Keeping away from uBPDH, practical query, short

[AlisonWonder]

Hi Everyone
I haven't posted here for quite a few months but have hit another bad patch I hope you can advise me on.
I want to avoid my husband's company, and I have the option of shifting my microbusiness tasks to the evening,
so I can enjoy the 3 afternoons when he is not home.

Is there a downside to this idea? 

Thanks for reading

[Poison Ivy]

I think this is a good idea.

[square]

How will he react?

[AlisonWonder]

Square I like your question, thank you for asking that, because it made me think.  One time a few years ago I left him alone most of the time and he ended up in hospital from dehydration.  But since then he has "learned" to work on tank and plane models as self-care, and I don't think he will collapse this time.  I could be wrong.

So you've helped me realise that he has in fact made progress with self-awareness and maybe this really is just a stress patch.  I know his work is stressful and he isn't ready to push back at them yet.

Since I know PD people don't tend to grow and change, maybe he just has "traits" now, that would be great.

[square]

Hmm.

I wasn't asking because I thought you should just power through a bad patch. Rather, I was wondering whether the change would escalate issues somehow, and therefore whether you needed to ease into it or have some cover story or something like that.

I don't know your situation or background. Are you a caregiver to your husband?

[AlisonWonder]

Hi Square
I needed a little time to think how to reply, another good question!  Now I can see why you would think that, with me mentioning the deyhdration, but no, it is all self-inflicted, he has a job and commutes and everything, so he can function outside the home.  But he depends on me emotionally just as I depend on him financially,  my dependence is obvious and his is denied.  So when things get bad and I withdraw, its very challenging for  him. 
When I say things get bad, he stops cooperating with my help, for example fiddling with the dishwasher so I can't establish a routine, ignoring food I cook for him, leaving lights on, heaters on, doors unlocked, telling me he will or won't be home on leave and then reversing it without warning, forgetting most of the things I say, struggling to use the television and getting angry about it, getting cold, getting hot, failing to wash, interfering with the garden until I leave him to it, and then not doing it, he just gets chaotic.   I think he starts to need time in his "man cave" but doesn't realise it.  And he hasn't prepared a man cave, so once I finally get the message, I remove myself and practise self-care.  Then he starts to improve, slowly cleans up his act, tries to entice me back to watching tv all evening, rinse and repeat.

We are empty nesters approaching retirement and this is worrying both of us for different reasons.

Sorry, that was long!  But you have helped me think about it just a bit more clearly, thank you!

[square]

If I understood you correctly, HE benefits from some space, as well as you.

Sounds like an excellent idea to create it through a tweak in your schedule.

My H and I avoid each other now but in the beginning he felt rejected so it was rocky for a while.

[AlisonWonder]

Square yes that is very much the case, he really needs time to himself but usually isn't aware of how he is feeling, he thinks it's something I am doing.

I hear you, we want them to be happy, just not at our expense.

[square]

EXACTLY.

[1footouttadefog]

If he won't make a man cave perhaps you need to make a she cave.

Select a room or otherwise create a space of your own where you can engage in your business activity in peace.  It will do you both good.

I can totally relate to you needing those afternoons for yourself and to work during another time.  Sounds like a great plan.