Deterioration, Confusion, Personality changes

[wisingup]

So ubpd mom has had mild confusion & memory issues for a year or so.  Last week, she has taken a large turn for the worse.  We got called from her local drugstore after she drove the 2 blocks there, then couldn't remember how to get home.  The last time she was like this (4 years ago) it turned out to be a UTI.  We took her straight to urgent care, but it's not a UTI this time. 

She was very very confused and delusional - telling us that her neighbors were coming into her apartment and other such tales.  We took her car keys & I have now assumed control of her finances.  It's time to look into assisted living & memory care, which frankly may be a relief to all of us.  She has assets to last her possibly 4-5 years, then I'm not sure what will happen but we'll figure that out along the way.

The interesting part is that - just like when she had the UTI - she becomes much more pleasant in this state.  Very childlike & compliant - her usual sarcastic, bitter, negative self is nowhere to be seen. 

Obviously, for the next few weeks/months until we can get her settled somewhere, both my brother and I will have to be very involved with her.  I'm going to manage her bills & take her grocery shopping each weekend, my brother will handle the medical appointments. 
I'm struggling with trying to muster up some warmth to interact with her in this childlike state.  Trying to see her as a different person than the one that has been so difficult to deal with my whole life.  It may not be do-able & I'll just fake it as best I can.

[SunnyMeadow]

What a shock that must be wisingup! Although the change from negative and bitter to childlike and compliant is a welcome change, it's got to feel odd. I could see myself faking some warmth for this situation.

At this point, I think of my mom as an unpleasant woman I see from time to time. It doesn't feel like a close mother-daughter relationship. If she ever becomes childlike, I will treat her as a confused, childlike woman I have to see more often.  I hope I'm able to show as much compassion as is needed. Like you said, faking it.

It sounds like you and your brother have a good handle on this. Thankfully she has assets to get her into assisted living.

[bloomie]

wisingup - so much to think through with this decided change in your mother's ability to care for herself. Thankful you and your brother can work together to support her more hands on until you can find the best living environment for her.

I can honestly say that the very best times I ever had with my own uBPD mother was during the middle part of her journey with Alzheimer's. She was sweet. And she was a person that you would never, even on a good day, ever call sweet. And she was incredibly vulnerable and I had tremendous compassion for her as the process was frightening for her and honestly, very sad to see for the rest of us.

I found a great deal of healing in those days and times spent together as the combative, paranoid, grudge bearing, quick to rage woman was gone. I could see a part of her that had been so defended for so long that I could never see before. I grieved a lot and ended up being grateful for the moments when she connected as she was able.

It did not change anything that had transpired between us. It did not invalidate the very real harm she had done to me or the broken pieces she had left in the wake, but it gave space to be somewhat, or reasonably, safe in her presence for the first time in my entire life. I had never experienced even a moderate amount of safety around my own mother. Ever.

This is not always the shift that people with Alzheimer's make - to a gentle and compliant person, but my mother (I believe by the grace of God) did and I am grateful. Still a very hard journey filled with so much processing and emotion.

I didn't have to muster or fake, just to be present and the compassion I would hold for anyone going through, what is a terrible disease, began to grow in me. I am so sorry your mom is facing this and my thoughts are with you and your brother as you make your way forward.

You are a loving person to step forward and care for and protect her in this vulnerable state. It will be a good relief when you have care for her and can have the amount of contact you decide is best and right for you. Let us know how you are doing in the coming days.

[Fiasco]

I'm on this road with BPDm as well. She ended up hospitalized at the beginning of the year from not remembering to eat or drink or take her meds. Testing showed "mild cognitive impairment". Since then her whole memory seems to have taken a dump. I had always kept an eye on her finances but now I'm paying everything because she can't remember what she paid, can't find the bills, tells me one second she mailed a check and the next asks me if she paid. It's sad, in a "well it's sad when that happens to anyone" kind of way.

I've always been convinced she's so nasty because she chooses to be. BPD maybe makes her want to be awful, but it's still a choice. Now that she's losing her memory so badly she's forgetting to be horrible. It's unnerving and after my most recent conversation with  her I really couldn't get my head straight. It's upsetting.

[1footouttadefog]

It's very tough and there are alot of mixed feelings when someone is deteriorating.

My spouse is experiencing the early stages of dementia.  We recently went through a pretty challenging time with unstable mode and anger with delusional thinking.

I was talking to the post lady and she said her mother got violent for a phase also.

I mention this just to make sure it's on others radar.  It can creep in then get pretty intense.  Seek medical help early of you notice such changes in that direction.

I also find the vulnerability there decline indices a thing to be compassionate about.

Make sire you take care of yourself while dealing with these difficult changes and related caregiving.

[wisingup]

Thank you all for understanding.  Bloomie - that is interesting that your mother changed in the same way.  I guess I was expecting her to become even more difficult with the dementia / memory loss.  And I guess there are new difficulties with the worsening symptoms, but being around her has gotten easier, for now. 

She did call later that evening convinced that someone was in her home & got very frustrated with me that I tried to tell her that no one was there.  I've since learned that Alzheimer's experts advise that you not try to convince them that what they are perceiving isn't real, but rather to validate their experience & then try to distract them onto a new topic that is less upsetting.

Fiasco and 1footouttadefog - I'm sorry you're going through similar.  I'll look out for your posts & perhaps we can support each other through this!

[Fiasco]

Fiasco and 1footouttadefog - I'm sorry you're going through similar.  I'll look out for your posts & perhaps we can support each other through this!

Thank you, I'd like that.

[Amadahy]

Hi, Wisingup! 

My Nmom went into rehab and then long-term care over a year ago.  She, too, has had memory issues and has been delusional or paranoid about others, but sweet to anyone who is taking care of her. It's a whole personality shift for her, as with your mom.  ("Rage" was my Nmom's middle name, especially toward me.) In the year, plus, I have run the gamut from being angry to guilty to sad to all kinds of ambiguous feelings and emotions, sometimes quite strong and disabling.  Just now, I have settled down somewhat into what you might call observant acceptance.  I visit once/week (only allowed this much with covid) and take her a drink or snack.  Some visits she is very flat, little verbal interaction and some visits she is planning her parlay into independent life (!).  The latter used to trigger me terribly and I'd feel guilty or ashamed, but now I feel sad, although not excessively so.  I guess what I'm trying to share is that there is no right way to process all the years of pain and the current reality ... the only way is through the muck and mire of it all and it is not easy at all!  Take care of yourself!  xoxo

[wisingup]

Hi everyone - here's an update for the last 3-4 weeks.  uBPD Mom has gone in and out of confusion.  Even on good days now, she has trouble with words.  I think she is aware of her difficulties & frustrated that she can't communicate clearly. 

There have been some pretty bad days though.  After her last doctor's appt, it turns out she DOES have a UTI now.  The doctor called HER to tell her, which she did not understand & just called me to tell me she "failed her test" which I had no idea what she was talking about.  My brother finally called the doc to get the story.  So now she's on anti-biotics & we'll see if that makes a difference.

Brother and I decided to just move ahead with the assisted living plan.  Just having to deal with confused phone calls every day and the constant threat of another crisis are stressing both of us out.  We talked with her about it last weekend, & once I described it as like a "cruise ship" where you have your own cabin but you come to the dining room to have all your meals seemed to make her happy.   I've identified a place that is a front-runner & I'm taking mom & brother to tour it this weekend - we'll see what she thinks after the tour.

Both brother and I are having trouble being patient with her and beating ourselves up about it.   We try to trade off to the degree we can.  We need to ask her a lot of questions about her health & finances & it's very hard to keep her on task.  When she gets confused or frustrated or doesn't know the answer, she just changes the subject.  We're also having to question her daily about whether she remembered to eat and drink and take her meds.  We've noticed a real difference in her after she eats something in our presence - she gets sharper and more energetic.

She remains more upbeat and pleasant then her usual personality - I'm not holding my breath, but I'll take it while it lasts.

[Fiasco]

Good luck, sounds like you're doing everything right!