Highs and lows - an update

CagedBirdSinging · November 04, 2021, 03:31:25 PM

It's almost a year since I left, and I just wanted to check in. It's been a real rollercoaster so far, with pdH relentlessly trying to get me back, using every trick in the book. At one point during the summer he basically moved himself into my house (long story) and it took about a month to get him to leave. He has now moved out of our old house and is renting a trailer nearby. It's so small and filthy that it's not suitable for visitation. This is being used against me non-stop, pdH moaning about how he has been forced to live in such horrible conditions. Because of the set up, it means visitation still has to happen at my house.

I try to stay put of his way when he is here visiting the kids. I go upstairs and sort laundry, keep busy. But he still uses his visitation time to get at me- moaning, ramping up the medical drama, limping, coughing, sputtering, crying about one thing or another. I try my best to be calm, supportive and caring without buying into any of it. He swings from crying about how he wants to save our marriage, to threatening me that he is going to start dating other people. He moans about how he doesn't want to be with anyone else, then threatens that he's going to start having sex with other women if I don't comply with him. He says other women are more passionate than me, nicer than me etc. When he says this stuff, my confidence is in shreds. I am sick of pdH invading my home, only to insult, gaslight and taunt me. But I'm staying GR and MC to avoid going to court, where anything could happen custody-wise. I just take everything on the chin, bottle everything up and pretend all is okay. I can't afford a therapist.

At times I think it would be less hassle just to take him back, just to make the noise stop. He has been nice lately and it makes me think maybe I'm the one with the problem, maybe if I went back it wouldn't be too bad. But marriage is not meant to be an act of endurance!!

I love it when he leaves.
Sometimes I turn my favourite song up loud and dance around the kitchen.
The kids are doing well. I laugh with them. I'm present with them (when pdH is not here). We have taken a few trips, just me and kiddies, and they have been the best fun I've had in years.
Creatively and career wise, I am flourishing in ways I haven't for years.
My sense of humour is slowly returning
I'm dressing better, taking better care of myself, getting better sleep.
Sleep- amazing!! I am able to get the sleep I need, without being made to feel guilty if I need an early night. I can sleep undisturbed. It is bliss.
I've made a few new friends- this will take time as I'm a classic infj but I'm trying to reach out more.

Something that has surprised me. I am actually quite lonely, and I would like to experience romantic love again some day, when the time is right. This has surprised me. I thought I'd never want to date again. But I guess that part of me is not totally broken, which is actually quite hopeful.

So there you go, a bit of a mixed bag of an update but I wanted to send love to everyone on here who has been so supportive of my journey so far. And any advice on navigating visitation in my home would be so appreciated.
Thanks x

losingmyself · November 04, 2021, 04:38:47 PM

I just wanted to congratulate you on your new life! It sounds like you're truly living your best life, and I'm so happy for you!
As to the visitation, I have 2 thoughts:
could you leave when he's there?
Or could you arrange for this visitation to happen somewhere other than your house?
I just think that he sees that he can be near you, and try to manipulate you, or abuse you, and he will not change the situation, so it's up to you.
That's all.
Again, so so happy for you! I can feel it when I read your post that you're truly happy!

PlantFlowersNotWeeds · November 04, 2021, 08:30:52 PM

Having to GR and MC is excellent - yet exhausting, right?

I don't have any great advice, I'm struggling right now myself.

I do like the suggestion of leaving the house when he is there. Try that one time, next time listen to a pod cast while you do chores, stay busy, shut your door, talk a walk. Go the libray and sit quietly and read some magazines, go to a movie, grocery shop really really slowly. Take a drive with a nice cup of coffee or tea. Anything.... Depending on your childrens' ages this can be easier or harder to do.

Enjoy all the pluses when he is not there. Congratulations

Rose1 · November 04, 2021, 09:30:59 PM

I would like to caution leaving him in he house. On the rare occasions exbpdh was in my house with my kids he used the opportunity to snoop, steal and get dirt on me.

Yours may be more low functioning but he's manipulative enough to make sure visits occur at your house.

I strongly suggest visits elsewhere, probably supervised because you don't need continual parental alienation, which by the way, continually talking bad about you, limping, waifing and making it out to be your fault is exactly that.

Its a difficult situation. Maybe make it his responsibility. Tell him its not working, his place isn't suitable and to find someone prepared to supervise visitation at his expense. Or find accommodation that's more suitable. See what he does. It could be quite instructive.

CagedBirdSinging · November 05, 2021, 01:55:22 AM

Thanks for your replies. I'm stuck as regards visitation at my house because there is really nowhere else. We don't have mutual friends and he doesn't have family anywhere nearby. I don't want to push for him to find somewhere else to live, because he might then start demanding overnight visits. I'm in a strange place- having him at my house is a mixed blessing in some ways, in that my worst fears (overnight visits, kids with him alone for extended periods) hasn't happened- yet. I'm ok with this arrangement for now, if I can manage to enforce better boundaries when he is here.

I try to go out for a while when he is here on Saturday or Sunday. I go for a walk, go to the library etc. Money is tight (pdH has so far paid no maintenance so I am managing totally on my own). Even going for a coffee is a luxury. But I try to keep busy. Week nights are harder. I need to be home. The kids need fed, bathed, put to bed in the time he is here- and they need me here.

Rose you are right about the snooping- I keep all private documents in a locked closet in my room, along with all laptops etc. Its annoying but necessary.

escapingman · November 05, 2021, 03:56:11 AM

This is so uplifting and sad to read, I am so glad you are happy and have moved on when he is not there. But it must be awful to have him round like you do.

I am in your situation but without the one year, I just told my STBX I want a divorce and she is throwing all the toys and tricks at me. On second she is begging me to stay telling me I am the love of her life, next she she threatens to drag me through the courts making sure I will get nothing and then she turns in to a crying ball saying her life is over. I am like you trying to MC and GR this, but it is hard work and emotionally draining. How long are you planning on this going on? What kind of agreements do you have, if any? Do you realistically he would get custody if you sorted this through court? You can't live like this, can you record his behaviour and use in a court battle (if it got to it)?

CagedBirdSinging · November 05, 2021, 05:39:18 AM

Thanks escapingman - it is a very strange time. Both happy and sad/exhausting as you say. One of the hardest things is trying to MC/GR and show no emotion in front of him, because he will latch onto this and use it against me. He is very black and white - he doesn't understand how complex my emotions are. Once he caught me crying in the kitchen when he was here (I had been having a tough day and tried so hard to hide it from him, but he caught me and then pestered me to tell him what was wrong) - I confessed I am devastated that my marriage is over. I didn't want to end up as a single parent. I wanted my family to stay in tact, and to grow old together, raise kids together... but not with someone who treats me so badly! He doesn't understand how I could be heartbroken about the separation, but this does not mean I want to get back with him!

I haven't really planned too far ahead. I'm just getting through one day at a time. My only plans are things like fun little day trips with the kids (I have booked an amazing Santa experience for them!) and also career-wise plans to put me and kiddies in a better place financially.
In my country you are not allowed to divorce for a number of years post separation, so there is very little I can do for now on that front. I am sort of hoping that the smoke will eventually clear - pdH will move on to a new target, and then when the situation is less fraught, that will be a better time to seek a formal separation agreement. I wouldn't like to go to court right now, when he is behaving so erratically and wants to hurt me in any way he can. I'm feeling my way through this intuitively, and my instincts are telling me to wait. He can't keep this up forever.

When he first started taunting me about dating other women, I found this very difficult. I don't want to be with him - and certainly don't want to live with him ever again - but I still found it hurtful and upsetting. I can't imagine taunting an ex-partner by telling them about my new love life. It's such a cruel thing to do. He says 'loads of really nice women' are chasing after him, apparently. But I'm learning just to ignore this rubbish. What does it matter, really. I just feel sorry for these women he is casually using for sex, whilst still trying to get back with his ex-wife.

Focusing on the positive - it is so wonderful when he is not here. I am getting a taste of how good life can be. I believe it will only get better. As the kids get older, I'll have less and less contact with him. I have more energy now, and I feel more like myself again.

I think for the moment I might try to lay down a couple of basic rules. I am doing him a huge favour in facilitating visitation at my house, allowing him to use my heating, food, resources. All I ask in return is that he speaks respectfully to me when he is here, and that he stops taunting me. Also I will try to make more effort to be out when he is here - I might try to start running or something, which would help me mentally and physically too.

Rose1 · November 05, 2021, 09:00:37 AM

It's tough and only you can gauge the situation. In my case the snooping blind sided me like a lot of things.
He decided to pay me back for various wrongs by no child support and not "helping me out" with the kids. In hindsight biggest favour he ever did.
If he ever decides to walk and not look back, let him.

hhaw · November 05, 2021, 12:27:36 PM

CBS:

More dancing....
Less face to face with the PD.

Maybe meet the PD outside your home, somewhere, for visitation. You can drop the kids and go somewhere nearby.....maybe?

It's clear you flourish when the PD isn't allowed in your physical and mental space.

Is there any way to drop them at a relatives house for visitation.....if supervision is required?

CagedBirdSinging · November 05, 2021, 01:42:27 PM

Thanks HHaw I always respect your advice. There is nowhere outside my home that would be suitable for visitation long-term. Sure we could go to the park, but not in middle of winter. In the evenings kids need their regular bedtime routine. The time he calls over is the time they are pretty much getting ready for bed- he finishes work late, so no alternatives there. I don't have any relatives or friends who could host visitation long term- they have kids of their own and busy lives.

I think I have to put up with hosting visitation for now, focus on the positives and know that the situation will change eventually. I'm sure he will move out of the trailer at some stage, either into a nicer place or he will find a woman to take pity on him and will move in with her.

I just need to avoid getting into conversations with him, as best I can. It's difficult because sometimes I see him laughing with the kids and I am filled with doubts- what if I was wrong? What if I made a mistake? That's the hardest thing about having him here so often, he either moans and cries or puts on a show of being the perfect dad. Either way it's emotionally difficult, but there's no other way.

escapingman · November 05, 2021, 01:50:41 PM

Quote from: CagedBirdSinging on November 05, 2021, 01:42:27 PM
I just need to avoid getting into conversations with him, as best I can. It's difficult because sometimes I see him laughing with the kids and I am filled with doubts- what if I was wrong? What if I made a mistake? That's the hardest thing about having him here so often, he either moans and cries or puts on a show of being the perfect dad. Either way it's emotionally difficult, but there's no other way.

This is what is keep happening to me, I need to go no or at least low contact with my STBX. It is hearth wrenching to be near someone that just don't give up and keep trying different angles all the time. Your (and my) mental health is seriously at stake her, you need to stop seeing him.

CagedBirdSinging · November 05, 2021, 03:46:56 PM

Eacapingman, I hear you. You're right, it would be better not to see him. I can't even imagine how much healthier I would feel. In the summer I managed to take the kids on holiday for a week- my longest without seeing him- and I felt like a new person. But while our kids are this young (and while he has no place suitable for visitation) it is simply not possible to go NC. I have to endure it, put in better boundaries, and really appreciate the times when he is not here. I'm doing well with self care but need to focus on that even more.

If I focus too long on the reality, I would fall apart. How many people have to host their ex in their home on a regular basis? And have to smile and pretend it's all ok? Really this is horrible. But at least my kids are here with me, and I'm doing my best for them and keeping them safe. Sometimes they join in the dancing when he leaves. We have a disco

Lauren17 · November 05, 2021, 08:34:52 PM

CBS thank you for posting an update.
You're story was an inspiration to me as I was planning my own "escape,"
It sounds like you have good times. And tough times. And some struggles to overcome.
But, I think, that overall things are better?
You have the tools to cope. You know what to do to beat those struggles.
Strength to you.

P.S. I vote against leaving him in your house unsupervised.

CagedBirdSinging · November 06, 2021, 04:30:50 AM

Thanks Lauren- I remember following your journey too.

Yes it's better in lots of ways. As I've said, when he is not here I feel such a wonderful sense of freedom. I'm laughing more with my kids and feeling more present.

But when he is here it's worse than when we were married. I would say the emotional and verbal abuse over the last year has been even worse than when we were married. The level of manipulation has taken me aback. He constantly tries to make me feel guilty and obligated to him. He projects and verbally assaults. He honestly thinks it's my responsibility to take care of him, still. He refuses to take any responsibility, so I have been left feeling that the marriage breakdown is 100% my fault. All this had been very difficult.

This is why I need to leave the house when he is here sometimes- even just for an hour or so to preserve my sanity.

I'm hoping things will get better. I guess it's still early days. I'm clinging onto the good days, when he is not here.