loving you is good for me

[desertpine]

So this happened recently - I told my partner that I am feeling emotionally drained and disconnected from them, that I need some attention and affection in order to fill my bucket, so to speak.  I asked for some time of just the two of us where he would hold me and show that he is interested in how my life is going.
It's unusual for me to ask for this and it feels awkward. His response seemed to reflect his self-absorption : That he could do that, holding me would be good for him, too.    And he thanked me for asking him to hold me. 
Good news is that I took some slow breaths and told him that I felt deflated when he said that loving me is good for him.  When I'm needing some tenderness, it sounds like he is first considering the benefit for him - and I'm needing empathy or compassion for how I'm feeling drained. After talking about it for a while, he seemed to understand and he thanked me for letting him know.
I'm glad about the outcome of the conversation but I am still taken aback that the first reaction to my needs was about the benefit to him.
That pattern is partly why I feel emotionally drained and I'm trying to assert myself better so that I don't ignore my own emotional needs.
just had to share - anyone else have this kind of interaction with a loved one?  Like after a long hug, they say "thank you, that felt good" as though it was a gift for them rather than a mutual expression of love and connection?

[1footouttadefog]

I think the"thank you that felt good" would require context.  In many contexts that could be understood as to other person not taking to he hug for granted.

I do get that you felt 😭 Nally deflated when asking for your needs to be met and getting a response that it would be good for the partner.

[desertpine]

Ya, I can see how the context matters. I need to think about it and see if I can explain it better. 

[1footouttadefog]

I was not invalidating you on that just suggesting that those words alone could have multiple meanings.

I live with a pdh who was selfish with affection and ok physical intimacy so I get it.

And pds are often masters of speaking in ways that can be taken more than one way.  It gives them plausible deniability and makes us mins sound pretty when we tell others what is going on. 

If you put a lot of what they say on paper it looks so normal but the tone of voice , timing and back stories make it mean something entirely different. 

Like when a friend of mines husband said "I am not sure I deserve S as a wife and life partner". When the Sunday school class/Bible study members were discussing marriage".   She cried and looked angry because on the way there he had been saying "I married the wrong f@ing B@tch". Without the context his comment might have seemed like appreciation for her. She seemed ungrateful to a loving and humble man to the others in n the class.total narc game playing out. 

[Worthy of Care]

And pds are often masters of speaking in ways that can be taken more than one way.  It gives them plausible deniability and makes us mins sound pretty when we tell others what is going on. 

If you put a lot of what they say on paper it looks so normal but the tone of voice , timing and back stories make it mean something entirely different. 

I would agree that context matters. Context isn't just that moment, that conversation; it is all the times before that within your relationship.

Good for you for stating what you needed and then going back to him when his response troubled you.