another brilliant work colleague were subject of his smear campaign to have us sacked.  We were subject of jumped up disciplinary procedures. The only real way to deal with all this was eventually was to leave.

Good luck!!!

And how do you break this cycle if the rest of the business is something that has promise?   I went to the meeting and did what I had to do arrange the schedule- since it was an important meeting.   I didn't want another strike  against me.   So- I had just received a training earlier in the day.   A quick lunch training about this system.   So I'm inputting the data, but I'm not doing it quick enough.  I am missing a category and couldn't figure out how to add it.   They couldn't tell me.   So I was holding up the process.   

It made me miss my old team.  I traded one difficult situation for another.   That one was much easier to deal with than this BS. 

[Hazy111]

Well you have to accept that theyre arent going to change. So its down to what the best is for you. Can you deal with the stress? Is it worth it? Only you can decide that. Medium chill and grey rock etc doesnt really apply to someone youre working with who is determined to get a response/ create a drama.

I really sympathise . I used to dread driving into the car park and seeing his car. I was discussing him once with a work colleague and he said he thought it was an ok place to work compared with where he used to work. He said he used to throw up every Monday morning at the thought of going into work. 

There are so many posts regarding the same subject. PD s in the workplace. 

I remember listening to a radio show phone in and they covered every issue under the sun and the host saying the subject that gets the most calls is always "bullying in the workplace".

I can only wish you good luck.

[Justme729]

That's the thing- admin is to your face one way, then another way behind your back.   So while initially I said "I'm not ok with this behavior."  She encouraged me to continue to stand my ground and (referring to the team) that change is hard for people when they've done that same forever. However, a meeting later was not the case.   Now they're bullying this other lady who is already emotionally fragile due to losing a parent.

I don't feel comfortable being in meetings with them or interacting with them period.  I have no choice but to deal with the situation for now.  Right now the heat is off me and on the other lady.   I do NOT like the situation and I don't agree with the situation.   I just don't know.   I think of a former coworker who was difficult to put it nicely, but we eventually got to know each other and realized why we conflicted so much.   I don't want to get to know these ladies.   At all.

[Justme729]

As I was reflecting more:   I am stuck in the situation for now.   There will always be that "one" person.   No matter where that drives you batty.   Well, I have to have a peer observation.   I do not feel comfortable.   I can't place it.   I don't mind if someone else observes me, but I don't feel like she would be fair in an observation situation due to her dislike for me.   I also don't feel comfortable eating lunch with them, which is a requirement.   I also don't feel comfortable discussing my "clients" in anyway shape or form with them.   They have made some accusations of admin being unfair to them due to a situation I am dealing with.   It's not unfair, they don't know the situation and are passing judgement.   The "client" just needs to be medicated (which isn't any of our decision to make).  I also don't feel comfortable being in meetings with them where they are rolling their eyes, talking down to me, and otherwise treating me with disrespect.   Yeah, I may have gotten defensive a few weeks ago.   I apologized for coming across strongly.   But now they're just being <fill in the blank>.   They said me staying beyond my contract hours two days a week (2 hours each day) isn't a big ask.    That's 4 hours a week- when I am already contracted for 40 hours.  I do have other tasks that exceed my 40 hours- but that's on me.   Do I take my kid to speech, tutoring, extracurricular or spend 4 hours of my life in a situation where I am basically being bullied and harassed