A once close online friend of mine who was an alcholic died.. unsure how to cope

[Sadpeach]

I will be writing something that is heavy and may not be for the faint of heart. Trigger warnings, death, guilt, regret. Long post

I was reading about addiction for one of my courses which reminded me of a once close online friend I had that I drifted apart from who was an alcoholic. I wanted to email him  i have not heard from him in a year and half after getting back in touch for a long while of not talking with him but first out of curiosity, I looked him up and to my dismay, he died! i don't know the reason but i wouldn't be surprised if it was from alcohol overdose, he was 41 the common age range where alcoholics die. The university where he works at, posted of his passing and had links to reach out for staff and students who were affected by his passing. There was some links that i think was for anyone to reach out and i really want to do. My heart felt like it ripped in half reading that. I feel tempted to reach out but i think it just for staff and students. but i do not know, maybe its worth a shot. not to mention he was from the UK and im in America. They had very kind words about him describing him a kind, loving, and compassionate colleague. It put me to tears,. i found another site where i saw his family and friends posting about his passing and donating to site dedicated to family of addicts and their sad condolences which made me cry even more. He was loved and cared for, but sadly he didn't feel that way due to his addiction/mental health.

He was not a bad person... .  just deeply troubled... we bonded over mutual interests and issues we had (minus the addiction part) . He said how he goes crazy with grief if he felt he hurt someone ( i am the same), he said especially towards me because we are both close and very sensitive and anxious people. i never had anyone tell me that or went that level to make sure my feelings were not hurt.

How i met him: I was 19 years old ( 26 now) on a social anxiety forum with other members there and made a few friends. He was one of them. I remember the day, he sent a friendly 'Hi " and we began chatting. He was a man in his early 30s , now I know a lot of people will raise an eyebrow about this, but to start he did not know my gender or age when he messaged me and we just chatted about regular stuff and found we had a bit in common and he seemed fun/cool to talk with. He also openly admitted his substance abuse problem which during the time i didnt judge him for it and tried to be understanding, he seemed like a nice person overall. When i told him my age, he even asked me if i minded being friends with someone who was bit older/ He was not creepy or predatory , he was a decent person for the most part and we had some things in common. He even helped me remotely twice with a computer issue I was having free of charge and nothing expected in return.

We sometimes watched movies online together and made commentary and that was fun...at least when he was sober and coherent.  I noticed later on the more i spoke with him, the more that he was appearing  more and more drunk and delusional during our conversations, It almost felt like at times he thought we were couple at times.... saying ''its a date, we can watch a movie and eat lunch together... if you would like?" and ''I can hold your hand if the movie gets too scary for you''   'when streaming an online movie and said ''i love to enjoy the future with you''' after i confronted him about my annoyance with him drunk and how i cannot talk to him in that state, all these responses were when he was drunk., yet when sober treated me more like a friend... It confused the heck out of me.  Well one time when sober he told me that he was not trying to hit on me but had to tell me how he thought I was perfect and how he never knew a girl who liked the same movies he did or into his interests and how i was like one in a million...... at the time i thought it was sweet but now i think he just was lonely.... I knew  I had to distance myself from him eventually.. He seemed very clingy with me as well, but so was I. If I didn't respond he would think i didn't want to talk to him anymore and left me sad emojis or worried if something happened to me. I noticed that i started to start really worrying for this person too, if he did not reply i would be scared he died from an overdose or something. I grew to be really attached to this person and grew to care for him, as he if he were my brother

I was able to tell when he was drunk or sober after a while, he said strange things that didnt make sense when drunk obviously, called me a bitch once then said he was joking after i came on late on SKYPE. i dont think he woulda called me that when sober. I still didnt like it. After i confronted him on how i felt about his drunk behavior,  Said he would love to spend the future with me and hoped i was ok and how family and friends mean the most to him and then other incoherent things in a series of emails it was after when i confronted him how i didnt like talking to him when drunk  and how i annoyed I was with it and not sure if i could carry on this friendship and wished him good luck.

Then im guessing when sobered up he didnt remember and sent me some guilt tripping emails and how he felt sick reading what i wrote and how he just wants to feel well and how he considered me one of his closest friends and that he would always be my friend whether I liked it or not. He said he refused to let our friendship fall out and thought our friendship was amazing and how he was not giving up, that last line honestly made me laugh. but then a few days later sent an email apologizing and was honest with me and told me i deserved to know the truth and that he was drunk and how the other times he was sober with me and how he enjoyed my company and preferred to stay inside and chat/stream a movie with me than hang out with his friends who also drink/do drugs since he didnt have friend who didnt use., how i been very amazing and supportive about his issue and non judgemental. how i didnt realize how much that meant to him. How a kind hearted individual like me was willing to provide such positivity into his life . How he felt horrible that a friendship would end like this and how he lost his girlfriend, nearly his life before, his job, and how he didnt want to lose his friendship with me and how i meant a lot to him and how he was an idiot for destroying something amazing and how he felt awful. He practically begged me to respond. He desperately didn't want us to end on bad terms and he felt so horrible about it. How no matter what i thought about him, he would always think i was an incredible individual with a heart of gold, how i meant a lot to help, distracted him from his demons, how i added so much positivity to his life.How so sorry he was for ruining my evening. How amazing i was that despite knowing his problem, i was always non judgmental. I saw this message again after i looked at all our messages after knowing his passing and choking back my tears

I talked to him again after that i appreciated the very kind words he said about me . though i knew he was drunk again the next time we chatted but i didnt want to hurt him again so i didnt say anything again and tried to be supportive and patient as possible. It was agonizing. Then not long after he got fired from his job due to his alcohol issues, he sent me pictures of his termination letters. He told me he was so hurt and angry at his bosses for terminating him and felt he was unfairly accused  but from reading the letter..... I It turned out that actually did have a lot of chances to get help he was offered assistance programs, 24/hour watch, had a key worker, was given a chance to have time off while working his issues out and denied all the help. He still clearly was in denial until he realized he was gonna lose his home then finally admitted he had a problem and was going to rehab.

Another thing i felt bad about. I said maybe i would sent a letter to him in rehab, but i never ended up doing it. he assured me he would not leave without saying goodbye and how this friendship was valuable to him and i already was distancing myself from him.  . I  think i just caused him more pain and confusion.

By then i was beyond exhausted, didnt really trust him anymore and felt my mental health was spiraling because i was investing way too much and got too attached to this person in a very unhealthy way that i couldnt function or live my life normally because i was too worried for him. I didnt know what to do or how could i approach this situation.

i knew i had to be distant, i didnt know how to tell him this, Which got him confused and sent me emails since he was worried about me or thought i didnt want to speak to him and left me his rehab address as he promised and hoped to speak with me when he got out of rehab. He told me he valued our friendship and would not leave without saying goodbye and never dreamed of not saying goodbye to me. I am so cruel and was selfish, i didn't check my emails or the forums during the time because I was trying to recover myself from the constant exhaustion, codependency, and confusion. I should have at least told him something but again i was a weak 19 year old. I may have caused  hurt and confusion

But it GOT to me, i sorta faded without saying bye for a while and came back very late, while he was acting like the better friend by always letting me know what was going on because he knew i was worried about him. im just a horrible and disgusting person. I still regret to this day for not being more open and being distant because i was a coward. because at the time he hoped he could talk to me when he is finished in rehab. We did at least.

Since two years later, i improved a little bit and wondered about him and logged back into the site. I didnt see any reply to what i wrote to him after he went to rehab. So i logged off shortly afterwards. Two years later, i logged in again and realized he did send me a message but he sent me a simple hey its been long time how are things because he was online and saw me online. i didnt even notice that. I felt so bad since i logged back into the website a year and a half later and only realized till then. I replied and to my surprise he sent another message, he was so delighted to hear from me again, he told me how his life gone in a positive direction, how he got a job he loved, i got excited for him too and nearly jumped for joy when i heard that. . He wanted to exchange emails or numbers. I gave him my email. He emailed me and also gave me his number in case i wanted to text him. I emailed back i preferred email. I, asking him how was everything, how i was proud of him, explaining myself and how i was sorry i was not in touch and was more open . How i believed in him and knew he could succeed. I didnt ever get a reply from back. It surprised me, he seemed so eager to speak with me but only gave me small details of how he was but looking back at his last message, i suspected something i try to push away in my mind, that he been drinking again. I know its crazy to say through email, but after talking with him long enough, i sort of recognized the pattern

I could feel myself slipping back into my old self and i didnt send him another email because not just from being preoccupied with school but i could see myself losing myself again and on the roller coaster of worry. I didnt want to stress him out by constantly asking him if he was ok. So i had to be strong and just finally let go and care for him from a distance. After i finished my semester, i checked my email again and still no reply. That was last year. This year, i decided to look him up and it turns out he died this January My heart felt it ripped open when i saw that. I gasped,How could it be! We talked almost 2 years ago and it seemed everything was going for the good. I thought, This cannot be happening. But i had a nagging feeling deep down he was still drinking and struggling. I knew i couldnt do anything to help, even if i did give him positive support and kind words, that would not changed the chemicals in his brain that desired his next drink, no amount of words can help that.

I spent most of the night crying and crying, felt like i could not breathe, waking up in the middle of night with panic attacks, feeling like my heart was ripping in half. The least i could do was leaving a RIP message and hoping he was a better place on his profile page. I knew someday this would happen, and there some guilt in me, of not being more in touch with him and not talking to him for years because i was selfish. i was scared to be close with and getting attached with him again because of his addiction issues, i didnt want my codependency to take over me again and thought it would be easier to detach so if he were to die it would be easier to process but still if not more painful because now i have a lot of regret. but i didnt want to leave on bad terms with him again, so im glad at least me and him left on a good note before his passing. Or else the guilt would have been unbearable for me right now

I am so sorry i wrote so much. I just been in shock, guilt, regret, wishing he could come back. Regretting so much for not trying harder to reach him, he probably stopped reaching out to me because he felt i didnt want to speak with him anymore. I have no idea. Despite it all, i saw he was a decent person on the inside who did care for others and had HUGE regrets, and wish to rewind time and do it all over again, he just let his demons take over. He told me once 'i think i was born an addict'' that stuck out to me,

I have a counselor and been talking to her about this. i do not think i can go through this grief process without some sort of professional help. She told me it was normal to feel grief and how i experienced a loss, no matter if it was toxic, it still was a loss and someone i once close with at a time. I also broke things off with another friend and that was still hard. Losing two friends in a year is so tough From what you read,

did you think i do a bad thing by slowly distancing myself from him and just not talking to him for years? I feel bad for sorta ghosting him and then coming back after like 4 or 5 years to check if he was doing ok. I know it was not healthy friendship really... and yet i still worried and cared for this person who was struggling so and wanted them to be happy. Despite all the conflicts, i am still very sad this person died....  he had so much potential.... It just such a sad ending....

At least he is in a better place now .

[bloomie]

Hi there Sadpeach. Welcome to Out of the FOG.

It sounds like a roller coaster of a ride, this friendship that has ended with heartbreak. I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a friend we have had to distance ourselves from.

It is a sign of emotional intelligence and self awareness to distance ourselves from the unpredictable and hurtful behaviors of a friend who is addicted to alcohol. You rightly recognized that you could not change or help this person by allowing him to mistreat you or treat you so inconsistently.

I hope that you will be comforted by the good memories you have and, in time, find peace and be able to take forward the good things you shared as friends.

A suggestion for you would be to check out Al-Anon family groups where you will find others who are, or who have, experienced the turmoil of a loved one who is addicted to alcohol and the destructive patterns of behavior that are encountered.

Here is a link where in case you are interested in that type of support: https://al-anon.org

Wishing you much strength going forward as you process this loss.

[Sadpeach]

Hello Bloomie,

Thank you for your kind words, it was def a wild ride. He was the quite the character....maybe his unusual persona is what intrigued me but It was quite depressing to talk with someone constantly drunk and in not in reality, and treating me inconsistently  even if he did apologize and told me he felt very bad about it...i think it hurt more to speak with him knowing he was drunk but the guilt i faced from faded away from him was heartbreaking.  i still regret that no matter how many times i tell myself i was protecting myself.

I do feel bit of sorrow that our reunion was so shortlived , i do not know what happened to him after he didnt hear from him after only one email but most likely he seeped deep into his addiction problem again, isolating himself. I knew i could not keep up the tug of war game, and if he is going to so inconsistent, then it maybe it was better to let go and just love from afar. I did also come across a few pictures of him recently that his friends posted in his honor. It was so errie and so saad to see, i never seen a picture of him,  he looked quite young, about 18 or 19/ or even 20. and i noticed he looked sad, in a daze and possibly drunk, he was holding  beer mug :/ i found that very haunting actually,.. that very substance he was holding would be the cause of his death i came across another picture of him, that looked recent, and he looked drastically different, addiction and age can really change how someone looks! Again i saw the struggle and sadness there, i felt I very sad he couldnt find true happiness in his life.  He was so loved and adored by many yet he felt so alone... . I understand his loneliness and his pain maybe thats why we bonded so quick  and understood each other. At least i had some closure with him  with  our last messages ,

at least our last messages were positive ones, and whatever reason he didnt get back to me i try not to take it personally or try to think that maybe he felt i didnt want to talk to him, but he could have felt shame for going back to drinking again... whatever it is, i am not angry or disappointed

I was thinking of reaching out to the university who posted of his passing and links for support on what happened to him and how exactly how he died or his friends on Facebook for some closure, do you think thats a good idea?

I just like to think he is finally at peace and no longer suffering from his demons.. RIP Andrew