PD parent has no one but me

[outofDEN]

I'm wondering if anyone out there has dealt with going LC with their PD parent knowing they were the parent's only form of human/social contact?

My PDm has alienated or stopped communicating with any people in her life. She's been divorced for most of my life, I'm 26 now, and now all familial relatives have passed away, except PDm's older sister who lives in a different part of the country. I am an only child and grew up being enmeshed with and parentified by my PDm.  She has continued to try to make me responsible for her happiness, social interaction, and wellbeing. I'm in therapy and have been navigating the new boundaries I've set and have been trying to have lower and lower contact with my mother for the past couple of years. I am the only person she talks to with regularity. One boundary I've set is trying to see her only once a month, despite the fact that I'd like it to be even less, because I am the only person she sees besides short conversations with her neighbors.

I often find myself wishing my mother had other people in her life to alleviate my fear and guilt of going LC or NC, as if knowing she'd have someone other than me to see or talk to would make it easier.

Whenever i don't call or see her for an amount of time she's not okay with, I am told I never see her, it's been "forever", and i have abandoned her and have a new life now. I know she is not my responsibility, even though she's tried to convince me that she is, but those feelings of guilt are strong.
So I'm wondering if anyone has had a similar experience where they chose to go NC or LC knowing their PD parent was going to be entirely alone otherwise? And if so, did you have the kind of PD parent that was codependent and made you responsible for their happiness in life?

[Starboard Song]

Not exactly the same, but close. In town, we knew that in any given year they may not have more than 2 social interactions other than with us. They could call people. But real live friends didn't seem to exist. Dinner parties didn't happen. Nor lunch with former co-workers.

And yeah, that added to the guilt and challenge of our crisis. When we went NC, we knew we had just them off from their only grandson, and from everyone they knew within 100 miles.

We got there anyway: the chief lesson of all this is that you did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and neither can you Cure it. So at some point you have to provide for your own ability to thrive in peace.

[Boat Babe]

Your mother sounds very like my own. I am the only child of a very waifish, isolated woman and have always felt that burden. I was her emotional crutch from very early on and I need to work on letting that resentment go.

I'm glad that you have such a clear take on your situation, which will stand you in good stead. I naturally went to low contact with my mother in my early twenties as her very presence alters my biology.  It took me much much longer to be chilled around her and not drink a bottle of wine, straight off, immediately after a visit. This forum , therapy , mindfulness meditation  and time have helped with being non reactive. I stick around now because she can't hurt me anymore, although she does frustrate me still. I feel sorry for her, for a life damaged and wasted. I also can't bear to think of her alone, even though she has created this situation.

If you continue contact with your mum, establish exactly what you will, and won't, accept from her. Define precisely what you need to do if she ignores your boundaries. Be prepared to stick to your guns. If you can do this with courtesy and grace, you'll be a better person than I was at your age.

Good luck.

[LavenderLime]

Yes, much of my background is similar.  I'm an only child and my parents divorced when I was 3.  I have often been told that I was her only joy in life and can't hear the song "You are my sunshine" without getting a gut reaction, something close to nausea. Enmeshed and parentified until my late 20s when I finally started realizing there was a problem and I started pulling away when I married and had kids of my own. Her mother and 2nd husband passed away over 15 years ago. She has alienated almost all other family members . She does have a few neighbors she talks to, but it's all superficial. She is alone.  However, I did not make her alone. She has. I have learned it's not my job to make her ok.
I just turned 50 and still struggle with LC.  I just saw her for the first time in about 8 years (hoovered in by serious medical issue) and it was only in the past year or two that I started limiting my phone calls. I had this unspoken pressure to call her once a week, even if I didn't want to.  I finally broke through that and realized how much happier I was not having regular contact.  I still struggle with the guilt of not talking to her, but  remind myself to put my needs first (and then reject the guilt for daring to put myself first). 
It's not easy, but you can maintain your boundaries. Surround yourself with your supports and take good care of yourself .

[Sneezy]

This is the kind of issue that gets worse with age.  You are wise to set your boundaries now.  Given your age, your mother must be middle-aged.  I'm guessing she is doing ok physically, she can drive, she is ok with technology, etc.  There is no reason she can't get out and make friends and find her own activities.  Her happiness is not your responsibility. 

Set your boundaries now and keep working on making them strong.  If you don't, in 20 or 30 years you will be dealing with an aging mother who will expect you to run her life, drive her everywhere, entertain her when she's bored, and pretty much make her your full-time job.

I have a mom in senior living, who ignores me when she is busy, and then expects me to drop everything and entertain her, coddle her, talk on the phone with her, and generally just run her life for her when she is bored.  I feel incredibly guilty at times, because as I am nearing retirement, I do have more time and I could do those things for her.  But that's not how I want my pre-retirement and retirement years to go.  So I'm setting boundaries now, as best I can.  I wish I had a pleasant, fun mom that I could spend more time with.  But that's not what I got. I need to limit my time with her for my own well-being (and the well-being of my DH and adult kids - it's not fair to them when I am miserable because I let mom make me miserable).

[Boat Babe]

I wish I had a pleasant, fun mum too.

[Sneezy]

I wish I had a pleasant, fun mum too.

Boat Babe - Maybe the antidote to our mothers is that we will have to turn into annoyingly cheerful old ladies who eat too much chocolate and keep bringing home stray cats? 

[Boat Babe]

I wish I had a pleasant, fun mum too.

Boat Babe - Maybe the antidote to our mothers is that we will have to turn into annoyingly cheerful old ladies who eat too much chocolate and keep bringing home stray cats?

?

[neilyneil]

I relate to this so much, OutofDEN. I'm going through something identical except with my father.

The guilt of cutting down contact (not even LC levels) feels like overwhelming grief. I'm not entirely sure if the grief is realizing the relationship is not what I previously thought, for the loneliness they must feel (and I feel I would be adding to), or because we're so enmeshed that cutting him off must mean that I'm not good and should be cut off, too.

I'm trying to see it more like closing a chapter that has long been done and moving on to the next. Some characters make it and drive the plot, others do not.

You're in a tough position and I'm hoping you can find strength to do what you need to and peace to stay the course that best fits you.

[lilith]

I'm not in quite the same situation, but I definitely empathise with how you feel. It's such an awful burden.

My father is the emotional tyrant NPD BPD recluse, who subjected me to pretty intense emotional incest. I would be happy never to see him again, I've got past those feelings of guilt because I can access my feelings of anger and rage and I feel very justified in my decision. But I know my siblings feel tremendous guilt and the urge to look after him, stay in contact, etc.

But my mother on the other hand is the sad waif martyr mother, a covert narc, needy, controlling, and contemptuous. She has a few friends, so she's not a recluse, but her entire emotional life she leans on her children. Her happiness is our responsibility. And she's recently separated from our father. I moved back home when she was an empty-nester, and it was the worst decision of my life. I'm planning to leave and go LC, and the guilt is overwhelming, paralysing. And also the fear of her silent rage and contempt when she wants to make me suffer for leaving her.

What really helped me was the realisation that the older she gets, the harder it will be to leave. I was telling my therapist about the moment I realised, in Covid lockdown with my mother (nearly 70) and our elderly auntie, that even though I'm severely ill, and they are absurdly healthy, I would spend the rest of my life looking after *them*. I said I'd rather k*** myself, and my therapist said, "I don't blame you." Somehow that made me realise that it was my life or hers. And goddammit, I was going to choose my life.

The older they get, the more other people will gaslight and manipulate us into staying with or keeping in touch with our poor dear old mothers. No one deserves to be burdened with the responsibility for a miserable person's happiness. Least of all us, because we've already tried too much, for no success and no thanks. You don't owe her anything. She is perfectly capable of making friends, she just chooses not to, because she prefers sucking the life out of you. It's your life or hers, and you are fully entitled to shamelessly choose your life, and leave the consequences where they belong, with her.