The last straw with bpd sibling

[realitybaths]

Here's the condensed version of the shit-show of the last 2 1/2 years (you can also see it in my post history):

1. Bpd or Npd (or both) sister brings my parents and wife into a lie about my 13 year old daughter being sexually inappropriate with her cousin at a fun family outing. Bpd sibling's husband gets involved and bombs my work emails about it and I have to leave work thinking there was a family emergency.  I lost time and had to cancel and work event. It was all predicated on a lie and done out of envy.  Mass chaos ensues.

2. Bpd sister and her husband start the cut-offs/cancellations of me and my wife and our daughter from family events, school projects she was doing with her cousin all fall of 2019. They totally flip the script on us and make us out to be the bad guys.

3. Same sister and husband throw a literal fit at Christmas-time of 2019, destroying a game night that they had organized. (Yes, stuff was thrown).

4. Husband of sister gets on an email thread that he wasn't even intended in June of 2020 (re: Covid protocols) and writes a disrespectful and abusive email intended for me, to which I send a very angry response. Again, I'm made out to be the bad guy.

5. The straw, er 5 billion ton boulder that broke the camel's back:   Bpd sister's child, a 12 year old boy, in one of the greatest ironies on the planet, ends up physically and sexually abusing his 6 year old cousin of my other functional sister while he was helping babysit.  When my other, functional sister called out the Bpd sister on it, she literally cancelled her and hasn't spoken to her for 8 months. Eventually, the Department of Family Services was involved in this incident because of her silence about it. 

6.  We are trying to move on as an extended family without that family but my parents STILL want to have a relationship with the BPD sister and her abusive husband and son.  I actually don't really want a relationship with my parents if they continue on with this family.  I hate to say this--but they are deeply troubled and evil and are still gaslighting the hell out of my parents.

Any words of advise would be nice.  This has now totally wrecked a once loving and close extended family and we are just left with shards and pieces.

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds really crazy and in my experience having to deal with such difficult people, can lead to doubting ones own reality and mental health too.
In my own life, I have found it difficult to make radical decisions like going No Contact with a person or persons,  I rather tell myself I need a Time out and withdraw for a limited time. Which often ends up permanent as everybody moves on... But that is a personal preference,  for you it might be better to decide to go NC and then reconsider after a while. Or not. But I definitely agree with you,  you want to keep your distance for a while and see how the drama unfolds.
As for your parents,  you could consider not discussing your sister and BIL with them at all. You could ask your parents to respect your decision to not see them, hear about them, have any contact in any form or way for a while.  And then you will learn if your parents respect your decision.  Before you ask them, you might want to decide what the consequences will be if they do not respect your wish.  It might be that you will cut contact with them too. You will have to decide if that is a choice that you can live with. Do not threaten anything that you are not willing to implement. You might want to think long and hard before you approach your parents and have your plan of action in place. As this will affect your wife and your children as well, you might want to discuss this in detail with them and find a solution that works for all of you.
I urge you to read the Toolbox. Learn the strategies Medium chill, grey rock, non JADE and start implementing when you have to deal with your sister and - maybe - your parents (in connection with your sister). You can choose not to get involved in the drama. Not to write angry letters. Not to allow a dysfunctional family to create havoc in your own life.
Good luck to you and let us know how you are doing!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I am so sorry for all that happened. Pushing a narrative based on a lie, creating drama and then enjoying it as it spirals seems common. For the rest of us, it can take a while to recover and it seems like those who created it just move on like normal, until the next time.  As for getting to the "last straw", I think it is different for all of us but when you get there it is something I believe we just feel in our soul beyond a doubt.

I believe it is possible to separate the relationship with your parents from that with your sibling. I think it involves getting quite clear on where your boundaries are, and then being able to follow it up by maintaining them in the face of the inevitable huge push-back that will come in response from those with NPD/BPD. Those with NPD do not like boundaries and will pull out every tactic to get you to relent and go back to the way it was before. Sometimes I think if you remain in limited contact with boundaries, it can therefore at times feel like things get even worse. I do not know that it will play out that way, it might just be something to be prepared for.   

As already stated, you can ask your parents to respect your wishes even if they do not understand it. I went through a similar conversation with my parents, but they did not get it at all. They did not like I stopped speaking to my sister and frequently would guilt me, argue, and plead. They wanted their family intact again, and put it all on me. In my opinion, I do not think you can change the way your family behaves. You can however refuse to participate. You can pull back from it and disengage and protect yourself.       


       

[Olive]

I hope your daughter is OK.  It sounds like BPD is covertly assaulting her by trying to control her network and hopes to deflect attention from her own family issues.  It may seem like going NC is hurting innocent bystanders but if it's not providing a healthy environment where your daughter is respected and protected, the value of family connection holds very little capital for you. 

[LemonLime]

Hi Reality,
I think you've gotten great advice so far.  I just wanted to add that it is probably not at all ironic that your BPD sis accused your family of some kind of sexual impropriety when it was her son who was being sexually inappropriate.

It's very likely projection.

The beauty of projection, in my opinion, is that it's a useful tool to see what is going on for the PD person.
What are they up to?   The answer:  whatever they are accusing others of.
It's like a secret window into their reality.