How do you articulate how unhappy an NPD spouse makes you and why you want to se

[Kate_S]

I am in the process of setting the stage for a separation and eventual divorce from my NPD husband. We are in marital therapy and I am being asked to explain why I have been so unhappy in the marriage for so long. It's not enough for him for me to just say I've been unhappy. He and the therapist keep asking me to articulate why. I just know that he makes me feel so alone, small, worthless and invalidated. He gaslights me into thinking that those are just subjective feelings and they are all in my head. I feel paralyzed to explain it and give examples in therapy. It's so overwhelming. His ego is too fragile to accept or respect my feelings at face value. Does anyone have experience with this or have any advice on how to calmly and throughly state your reasoning? I feel like I'm on trial and and keep "freezing up" when it's time to find my empowered voice and stand up for myself. Thank you.

[hhaw]

Find a good trauma informed T for yourself, if you can.  It's time and money well spent, ime.

I'm sorry marriage counseling is something you feel you need to subject yourself to.  Maybe it's time to shift to your own therapist instead.  Why does anyone need to be convinced when you're still figuring out how you feel for yourself?

Good luck

[square]

Your husband will NEVER be convinced.

He will never say, yeah, I see what you're saying.
Never say, that's reasonable.
Never say, I understand.
Never say, that's a good enough reason.

And in a way, that is exactly the priblem, isn't it? If your feelings and needs are never valid or acceptable, if the onus is always on you to convince someone who will never be convinced, that's why it's not working.

[Lauren17]

When I filed for divorce, stbxh begged me over and over  to tell him why. I stuck with the very basics.
I'm not happy. This isn't working for me anymore. No, I don't wish to share more.
I repeated those phrases over and over and over again.
Maybe, with the marriage counselor, the answer could be.
I'm not comfortable sharing that.
Or
There's no answer I can give that will lead to reconciliation.

I second finding your own T to work with.

[11JB68]

IME that has been a trap set by Updh.... If I tell him specifically what's wrong he will argue and defend, project and get angry, then tell me I'm bullying him.
I question whether it's reasonable for the therapist to even request this of you, especially when it's clearly making you uncomfortable

[Aeon]

 

If the PD cared then you would have told them and they would have done something about it.

[Poison Ivy]

There are three "clients" or "patients" in marriage therapy: the two spouses and the marriage. The therapist probably believes that he or she has an obligation to look out for the interests of all three.

[escapingman]

Therapy is most likely pointless, my STBX is trying to drag me in to something she hasn't really told me what it is. But, when I told her the reasons why I wanted a divorce she turned it all round and blamed me. I told her I am too hurt to continue, she replied she is really hurt too, so I said if we both are hurt it is obvious we need to get a divorce, but she told me that's not needed if we both change. I don't need to change and she can't......

[Kat54]

I found it incredibly difficult to articulate why I felt I needed to leave because I was afraid of him. But he didn't seem to really care why because none of it was his fault, even though it was the things he did.

His answer was this is who I am and this is your problem, not mine. And I did question that part, but nah, I circled back around to if maybe he didn't bark and yell at me, and nothing I ever did was right. Couldn't even dress appropriately for any occasion.
I told him every mean thing he said to me was like taking an eraser and rubbing me away slowly, wearing me down until there was nothing left. He just looked at me like I was nuts. To him I was nuts and he was just fine.

Therapy can be good if both partners are willing to make changes. I have to say I felt in my gut that wouldn't happen with him, he looked at himself as not flawed or rather he would have to accept some responsibility, which he doesn't with anything in his life, so after about a couple sessions I went through the motions and started going alone so it would help me to leave him.

[hhaw]

IME the Pads really listen to what's said....after we file or speak of divorce.

They take what we say and use it to confuse, distract and further trap us, ime.

Limiting contact with the PD is healthier than tending to their distress, demands for info, details of our inner workings they'll tease apart and use against us, ime.

[losingmyself]

Do you journal? I would recommend it of you don't already.