He’s stopped making any effort to wake up

[square]

H has serious sleep issues, sleeps all day and stays up past dawn. Alarm doesn't wake him. Takes no responsibility, shows no concern.

I'm supposed to stop enabling him, stop taking responsibility. But how can I just let him not pick up DD from school, let her have a panic attack, and I don't even know how it would get resolved. It's not like he'd just be 5 or 10 or 30 minutes late. He'd wake up at 7:30pm and not even think about it.

How can I just let him sleep through his shift? If he loses his job, who will suffer the consequences? All three of us. And who will be blamed? Me, bigtime. BIG TIME. I will have been the most childish, manipulative, narcissistic, evil, sociopathic, conniving wife ever in the history of humankind. Which I already am but this would just prove it all.

Up until recently he was mostly struggling to wake up and I only had to "rescue" him, I dunno, maybe a third of the time. But lately it's 100%.

And his attitude infuriates me. No concept of what is happening, just totally taking it all for granted. Never a thank you, never a whoops. Just "oh, is it time?" No reaction when he looks at the clock and sees he has only 10 minutes to shower and get ready. Just informs me he didn't have the time to take his dog out. So I have to do it. Again. Though the dog is 100 pounds and too strong for me to handle and I'm vision impaired.

What do I do?

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry this is happening, and I know the solution(s) won't be easy.

But one thing: Is there anyone other than your husband who will think this? "I will have been the most childish, manipulative, narcissistic, evil, sociopathic, conniving wife ever in the history of humankind." And why does it matter what he thinks at this point?

[square]

I... don't know.

But I don't feel ok stopping waking himup without informing him first. I feel like it would be wrong to pull the rug out without warming, and that self doubt would just destroy me.

But how do I shift the burden onto DD, leaving her at school with her having a panic attack and me just sitting there replying to her panicked texts saying, oh, I guess your father just didn't wale up, hope he does in the next few hours? That just cannot happen.

I feel more likely to "let" him lose his job. That will be a disaster but I can't "let" him not pick up DD.

[Poison Ivy]

You're definitely between a rock and a hard place, square. But if you do take action, for example, by not waking him up, you will not be a bad person! Really.

[square]

There's cognitive dissonance for ya. It's the reason I'm ANGRY.

It's all his responsibility and absolutely none of mine that he can't get his own ass awake loooooooooooooooooong after everybody else manages to get up. NOT MY FAULT. NIT MY RESPONSIBILITY.

It's ABNORMAL that he sleeps all day. And not a little bit "he's a night owl." AB FUCKING NORMAL. Like, SHOCKINGLY SO.

And it's ABNORMAL for a grown ass adult to expect a spouse to keep an eye on the time and majke sure he's up but not TOO early, and to dance around weird statements like "is it time for me to get up?" I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT TIME YOU PLANNED TO GET UP.

What kind of answer was he expecting? No, I just came in here FOR NO REASON. We don't even TALK but I thought I'd just wander into your practically locked door and enjoy the squalor in your room and stare at you and you just happened to wake up right then.

So I know. But, man, when someone is absolutely convinced of your malicious evil, it's hard not to keep secind guessing a little bit. Especially since I would hear FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE about it. I feel like I need a clean conscience to throw that heavy of a weight off.

He sincerely, in his deepest hear believes he is doing nothing wrong. No-thing. The only problem, as he frequenty points out, is that I have absolutely ZERO EMPATHY.

So why would he object to a divorce? It would be a relief to divorce an evil narcissistic sociopath.

I just can't make the numbers work. How can I start over on $1390/month and zero prospects for the future? I can't even imagine having the ability to look at apartments. I see so poorly I can't even purchase things in a store anymore - can't see the items.


Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

[notrightinthehead]

No wonder you are angry and rightly so. I would be furious too. Your situations sounds pretty dire and it might look like there is no way out. With my NPDh I would have suspected that he did it on purpose, to show me my dependency on him.
With your DD I would definitely and furiously look for another solution to become independent on him. It's really bad for kids to be left at school when everybody else is gone.  I have no idea what you could do, maybe the school can help, maybe there is some aftercare available somewhere, maybe you could organize a lift for her,  maybe you could move closer to school so that she can walk home.  I would make this my number 1 priority and not stop before I have achieved independence from his mood or sleep patterns in that aspect of my life. 
After that you can inform him, if you must, that you no longer will wake him. If that is what you want and feel you must do. You could also just do it.
Do not give up! Use your anger and the energy that gives you to find a solution. Anything you can do to be more independent from him might be an improvement in your life.

[square]

DD just got her learner's permit. She'll have her license in spring and I'm sure H will let her take the car to school though there is potential for conflict - if she or another student scratches the car he probably win't take it well, though as with everything it depends on his Almighty Mood that day. (He could be quite understanding). And we'll buy her a car in summer, so this issue will last another 6-8 months and that's that.

Work, though, that one is stickier.

He is not doing this on purpose though he certainly could be TRYING HARDER.

Naturally, last night, after I posted, he texted from work thanking me for helping him. They always know when to throw a crumb, don't they.

I keep holding on for DD getting her license, plus her own car will help even more. We both feel like we could be so free then. Of course I would still be depending on her, sigh. I'd rather not, but she seems to want similar things as I do.

After that, I dunno. I just keep wishing H would just go away but that will never happen. I will have to make ugly choices, basically gnaw my arm off to escape the trap. There are no options that I see where I escape without losing a lot, and I see zero prospects for regaining anything at all.

[square]

I'm considering confronting him about this issue.

It's tough because I'm afraid to even gently mention something much less confront him on anything, he is in the darkest pit of the year (seasonal cycle), and it will all be for nothing. He does whatever he wants. He'll be better for a week and then slack off.

Still. I have two things really grating on me on this issue.

One is the obvious. I'm not responsible for waking His Majesty. I neither want to do it nor be seen as responsible for it.

The other is that his reactions just baffle and infuriate me. He's late to pick up DD... again. I wake him up. He says "am I supposed to get DD?"

I don't understand any aspect of this question. I reply, "well, I don't know. What arrangements did you guys make?"

I can't put my finger on what his reactions are. There's never any concern. Never any urgency. Never "crap, I overslept again!"

Most of all, there is no responsibility. Why is he asking me questions about whether he is supposed to pick up DD? It's like if I asked him if my report is due today at work. It has nothing to do with me.

When I wake him there is this attitude of... what are you doing here? Why are you bothering me?

It's infuriating because the attitude should be the exact opposite - gratitude and guilt.

There's no point.

[square]

Ugh, there are no boundaries I can enforce here.

Let's say I inform him I will no longer be waking him up to pick up DD.

On the days he does not get up, DD will be having a panic attack.

Furthermore, he may sleep many hours past school.

The upshot is that he and DD both will blame me. The feeling is that I know it's hard for him. Therefore I am automatically responsible.

Btw, things that are hard or impossible for me, like driving, do not have their responsibility transferred to H. He may drive but I am still responsible for it all, and I owe him an unpayable debt for every grocery shop and doctor's visit, all of which are solely my responsibility.

Anyway, there's nothing to be done. I wish I could at least figure out how to make him feel anything other than completely imperious about it. Like if I exploded at him every time he made his dumb comments, so he felt compelled to stop making them.

But it won't matter to him, he will just be angry and I assume anger is a comfortable and positive emotion for him. If he is angry, then he has done nothing wrong. He can judge his crazy wife and not think at all about his own actions. His anger means he has be wronged, he is a victim, and that's a very nice feeling to him.

If it were just work, I'd be willing to let him lose his job. If he gets fired and does not get another job within one month I'd just have to divorce him I guess. I wouldn't be able to afford to stay married, as simple as that. Of course I can't afford divorce either but it's cheaper than a freeloader.

But DD, I guess I'm going to have to eat a crap sandwich with a smile every weekday for the rest of the school year.

[losingmyself]

Square, I just wonder if you can arrange a ride for DD, either from a friend's parent, or bus, or other public transit.
As if you were doing this all alone, as it seems you are.  I can't imagine the frustration of having another human there in your house, who knows his responsibilities, knows your limitations, and still refuses to help.
So, you let him sleep, and figure something out. When he wakes up and realizes that DD is there, also he missed supper, etc, your response is "Yeah, I took care of it"  Maybe it's a little comfort knowing that at least for now, he's paying some bills, otherwise, he's not even there. Could it be practice for a time when you don't even live with him?
I think it's control, and he likes to know everyone had a tough time because of his actions, or inaction. If you let him see that life isn't impossible without him, he'll 'wake up'
I know he won't change, I have long ago learned not to count on that, but maybe there will be some small satisfaction knowing you took a little bit of power away from him.
Good luck to you and your DD

[Poison Ivy]

 

[square]

Thanks for your reply.

If he wike up and DD was there, he would not even notice. If it crossed his mind he would just assume other arrangements were made and there was no problem. He doesn't eat with us so missing dinner is standard.

A friend's mom takes her to school in the morning and was bringing her home but DD asked to switch to her dad bringing her home - I think because the mom might have sometimes run an errand before nringing her home and DD just wanted to go straight home.

I do not feel okay asking this woman to take on H's parental responsibilities. The arrangement was made directly between DD and her, nothing to do with me or H.

Another thing that infuriates me. The friends get together on Sundays. H drives DD to and fro. He absolutely fumes about having to do "all the driving." I ask him how so? He only does Sundays. At the time this woman was doing all the school driving plus all get-togethers other than Sundays, about two additional days a week. This woman drives DD to the hairdresser AND PAYS FOR IT because hairdressing has been an issue for years.

H says school doesn't count because it's not that far out of the way. We are 1.5 miles out of her way - each way, then twice a day. 6 miles a day. 30 a week. Would I ever hear the end of it if he were driving 6 miles a day out of his way five days a week? I usually say he's BPDish but maybe he's a full on narcissist.

I'm sorry I'm so ranty, I'm at the end of my rope. It's not just this, thigs have just been piling up.

DD refuses the bus. Says it triggers her anxiety. In other cases I'd say she just has to deal but why does everyone else have to pay for H?

And, there's that implication there - that he's "helping" me. Would people think I was "helping" him if I picked DD up from school? It's very interestimg, isn't it?

[square]

Scientists use a number of markers to distinguish the BPD from the non-BPD of the species. One common tell is the "u ok?" text sent from work when the BPD senses its prey might be having a feeling other than total contentment.

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like you have several options for your daughter's problem. The kind lady, the bus, the husband. I tend to be solutions oriented and to me it seems that your daughter is capable of sorting herself out. If she had a lift that picked her up reliably and she chose to cancel that and switch to her father, maybe she wants to experience what it is like to be picked up by her father. I would respect that. She is nearly 18 you write, so maybe it is time for her to experience that decisions have consequences. If there is a bus and she does not want to take it because of anxieties, maybe it is time to face her anxieties. Sounds to me a bit like you are in a situation where your loved ones, daughter, husband, make decisions about their lives and when they don't like the outcome they blame you or expect you to sort them out. I would take a step back and only take responsibility for the decisions I make.

[square]

Interesting, thank you.

Isn't deciding not to wake H something I need to take responsibility for though?

If I told DD, look, I'm not waking your father anymore, so if you're stuck at school don't come crying to me. She would arrange with the friend's mom for a ride (never the bus). And tell the mom "my mom refuses to wake my dad to pick me up from school anymore so can you do it?" And the friend's mom will say "well, that's reasonable, clearly the responsibility falls to me in that case."

How is it possible that there is not one way for the consequences and responsibility to fall to H? How is that physically possible?

DD is taking a sick day today. Therefore I don't need to wake H. Will report back when he wakes up and whether he has any concern over DD if he wakes up "late."

Thing is, if he wakes up late and actually has any feeling of stress over it, his laissez faire attitude will be reinforced when he finds out she stayed home. He will feel like "oh, the wife will wake me if needed, I'm not going to worry about it anymore" (as if he had at all).

[square]

Turns out he had an appointment this morning. He got his own self up - magic! So he knows DD is not at school and will sleep to 7:30pm without a single care.

[hhaw]

Square:

I can't help with controlling your PD, but I do want to share some newly learned,  healthy ways of interacting with my 21 and 19yo daughters I'm glad aI learned.

I've begin releasing outcome and my need to control things....(read that as protect/insulate/save) my daughter's from pain, failure and anxiety.

They're super capable, btw.  I wouldn't know that if I didn't get myself out of their way, which has been difficult, bc I didn't realize I neeeeded them to be OK for ME to be ok. 

I honestly felt that.... believed it... consciously and unconsciously.  This has been a journey in noticing what I'm doing, saying, feeling and asking myself why.....then getting very curious about the answers.....just noticing what comes up.  Sitting still.

It's easier to drop judgment if I replace it with curiosity, btw and banishing judgment helps me see what's beyond strong emotions.....which is my pattern of reactivity.  Reactivity narrows choice, ime.

If I resist or catch the reactivity....I open possibility to responsiveness, which means I have a choice to avoid knee jerk worry worry worry, fix it, savior mode, ime.

So.... I wrote all that to say this:

Stepping back, gaining emotional distance, setting up healthy boundaries in my life with everyone, including my daughter's, has freed me up to let the girls adult in a healthy way.  They respond shockingly well to it.

It's freed me up to know I believe in them and to express that to them instead of fixing/ protecting/ and problem solving for them.

It's been a magic balm to our relationships, how they see themselves and their belief in themselves.

It's not always perfect, but it's new and healthy and about everyone having space to notice and handle what's theirs.

Even if you're saving your H from losing his job....you can choose what you'll do around the dog, DD getting herself home from school, etc.

You have options.

Set boundaries around H keeping a job and remaining married,
or not.

H walking the dog or finding a proper home for the dear animal,
or not.

Allowing DD to resolve her ride home problem.....discuss her options honestly, express confidence she'll figure it out, let her....
or not.

She'll be driving soon.  She's 17yo and CAN learn to calm herself.  Perhaps a good trauma informed Therapist would be helpful to show her how to recognize and reduce anxiety for herself and the rest of her life.

You can't control your H. You can accept and make peace with that,
or not.

You can only control yourself and what you choose. 

Choosing serenity....getting your nose off your PD's character defects is a choice.

Good luck,

[square]

Just a clarification - she's newly 16 and just got her learner's permit. Not an adult yet.

I will think about maybe discussing that dad may not be reliable for pickup and see if she has a backup plan she can live with. Not sure how that can work, though, since her friend's mom will be gone before she knows if her dad is coming, plus the bus will be gone as well.

[Poison Ivy]

There should always be backup plans for transportation.

[square]

Years ago I once took a taxi to pick her up from 7th grade. Very stressful due to my disabilities. I'm vision and hearing impaired. H was unable that time due to real reasons, not because he was snoozing.

So there's backup plans for emergencies - taxi or ask someone to scrap their afternoon plans to help. Not realistic for "H couldn't be bothered" a few times a week. And they all place significant stress on other people, and none on H.

The reality is that me waking up H every day and tolerating his childish games or brain damaged behavior (honestly not sure which is driving him asking me every day why I'm waking him up) is the only reasonable solution, short of H being an adult.

I just wish I could transfer the burden to him somehow.

Maybe I should just absolutely lose it on him every day. Make it incredibly stressful for him to ask me these childish questions. After a week or a month maybe he would learn not to do that? I'd still have to wake him up but maybe he'll stop giving me that look like he's utterly baffled why I'm bothering him?