Dealing with the ongoing subtle abuse

Bunnyme1 · October 02, 2021, 07:38:29 PM

It is me...locked out of my account without the 1.
I've been getting really down lately (and am under the care of a therapist and on meds). Part of it is the realization that this is my life now. It is hard. And I am having a hard time letting things that he does go. I call it subtle abuse because, in isolation, anyone would think I'm making too big of a deal of things. I question myself the same way.
Little things like writing "oops, thought I replied to that message," "forgetting" how long visitation is supposed to be. They seem innocuous, but I know the pattern and know that these passive aggressive moves are anything but. It goes on with other things, too, like not paying support, yet promising again and again to pay...but, oh, there was a problem with the paycheck...oh, the deposit got messed up... then he makes a "generous" offer, like paying for daycare directly, knowing I won't accept it. I dont trust he would pay it. He breaks the agreement in any way he can, then makes me look like the bad guy. Amazing how the flying monkeys eat it up.
I keep nearly every communication in writing, except when he talks to me at one of the kids' activities or at pick up. Then, I generally follow with a message if it needs to be documented.
I know i should just roll my eyes and move on, but I cant. Especially with stuff like the support. Last week, he cut the visitation short and i had to scramble to pick up the kids early. Got there, and they were just sitting down to lunch. I dont confront him about things in front of the kids. Even when I write something, I get an insincere apology, and he just keeps doing it. I'm documenting everything.
I've just been getting more depressed that I am going to have to put up with this for years to come. I hate the internal struggle with myself. That he has me doubting whether things are purposeful or I'm just looking for problems. That all of these "little" things arent really abuse.

Poison Ivy · October 02, 2021, 08:23:58 PM

IMO, if a person is violating an agreement or a court order (as your ex is doing), the behavior is worse than abuse (however one defines "abuse"). This behavior is not only stuff that is calculated by your ex to make you feel bad but it is against the law. I don't think you're looking for problems; they exist and your ex is making no attempt to hide them.

Bunnyme1 · October 02, 2021, 08:53:00 PM

At this point it is an agreement. Divorce should have been finalized this summer. I foolishly agreed to push it off so he could stay on my insurance and finish treatment. We will finalize next year.

Poison Ivy · October 02, 2021, 09:00:59 PM

Breaking the agreement repeatedly is bad behavior and seems intended to hurt you. I don't think you're overreacting.

notrightinthehead · October 04, 2021, 10:23:16 AM

I am sure you regret the decision to postpone, considering how he repays you. I hope you learn from that experience. As for your example regarding the change of picking up time - again, something to learn from. Next time maybe you could be firm?
Regarding the financials, if you were to agree to let him pay the school directly you would have witnesses to confirm that he does not pay. Would that help you in any way?

Lauren17 · October 04, 2021, 11:27:50 PM

I believe you!
If your gut is telling you he's doing these things intentionally, then believe it.
My stbxh and his FOO are masters at subtle. I spent years thinking it was all me and I was looking for trouble and doubting if it was really abuse.
I don't know what defines abuse, but I do know "death by 1000 paper cuts" is a painful way to live.
Yes, it hurts. I understand.

Bunnyme1 · October 07, 2021, 08:43:46 AM

Now it is just annoying. He hasnt paid support, which is supposed to be paid electronically. He now wants to drop off a check at my house. I said to send it electronically, but he has excuses as to why he cant. End of the day, he needs to support his kids and is behind, so I dont feel like I should refuse the check. However, it is subtle things like this...he pushes the envelope any way he can and makes me look crazy. Why do I care so much how he pays? I am choosing battles, but it is the giving an inch taking a mile thing. He is mad that he has to pay, so he will do it only in a way that gets him something he wants (coming to the house). Trying to just let all of these little things go, not letting him see how they bother me. It is a tough line to walk...standing by my boundaries and being too controlling.

Simon · October 07, 2021, 01:08:44 PM

If you don't want him coming to the house, can't you just tell him that, and if he's not going to send it electronically (and I'd challenge him on any reasons he says he can't first), then he will have to send the cheque in the mail.

If he refuses to do that, then just tell him that you will have to report him for not paying, because bringing it to the house is not acceptable.
And document the whole back and forth.

You don't have to allow him to visit your house if you don't want to, and I'm pretty sure that anyone in authority would see it that way.
And it would send him a strong message that your boundaries are solid and in place, and are not up for negotiation or game-playing.

If you allow him to tear down one boundary, then he'll see them all as fair game.

I know it's easy for me to say, but if he's been ordered to pay by law, wouldn't it be best to report him each time he doesn't pay or pays late, and let them chase him.
They won't stand for any of his games.

Lauren17 · October 07, 2021, 04:30:23 PM

Bunnyme1 · October 07, 2021, 10:32:22 PM

And tonight, he showed up, uninvited, to bring the check. If I hadn't been expecting my neighbor, I wouldnt have opened the door. He asked to see the kids, and they were right there, so I didnt know what to do or how to say no without making it awful for them. I let them say hi at the door and they invited him in.

I'm writing, deleting, editing, redrafting a message through the parenting app. Having a hard time wording it. I know it will set him off no matter what, but I cant pay my attorney to constantly be the go between.
Like a please do not show up to the house again and make payments as we agreed.

Rose1 · October 08, 2021, 08:43:44 AM

Please stick to our agreement and court orders. Child support of --- is due on --- by electronic payment. If you have difficulty your bank can set it up. I do not accept cheques. The child support agency (whoever they are) can also deduct the money and forward if this makes it easier.

Child visitation is as per court order and I will be sticking to the orders.

Please do not ask for anything outside this as refusal may offend (this last sentence is not biff - brief, informative, friendly or firm).

My exbpdh felt it was his job to dodge paying and i went through Child support agency. He did not like supervision because no one tells him how much to pay. He managed to dodge most of it but he has a record of that now. He would have anyway. But I did get some money he wasn't expecting me to get because it was on record.

Cheques are far too easy to mess with and cost you more money in fees.

hhaw · November 05, 2021, 12:55:04 PM

Bunny:

Breathe.....very deeply....10x....filling lungs from bottom to top, like a vase.

Practice being super kind to yourself....tsunamis of self compassion are called for and good and right.

Accept your stbx IS what he is. He won't change. You can change your response to him, only.

Right now your Nervous System is reacting to him .....and it's expensive to your emotional and physical health, ime

Accept, expect the stupid things will happen till you figure out how to counter and mitigate his crazy.

If you calm your Nervous System, you restore access to higher brain function logic, creativity and problem solving skills, ime. THIS will help you stay level while dealing with the expected PD behaviors, ime.

You're worrying and reacting now.

Doing what you can, putting the PD story on the shelf and seeking your joy is a helpful coping strategy.....better than worry worry worry, ime.

Associate of Daniel · November 05, 2021, 03:30:41 PM

Bunnyme1, does your country/state have a child support agency?

If so, I strongly advise you set payments up through them. They can take payments out of his wages if he is uncooperative. They do all the communication for you. If your ex wants to talk to you about it, you could just refer him to them.

Regarding him showing up at your house, I'd put something in writing to him, requesting he stay away. Then if (when) he shows up again, I think a solicitor can send him a quick Cease and Desist letter.

Perhaps ask your local police what you could do about him turning up. They might have some suggestions.

You need to protect your mental and physical health. Not just for you, but for your kids.

For those of us who have pds in our lives, that often means setting boundries that we don't need to set for anyone else in our lives. And we feel mean/rude/wrong for doing it.

But the less interaction we have with the pds the healthier we'll be, and the better off our kids will be.

AOD

penguindectomy · November 14, 2021, 09:18:21 PM

This all sounds very familiar. My ex-husband does the same sorts of things. I've set boundaries and I make a point of sticking to them. Sometimes I forget, and give an inch. Then he takes a mile. I keep track of every missed payment, in the hope that he will have to pay me back when I take him to court. To exert control over me, he was making a point of NOT paying his child support until I emailed to ask him to. I have gone no contact for the most part, because he was calling me/texting me/showing up at my house unannounced every day. He can only contact me by email, and I have his emails sent directly to a file so I don't see them every time I open my email account.

He too is manipulative around his visitation times with our sons. I explained to our sons that if it is not written on the schedule, then it has not been discussed between their father and me, and so it is not happening. My ex-husband was being extremely manipulative of our older son, using him to make plans without consulting me. So now I print out the schedule and send one to their dad, and I post one on the fridge to prevent my ex-husband from being able to manipulate our son. I've told him he needs to give me 2 weeks' notice for any changes to the schedule, but he continues to email me at the last minute about changes he wants to make (we don't have a legal custody or visitation agreement yet, but we've been separated for 2 years now). If he doesn't give me 2 weeks' notice, I don't allow the change.

penguindectomy · November 14, 2021, 09:29:44 PM

I don't know if this would work for you, but my ex-husband kept showing up at my house as well, causing me panic attacks. His intention was to exert control over me and to intimidate and frighten me. He also knew that his appearance outside the door would set off our dogs barking at him. I covered all the windows so he could not look in the house. If I couldn't see him, he couldn't intimidate me. I moved my furniture so that the dogs could no longer see out the front of the house. That prevented him from being able to scare me by getting the dogs to bark at him. Amazingly this worked. Immediately.

Oh, and before that I had to discuss with my sons that my ex-husband was not allowed in the house. He had been manipulating them to gain entry. He would loiter at my house while I was at work, and steal groceries and other items.

Gettintired76 · November 25, 2021, 03:34:49 AM

My ex has taken visitations away from, still texts me baiting and I've notice that more mc I am the madder and mean she gets, she has shown up at my house unannounced more then once, to "have a conversation, on Halloween she came inside with her sister while her sister used the bathroom she erased a phone I had sitting on the dining room table.