DH, C-19, and he wanted to die because of our marriage

[Dinah-sore]

Hi everyone, I have some confusion and I need to get some outside perspective. The confusion is swirling in my brain and causing panic attacks. So quick update, nothing has really changed since I last posted. DH has not raged too bad since the last outburst, and we did talk about it. But my hopes are low. Two weeks ago, he had a rage outburst where he screamed at the kids in a scary way, but from another room. And that was the end of the incident. But it shows me that the rage is still in him. So I have not been able to go back to how it was before the big rage he did in May. I am nice to him, pretty medium chill, but pleasant. But I am not doting, loving, or trying to emotionally connect. No sex. I can't, but the kids have been so sick there would not have been opportunity either. Basically, I feel fear around him quite a lot, but I pretend I am ok. To be completely honest, thinking about being in a closer marriage with him makes me feel kind of sick. I think some dark thoughts sometimes about this, and then I try to tell myself that if I feel that bad, I should just get out when I can. So I have no idea. I am in a waiting pattern, and just trying to focus on our kids and ignore the rest.

But this is where I have some confusion. He said something to me last night that really sent my mind spinning. We had C-19 this summer. We were talking about his time in the hospital last night. I had asked if when he was in the hospital, if he was afraid he would die. And he said, "Did I tell you I needed to apologize to God?" I said no. He said, "Yeah, I had to apologize to God because the first night I was in the hospital I thought I would die, and I said to him to just kill me." And then he started listing to me all the reasons he wanted to just die. All the reasons he listed had to do with ME not making him happy enough, and our marriage being difficult. I didn't know what to say. But last night he told me that I am the reason he wanted to die. And that he had to apologize to God, but not for hurting me, just for me making him so miserable that he wants to die.

A little background. I am safe when it comes to c-19. I wear my mask, I follow the recommendations, social distance, I am not around people. My husband on the other hand is the one who refuses to wear a mask, goes to events with a ton of people who don't wear masks, and then brags about it. "I am not afraid. I don't need a mask. I trust God." Well, I don't even say this to him, but he got us sick because of his careless behavior, that he brags about. I don't judge people for their choices. I am just saying that DH's choices DID not just affect him, but they strongly affected me (and also our kids). Because when he got sick, with the big C, he got really sick. To the point of needing me to take care of him; he would cough all over me and not cover his mouth. We both had it, but the first week he was pretty ok. Everything fell to me. I had to do so much. I don't want to list it, but we have sick kids who also got it, and I had to take care of him and them and all of his chores and all of mine, and my fever was spiking to 105, and I was soooooo sick. So he got really good caretaking and I couldn't even sit down to rest. Then I found out, that he was telling people that I was not sick. So when people found out that I was sick, they would say to me, "Oh, your DH told me you were not sick." WHAT?????? What the heck? I tested negative the day he tested positive, but only because I tested early and I got it from him, but I retested as positive a few days later. He never told anyone that I was sick too. At the time I was upset, thinking he wanted to hog all the attention. But why can't people pray for me too? He was worse, and after a week he had to spend a few days in the hospital, and thankfully he was ok, but I was so sick too. And I had to WORK so hard taking care of everyone, with a 105 fever and everything else that goes with this ugly virus. So in my head I have had to deal  with a little bit of resentment. 1) he brags about not wearing a mask 2) He gets sick, but then doesn't quarantine here, but gives it to me and the kids 3) he wants me to take care of him and do everything, and I do. With love and all I had to give. 4) he sees that I am really sick, ignores it, and tells people I am not sick so they are only praying for him. 5) Never thanks me or gives me any acknowledgement, never checks on me 6) Then tells me that he wished he would have died, because he is so unhappy with our marriage.

I don't know what to do. I can't even put into words the way I feel about our marriage. I can't even type out let alone tell him about my thoughts about death and our marriage. Why would he say that to me? I could never say that to him, and if I did it would be true, and it would be for a good reason---BECAUSE HE SCARES ME. I don't behave in ways that scare him. I don't try to hurt his feelings. I don't try to make him feel bad. I don't even tell him the truth. So he is mad because HIS ACTIONS made me afraid of him? and he thinks that isn't fair? I am so confused. What does he think I owe him?

Is it possible he said that TO MAKE me feel bad for him, and to manipulate me to giving him more affection? So he won't "want to die"? I just don't think he even gets how he makes me feel. Like I am so confused. He is the victim? He is the one to feel sorry for? Do my feelings, that at this point, feel like fight or flight responses not even matter?

I didn't know what to say to him about that so I didn't say anything and I just turned the TV on. What do you say to that? If I felt like I had done something to hurt him, I would have apologized. But that isn't it. I am just not admiring him enough. But I am so nice to him. I just don't trust him and I am afraid of him exploding.

Why? I don't understand this? Also, for reference, we had several people that we know and love die that same week of C-19, so it also feels a little cruel that he would make a comment like that knowing that other people who were good and kind and young and with hopeful futures didn't make it. It just felt so mean. Why do I not feel my heart turn towards him when he said that? It felt mean, like painful.

[Dinah-sore]

Please forgive me if I sound like I didn't care about him when he was sick. It wasn't like that. He wasn't that bad until about a week, and then I was the one who was checking his oxygen every 45 minutes around the clock and got him the medical help he needed. I was worried about him. I wasn't like, "Get up and work!" at all. Sorry if it came off like I am upset because I had to do all the work. That is more of a symptom of other things I am observing for years about his general disregard for our wellbeing and his focus on himself. Which of course continued when he was feeling ill. He was well taken care of, without snark. I just didn't know if the way I wrote it seemed like I am selfish, demanding, and overly critical.

[Poison Ivy]

"Is it possible he said that TO MAKE me feel bad for him, and to manipulate me to giving him more affection? So he won't "want to die"?" Yes.

A little cruel? He's being a lotta cruel.

You do not seem selfish, demanding, or overly critical.

[SunnyMeadow]

Don't worry, you don't sound overly critical or demanding at all.

Is it possible he wants out of the marriage and is doing this to get the ball rolling? If my dh said to me that I am the reason he wanted to die, I'd have to end the relationship.

I wouldn't live with a man who scares me either. That's not good for you or the kids. You all deserve a calm and loving home. Sound like you're just existing there between his rages, waiting for another one.

It just felt so mean. Why do I not feel my heart turn towards him when he said that? It felt mean, like painful.

I think this didn't make your heart turn towards him because he intended it to be mean. He didn't say anything in a manner that says "Hey Dinah, can we talk about us so we can work on this together?" He attacked you in a deeply hurtful way. That's not what a caring husband does to try to improve his marriage.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Well if it's that bad for him maybe it's time you both stop fooling yourselves. You can never make him happy, maybe it would be better for him to stop trying and let each other go.

That's dripping with bitter irony. I'm struggling to write something that won't just get me banned here. Numbers 1-6 say it all. It's painfully obvious he's ruined your marriage, and he can't accept responsibility whatsoever. Raging, guilt-tripping, complete disregard for his family's well-being on every level, withholding even other people's PRAYERS by his lies about you... apologize to God (and YOU) for THAT. But feeling bad for being unable to control you enough is I suspect the only bit of honesty he's showing here. I think your response of turning on the TV is about right in the moment. No good engaging with that BS. It's the same old story. Take care of you and your children, however you possibly can. He's shown himself to be abusive through and through, over and over again.

[blacksheep7]

Quote: Why do I not feel my heart turn towards him when he said that? It felt mean, like painful.[/i]

Sorry to say, he has been mean and caused you pain many times.  Does not seem to take your worries seriously.  He must have some good qualities if you married him  but your marriage is not healthy  if you live in fear of him.  I know that.  He is neglectful when it comes to the  Covid measures of protection,  you are not.  He is lacking respect for you and your kids causing everyone to be sick.

In all your posts you have been mentioning doing all the work Dinah.

I'm so sorry. 

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Wow he is very manipulative and I feel bad that you are here saying that YOU feel bad for making it sound like you don't care when he is sick.

Nobody deserves what you have been through and what he has made you believe. You sound like such a lovely person. I can feel your empathy through the screen, really. You seem like the type of person that does everything for everyone else and puts themselves last. Your DH on the other hand, sounds like a spoilt child. Which, I feel, is pretty typical for PD's, but saying that you prayed to die because of your wife, when clearly, you are an incredible wife is disgusting behavior. He is manipulating and guilt tripping you.

I can't tell you to leave. Only you can make that decision. What I can tell you is that as someone not involved in your marriage, from the outside, it seems like you would be much better off without him. I understand that marriage should be forever - I felt the same way for a long time, but now I feel like you. I can't even stand to look at my husband. Being in his presence makes me feel physically ill honestly. There's nothing to repair or save when resentment builds like that.

Consider the pros. If you do leave, you're showing your children what real boundaries and respect look like. You'd be showing them that their mom is someone who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. You'd also be showing them what being strong looks like. These are important lessons for kids. I am sure they are also not happy in the situation.

I am so sorry for your troubles and I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do.

[Starboard Song]

Basically, I feel fear around him quite a lot, but I pretend I am ok. To be completely honest, thinking about being in a closer marriage with him makes me feel kind of sick. I think some dark thoughts sometimes about this, and then I try to tell myself that if I feel that bad, I should just get out when I can. So I have no idea. I am in a waiting pattern, and just trying to focus on our kids and ignore the rest.

What do you say to that? If I felt like I had done something to hurt him, I would have apologized. But that isn't it. I am just not admiring him enough. But I am so nice to him. I just don't trust him and I am afraid of him exploding.

Like everyone else, I am so sorry. We all deserve better love than this. And I am so out of my league, trying to formulate a response. I simply haven't faced such a terrible challenge. And you face it with children. You certainly seek to protect them, and they complicate your fight or flight decisions. I see how that can leave you in a holding pattern.

While there, unfortunately, he is swimming in his own stew of despair, and will likely lash out to explain his suffering by blaming others. So I encourage you to get honest about that waiting pattern: how long might it last and what comes next. Because you need a decent environment in which to circle this plane. That may mean actively managing his emotional state and responses. A counselor may be able to propose some forms of engagement that he will interpret positively, as loving, but that are also not distasteful to you.

I wish you so much good strength.

[Gettintired76]

I'm really not sure exactly what to say here, I mean I am so sorry he said those things to you, that was just beyond low, and you do sound like a really good person, it sounds like  my relationship  on so many levels, like they really do have a playbook and group meetings to make sure they get everything right. My now ex has also told me "my behavior" has made her want to die, my being worthless to her , not cleaning, paying bills etc. in essence made her cheat....again. All my fault. I swore this time it would hurt me that I didn't care, be damned if I'm not dying inside, mainly about having to leave my kids. I have bent over backwards for her for 15 yrs, sacrificing my health, thousands of $$$ in possessions, doing all the cleaning, cooking, child rearing, and also trying to hold down a job 7 days a week at times. To have her tell me today she didn't want me anymore because basically I was useless. She has blasted every love song I ever played her... for her new beau with me still here taking care of the children. Sorry Dinah so sorry I didn't mean to make this all about me you have your own problems, I wish you the best I really do.

[SunnyMeadow]

Just checking in with you Dinah-sore. I hope things have improved and you are seeing what path you're going to take. I've been thinking of you since you posted.

[Starboard Song]

Sorry Dinah so sorry I didn't mean to make this all about me you have your own problems, I wish you the best I really do.

There are times when that sort of post could be a hijack. Not this time. We all need nothing more, sometimes, than to see that we really are not alone.