She has lost the plot

[square]

Sounds great, best of luck!

[hhaw]

I'm wishing you luck and much evidence, EM.

Lots and lots of evidence.

Perhaps get names of child psychologists from the attorneys they recommend.

Always always be focused on mitigating harm to the children.  The alienation tactics are considered abuse in theUS. The verbal abuse of a spouse in front of the children is considered abusive.

Document everything so you can SHOW the T what your children are dealing with. Be honest about the situation  and back up what you say.  Don't allege things you can't prove, IME.

[Boat Babe]

 

And don't mention personality disorders. Just behaviour.

And very best of luck.

[escapingman]

When I spoke to them on the phone I only mentioned some of the lighter abuse, they where still chocked  Didn't mention PD but they might be aware, they seem to have experience with that.

She told me to not do recordings for the court, sounded like they courts here don't like it. But she said it could be used for themselves to get a feeling for the case. Next week is only a first meeting to assess next steps and I can back out after it if I don't feel a connection. My decision to get the divorce is final though, I am not going to suffer anymore. The saddest thing is that I am even better off on my own without the kids the way she has manipulated them against me. But I suppose they will see the light at some point, I am not going to go and force them to pick my side as that will only make things uglier.

[square]

I don't know but I'm hoping you'll get at least 50% custody and when they are with you they may calm down, especially SG. Several folks here describe having children wound up when the children are transferred to them for visitation and then they relax... only to have them wound up again next time.

You may want to think about parenting tactics especially for GC when you have them. A way to calmly convey that you will not be spoken to like that. A calm and reasonable punishment if they push it, but one that you can enforce rather than turning into a battle of wills.

[escapingman]

I did it, I went to the solicitor. I told her about the abuse, this was scary as I have never ever told anyone about it before. She wanted to listen to my voice recording and was horrified about the extent of rage my stbxuNPDw showed. She asked me if she has any diagnose and said she really has control issues, pretty sure she knew exactly what the diagnose was but neither of us mentioned it in name.

Her first suggestion was to try to get a non molestation order through the courts and have stbxuNPDw removed from the house. That would involve me having to report a couple of previous incidents to the police and ideally wait for her next outburst and contact the police when she attacks me or the kids next. I don't really feel comfortable with this as I know this will open Pandora's box and stbxuNPDw will try to turn it around me being the problem. I don't think I can go ahead with this even if I have a good chance to get the order through the courts.

Second option is to use less blame and try to get her to agree to a divorce still on unreasonable behaviour but not as harsh. The idea would be to serve her the notification in about a month and for me to be away when this is done. I was also ordered by solicitor to immediately contact a doctor to get the abuse logged and to get a therapist.

So the plan is, first a doctor and to get referred to a T. Then file for divorce and serve her the papers. But all the time be prepared for the first suggestion if stbxuNPDw lash out and make any serious abuse.

It's a big weight from my chest to have been to meeting, I see some wage light in the end of the tunnel. I just need to enter it now....

[Simon]

Well done E.M.
I'm really pleased for you.

There will be tough times ahead, but it sounds like you're getting really good advice, and that you have options.
I agree with you about taking the second option.
You don't want to poke the bear any more than you need to.

There'll be plenty of people here to help you through the specifics as time goes on.
Many on here (not me) have gone through divorces with PD's, and I'm sure they'll be a great help when you finally start proceedings.

Having never had to go through a divorce with my PD, the only advice I can give is to keep your eyes on the goal, and make it as painless for the kids as possible.
There'll be times when they think it's all you fault (that's what your PD will tell them), but they will come to see the truth in the end.
But don't tell them that she has a PD, or bad mouth her in any way (I'm sure you know that already).

On that note, I highly recommend this guy's YouTube channel.
It's called DSD (DadSurvivingDivorce)
https://www.youtube.com/c/DadSurvivingDivorce/videos

He has gone through exactly what you are about to go through, and has a ton of videos discussing everything you need to know, from the alienation of the kids against you, to them getting older and seeing what it was really all about.
I'm sure that channel will be a big help to you.

Good luck mate.
You deserve a bit of peace, and you've taken the first step.

[square]

Well done!

[escapingman]

Ok, this has escalated fast. SG came into me and asked for a lift to school, apparently neither her mum or sister is speaking to her. So I took her and she starts telling me about how miserable she is and how she can't concentrate in school. All she thinks about is the shouting and misery at home. Citing her sister shouting at her, her mum shouting at her, her sister shouting at me, her mum shouting at me and me not talking to stbx. She needs therapy and she needs it badly, but she is to scared her mum will find out so she says she doesn't want it. I have contacted my GP (doctor) today to try to get an appointment to at least get therapy for myself and see what can be done about SG. If this abuse continues (which it will), I might need to just take SG out of the house and live with her just us two for a while. Didn't speak about this with the solicitor but for the well being of a child this must be an option, unless I have to go down the route of non molestation order. But having stbxuNPDw removed from the house could backlash and me being blamed by the kids, especially GC.

I am at my end here, I am tearing my hear of what to do. But at least the ball has started rolling.

[escapingman]

I am feeling sick. Been speaking to doctor who will report this to social services as kids are being abused and also report this to the police on behalf of me.

Let's see what kind of he'll this will be.

[losingmyself]

One day at a time.
You're protecting your kids, whether they see it right now or not.  This is why you can't plan too far ahead, you just don't know what is going to transpire. Just know that you're doing the right thing, and it's going to be tough for a while, but it'll get better eventually
We're rooting for you

[hhaw]

That's the thing about abuse, abusers, telling and the abused.  If we can't protect the kids, when they tell, it's better if the kids don't tell, imo.  Facing the abuser's wrath alone is terrifying and unfair, imo.

I wonder if seeking help at a shelter would provide solutions an attorney won't have or care to look into.

If SG tells, she'll require supervised visits with the mum, at least for a while, ime.

If you take her out of the home you should go through proper steps ...maybe a shelter or advocacy group will know how.

You want to avoid labels like abandonment, kidnapping and without the court's permission.

You might be able to move out with the SG BEFORE filing divorce.....without being punished.  Once you file..... everything goes into lockdown in the US....at least for the normal parent,ime.

The PDs seem to run around doing what were told NOT to do and getting away with it, bc they're posturing as victims loudly and consistently, ime.

We tend to seek peace and avoid blathering and overstating, then,vwhen things go wrong we open up and tell the entire PD truth which makes us appear unhinged , ime.

I say be prepared to back up and protect SG child.  Make the divorce about the abuse and document every inch if what you'll base your case and actions on.

Maybe you'll benefit from a paying in a shelter while you get your plan together.....IF SG's mental health is seriously impacted from being in the home?  Not saying it's what you should do.

You should research all options and make a good plan with a few level headed supporters by your side,c whatever you do, ime.

90% research.
10% execution.

Have a plan.

Protect kids long sleeve warm, if you can

Release perfection and protecting kids all the time, bc you can't, ime.

The better you document, the better your chances of a good enough outcome, ime.

Breathe, em.
Breathe.

[square]

Your stress is palpable. I'm sorry. Just keep moving forward. We're pulling for you and the kids.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

I know this is scary for you. I am very glad to hear you are taking action.

Know that all of us here have your back.

Didn't speak about this with the solicitor but for the well being of a child this must be an option, unless I have to go down the route of non molestation order.

I've never had to deal with a divorce attorney, but I've hired attorneys for quite a bit of business-oriented litigation and one thing I can tell you across the board is that it is 100% critical that you tell your attorney absolutely _everything_ that could even potentially be relevant to your case. It is especially important to let them know things that might put you in a bad light.

An attorney is hired to represent your interests and what you say to them is confidential. They can only represent you effectively if you present your entire situation with complete candor. Do not hold anything back. The worst thing you can do to your attorney is surprise them with something.

Stay strong. You will get through this. You are taking the rights steps to protect yourself and your kids.

[escapingman]

I've never had to deal with a divorce attorney, but I've hired attorneys for quite a bit of business-oriented litigation and one thing I can tell you across the board is that it is 100% critical that you tell your attorney absolutely _everything_ that could even potentially be relevant to your case. It is especially important to let them know things that might put you in a bad light.


The only reason I didn't tell the solicitor everything was that I ran out of time, if I had all the time in the world I would still be sitting with the solicitor telling her what was going on.....