Gifts and uPDSis

[Breakthrough]

So I send my sister's kids, my nephews, Birthday and Christmas cards and some cash as a gifts (which is what they say they prefer, because that's how they get spending money, my sister and her husband are wealthy, but they are very stingy, even to their kids, uPDSis used to be very generous, but her husband is a terrible influence on her, and what was her best, most redeeming quality has become very dulled).  Sis decided she wants to send gifts to my kids too.  I send the cards with my mom and dad, because they are back and forth between where I live and living with my sis.  I have been NC with my sister since January, when I blocked her on my phone for numerous boundary violations which interfered with me doing my job (lithe first time she sent me 46 txts after I told her our convo was over and I was at work, pls do not txt me again, this time, she was texting me nasty upsetting messages while I was busy at work, my job is extremely intense and I cannot have my focus diverted by stuff like this, it costs me literal hours in terms of efficiency, which then eats into my time with my kids, as well as my time to do basic things like eat and shower).  This is not the first time she has done this.  The last time, I blocked her for quite a few months and she asked, through my other sisters to be unblocked.  I did so, and it was mostly fine for several years.  The reason she asked to be unblocked is that I think she was missing her punching bag (me).

Back to her wanting to send gifts.  I sent her a wish list item through my parents and siblings.  She was fine with that for my kid's recent birthday.  For Christmas, she decided to force contact and yelled at both my mom amd other sister, who then yelled at me, about how I should just tell her directly.  At first I thought ok, I will email her.  Then I realized, no, not falling for that.  I haven't blocked her on email, but after I blocked her on my phone, she sent me 10 very nasty emails that had me in tears and unable to sleep for a few days.  I didn't see them until I was done a very intense weekend of work where I slept a total of 6 hours.  She even sent me screenshots via iPhoto albums because she needed me to see her texts.  I ignored those because that happened while I was working.  I never accepted the shared photo, because why?  It would just be a bunch of nasty hurtful insults hurled at me.  She somehow hasn't yet figured that none of this is normal or acceptable.  My parents unfortunately side with her, because they are used to me sucking up her abuse to keep the peace in the family.  My siblings all live in a different country from me, so I haven't seen them in 2 years.  My mom and dad I have seen.  My dad was abusive to uPD sis and me growing up, my sister had it much worse, he improved as he aged, but he has become very mean the last few years according to my mom.  He still says hurtful things aimed at making me feel very small.  I can't block him because I don't want to block my mom. 

Getting back to the gifts.  I told my other sister that it was fine, if she refused a message then she didn't have to get gifts for my kids.  She instead decided to get them what she wanted, and then send me an email gift receipt.  I didn't go pick up the gifts because I assumed they would ship.  Today I realized it's been a while, so I called the store and asked and they said it was probably a pick up order that they then cancelled and would have refunded her.  So now I feel stressed that she felt this was intentional (mostly because my dad sent me a nasty txt around the time the refund probably would have been).  I told my husband and then hummed and hawed about emailing her to tell her that I didn't know it was a pick up because she didn't tell me.  I ignored that instinct to try and fix things because I am so tired of always being blamed for stuff.  I talked with my husband and he agreed I should just not bother emailing her and just leave it as is.

My other sister and mom said they don't want to be in the middle.  I told them I understand that, but they were yelling at me, which kind of puts them in the middle.  As usual, I feel they take her side because she is more difficult and expect me to just suck it up, and take the abuse for the family's sake.  I just can't do it anymore.  It's so triggering to be in any contact with her.  She is so disrespectful of me as a basic human being and the rest of my family either turning a blind eye or saying, good, you deserve bad treatment (in the case of my dad, and sometimes my mom), if just getting old.  I am in my mid 40s, enough is enough.  I would just rather not have contact with her.  This will pose problems for me later, as I do still want to have contact with my nephews.  My PD sis is also the boss in terms of getting together and generally we go to her house because she gives us no other option for the holidays.  Right now with travel restrictions we can't go.  I think she is missing her punching bag.  She has always relied on the rest of her family to help with her kids, and never lifted a finger to help with mine when I had them.  She even had the gall to ask me to babysit her kids when I had my first child, a 3 mo old and we were travelling and staying in a hotel, while I was at a work conference.  Um, what?  She basically sees me as someone she can use and abuse and I am just not having it anymore.  It was very difficult to get here, my big family has always been a huge part of my identity.  Being a mom has really pushed me to stop putting up with abuse and to put up strong boundaries.  I have a uNMIL too, so yeah, both sides of the family are difficult at times.  My MIL was good practice I guess for dealing with these family challenges. 

I guess I just felt badly because it was an unintentional slight to my PDsis but even if it wasn't she would find some way to pick a fight with me, that is her way.  She does it every year, right before Christmas so she has an excuse to uninvite me to her house, and make me feel like a terrible mom for ruining family Christmas.  And leave me agonizing over what to tell my kids because I don't believe in involving them in adult disputes.  They know about this one now, thanks to my parents bringing it up in front of them.     This year we are hosting my in laws since they live in the same country.  I am already prepared to lock myself in my room with some knitting and music.  I am looking forward to the time too, but my MIL and FIL are a bit much. 

I guess all this to say, it feels good to disentangle myself from some of this toxicity.  I am sure I will get sucked back in at some point, but hopefully by then, I will be much better at strong boundaries.  And I think my family knows, if we attend Christmas again, it will have to be somewhere other than my sister's house, since I don't feel welcome there.  She has said nasty things about my children too, that's when I say ok, I am done.  I think this time it feels different.  I don't care as much about my dad's childish tantrums and outbursts at me, I only slept poorly 2 nights.  I feel badly for accidentally slightly my PDsis, but she has done way worse to me, so it is what it is.

My family has always said I am too sensitive.  I am very sensitive, but I also realize they are almost all boundary stompers.  The more I think about it, the more I just would rather not be around them.  My younger sister is the exception.  Even my younger brother, while growing up, blamed me for getting a fine because he ran a stop sign and also forgot his license and insurance at home.  It was my fault because I missed his call to bring him his license.  I never realized how truly toxic my family is.  My brother was very spoiled, and he remains unmarried, approaching 40.  He wants to get married, but I guess has never initiated anything, not sure he's ever dated anyone.  That in itself doesn't make him toxic, but he did have some toxic behaviours to me growing up.  My dad blamed me for a lot and had a very bad temper.  I never felt any peace in that house except when I was alone.  My mom would also blame me for things.  I had a strong sense of fairness and this always stung.  My PDsis stood up for me on a few occasions, but often the conflicts were between us, and my parents would never intervene.  She was 5 years older, and a lot stronger and bigger than me for many years.  It was not right they did nothing. 

When I did live by myself, I felt depressed and lonely and then I finally got 2 cats, that I love and have been my sweet companions for 14 years.  My relationship with my husband has improved but we definitely both have some codependency issues from the toxic FOOs.  It's better now.  My biggest goal is to stay healthy for my kids, and being around all my toxic extended family and my husband's is very trying at times.  I guess it's a blessing in disguise none of them live very close.

For years I felt like what's wrong with me?  Why I am so bad?  Why does nobody like me, even in my family?  It was an awful way to feel as a tween/teen, and I contemplated suicide more than once (and almost made an attempt one night, it would probably have been successful, I don't think anyone would have found me in time).  I never want to feel that way again, but there are triggering events, mostly with my PDsis that make me feel that way all over.  I just can't go back there, for my own sake, but for my kids, I need to stay healthy and having some physical health problems is already taxing enough without adding the mental stress of having such a toxic person in my life. 

So getting all that out was therapeutic, I think not contacting her was the right decision, she should have told me I needed to pick up, and not assume I knew what her email receipt meant.  I will probably have to have an argument with my dad over this when he comes back.  He will take any chance to criticize or pick at me, and it's getting worse recently.  I don't understand why he's like this, but he's also 79, I don't want to cut off contact with him, I would regret not being there in the ways he expects in his old age.  Even though he's ungrateful and nasty about it at times, I know I need to do these things or it would be more stressful for my mom.  I adore my mom, she did the best she could, and she still does.  I don't like that my PDsis expect so much from her, it's too much at her age.  My PDsis uses her and my dad as her support people.  She in turn pays for certain things for them.  My mom recently mentioned something about me being the one to take care of her when she needs care (I think even she knows my PDsis just doesn't have that in her).  I just hope that my dad stays independent for a long time, I am not sure I can take his nastiness and live in the same household again.  I would be tempted to put him in a home and the rest of my family would never forgive that.  So much to consider with aging parents.  Hopefully they'll remain independent for a very long time, and I can help them from a separate household, I think that's healthier for me.

[Starboard Song]

I guess all this to say, it feels good to disentangle myself from some of this toxicity.  I am sure I will get sucked back in at some point, but hopefully by then, I will be much better at strong boundaries.

It is so hard to extract ourselves. The very patterns we are seeking to avoid train out of us the skills we need to end them. Boundary setting is so hard. Harder still to establish boundaries that are calm, and inspire happiness in your own heart. It takes a great deal of confidence in ourselves, and a willingness to let others do and think as they wish -- on their own time and in their own place.

If you think you need them, the books in the first line of my signature are the ones my wife found most valuable in self care.

Good luck on your journey!

[Breakthrough]

Thank you Starboard Song.  The support and resources from this forum and the member have been my lifeline, first when dealing with my uNMIL and now with dealing with my uPDsis.  I definitely agree it has been a journey for me.  The biggest thing is wanting to show my girls healthy relationships and boundaries.  I worry for my eldest about that.  I need to put those books on my to read list, it's getting very long.

[LemonLime]

Hi BT,
Although our stories differ in some ways, there are some commonalities.
I have an uNPD sib, who is several years older.  She has always blamed others for her problems and even though seems to have a very fortunate life she does not seem to think she is fortunate.  All people are out to get her!
She also uses my parents, although I do believe she loves them very much.   But I think she believes that since she helps them with household projects and gives them thoughtful gifts and makes sure to detail their car after she borrows it for a roadtrip, they owe it to her to hear her long long tales of woe and victimhood.
I think she believes that since she has given me nice gifts (oh, and protected me from a bully when I was 3 and she was 6 and that I don't even remember), I owe it to her to also listen to any tale of woe and be totally supportive.  As in over-the-top supportive.  And I need to agree with her on everything.

It seems to be perhaps the "transactional" part of their personality.   They give gifts, we have to tolerate abuse.  They protected us once when we were young, we need to give them whatever they want and to like doing it.  And to shower them with praise and to, most importantly, never set a boundary.

It's weird.  And gross. And scary.
My sib has also come after my kids, criticizing their behavior and my mothering.  She knows that's a trigger with me.  I'm always afraid I'm a bad mom, so she zeros in on that when she wants to hurt me (hurting me translates to controlling me).    It's all about control with her.  I finally realized that.  I don't think she "gets" why she feels so awful and acts so terribly.

Can't wait for gift-giving season to be over.  It's awkward at best.

We are essentially VLC.  And it feels good.  Sad, but good.
I wish you strength and love.  This is a difficult road.  Doing the right thing when nobody else is, is difficult.  Keep going.

[WinterStar]

Breakthrough,

You cover a lot of ground in this post, and I'm glad that you are getting it all out there. I know that's been hugely helpful for me, so you're taking a healthy step just by being here and working through things. I see a lot of insight and resilience in your post. I think you're absolutely doing the right thing when it comes to not contacting your sister about the order.

Really, the whole thing sounds like a set up. Like, I've never even once in my life had someone else place an order for me to pick up. As a mom, I've gotten gifts that were unwrapped from my MIL who *hates wrapping*, so she sends a ton of things (more than my husband and I get the kids), and then expects me to wrap them all. She's retired. I have four kids, a job, etc. Still, sending unwrapped gifts is pretty standard. And I've had gifts for my kids that required assembly or were an art project they needed help completing, but that's also normal. To this day, no one has ever given my kids a gift and an errand. I've never had to go pick up the gift. It's weird. And kinda rude. I mean, she could have done what the rest of us do: pay the nominal shipping fee or search around for a coupon code for free shipping. The unusual nature of the pickup situation would behoove the giver to *notify* the recipient. But your sister didn't do that, and I can tell that you already sense the drama storm that's headed your way. I can sense your panic when you discovered that the gift was supposed to be picked up, and you didn't do that. Your family will say you should have read the email more carefully and been more perfect. You are not allowed to make mistakes. You have to make sure to get her kids gifts that are tailored well to them, send them on time and be thoughtful. Your sister is allowed to get whatever for your kids, require you to pick it up without telling you and just stand back and watch the drama unfold. This was her bid at picking a fight with you this Christmas, just like she does every year.

The tough part for you now is allowing your sister's drama storm to just "be." Just like you don't have to send a "fix it" email to your sister, you don't have to respond to your other family members enveloped in you sister's drama storm either. You don't owe them an explanation of what happened. You don't have to justify your behavior. You do not have to engage with your dad on this topic. You can just say, "Hey dad, I'll handle things with sister, thanks" and "That's between us, and I don't want to talk about it anymore." If they find you "at fault" in this situation, so be it. Really, they're going to do that anyway, so I wouldn't even bother explaining how it was a mistake.

Also, I see a lot of triangulation happening in your family situation. It happens all the time in my family too. Mom calls me to complain about dad They've been divorced for 20 years and have not contact, but she still tries to complain about him to me. She complains about my brother. My brother complains about my mom. And I used to have a role too where I would complain about mom to brother and brother to mom. Things are never really resolved nor dealt with directly. My mom will complain about me to my brother, and my brother will call me to get me to do what she wants, which is exactly what she wanted him to do (though if I tried to say that to her, she would be appalled because she never *asked* him to contact me and never meant for that to happen). I don't triangulation anymore. I don't complain to them about each other. Mom complains about brother, and I say, "That sounds like something between the two of you." Brother calls to tell me to do something mom complained to him about, I say, "Mom and I will handle that, thanks."

If you don't want contact with your sister, don't have contact with her. You don't have to send her gift suggestions for your kids or pick up gifts she wants you to pick up. Be done. Really, it's past time for that.

[Breakthrough]

Lemon Lime, yes I agree it is sort of transactional for them, except my BIL is a taker, he takes all our help but gives nothing in return except a begrudging place to stay when we visit them, he doesn't even want to pay for groceries in his own house when we are there and they are the wealthiest of our siblings.  I just find that incredibly stingy.  My sister was never that way until she married him.  I just find that really, really wrong, and they are also teaching their kids to value money too much IMO by being so stingy.  My daughters are very generous, but I think it's because they learn by example.  My sister used to be very generous, but it really shifted when she married BIL.  I think my uPDsis is just very unhappy as well, and she takes comfort in making me miserable too.  I just want to be away from her.  I would say I am mostly happy, and have a happy marriage and family life.  We have our own issues, but my husband and I are mostly very considerate of each other and enjoy each other's company.  Not sure my sister likes doing much with her husband except gossiping about her own family with him.  She really likes to talk negatively about us, from what I can tell.  Eventually I think I will be VLC with her because of my mom.  Right now, I have no need to be in contact with her.  I can't travel anyways, with my country again tightening restrictions.  I really don't care much, my family carries on without me, and I don't mind that at all.  It used to really bother me, but I honestly don't have the energy to spare to deal with my abusive sis anymore.  I have VLC with my parents when they are there too, as they try and make us talk over video and I am not comfortable with that.  I have to think of strategies to open up VLC with her, but I would prefer NC because she has been abusive over txt, email, and even tried to use shared photo albums to get her abusive messages across to me.  I am not sure she will ever learn boundaries or grown out of this behaviour.  I don't think she is capable of it, she's almost 50, and it's still going strong.

Winter star, yes to the triangulation.  I even thought, should I bother telling her this or that about gifts, but I was trying to be considerate without opening up contact again.  I have spend so much time in my life worrying about how she'll react or being upset trying to process her abusive.  I just can't do it anymore.  If my family doesn't understand that, I feel like limiting contact with them is best too.  I want to keep contact with my other 2 sisters and brother, but I needed a break from them too because they are all enmeshed in my PDsis's and my probably PD dad's drama and are peace keeps like myself, which is easier when you aren't alway the target of PDsis's rage.  Both sisters have given me examples of PDsis raging at them too.  She is much less abusive to them (and it happens much less often, PDsis talks to almost exclusively with a tone that drips contempt), and may be they are fine with her behaviour, but I am not.  Older of the nonPD sis's told me, if you want a relationship with her you just have to be ok with that.  Bingo, I don't want a relationship with her because I am not ok with that.  I am also done with being scapegoated by everyone in my family.  She is the one who behaves so badly and yet somehow, I end up being the bad guy by not forgiving and forgetting (she has never apologized for any of her recent bad behaviours, so my family expected me to sweep it all under the rug, but my rug just got to be covering a mountain and is now so thread bare it won't contain the garbage anymore, I need to throw it out).  She will never change or apologize, and I am ok with that, I just don't want to deal with her anymore.  We'll see how things go next year but I am working the holidays next year so we won't go anywhere then either.  And I don't expect things to open up unless we get a major change in government which is unlikely to happen for quite a while. 

As for picking up gifts, I did actually ask my siblings to choose that option if they could bc shipping is very delayed here right now because of road closures due to major flooding. I don't know if that message got to my sister.  We also always wrap each other's gifts, so this part was not unusual, just the fact that she forwarded me a message with no info about pick up was not helpful, I assumed she had it shipped.  Either way, I am sure she found some way to villanize me to  my dad and he send me his txt which was not nice.  My other older sis keeps sending me bible verses, which makes me think she is judging me for not wanting contact.  This is not about a grudge.  It's about my own survival and doing what is best for my own mental health so I can take care of my family.  I don't think they understand this.  Our family is very enmeshed. 

[Breakthrough]

And all that stress for nothing, the store had it wrong, it was an online order and just made it yesterday and was probably delayed  .  Oh well.  My dad's random comment was just him being his grumpy self.  I feel like I wasted a lot of time agonizing over nothing  .  That being said, still a good chance to process my feelings over this.  It was helpful.