Just...tired

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losingmyself

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Just...tired
« on: October 13, 2021, 04:37:18 PM »
Do you ever get to the point of feeling like you just can't do it anymore? Put on the happy face, smile, claim that everything is ok, just to keep the peace? Honestly, it's exhausting.
Today, I feel like that. And I don't know how to handle it. I don't even have the energy to make myself feel better, I just don't care enough.
Earlier, during our 15 minute break, in which I am required to answer every text within a minute, or I'm doing something nefarious, H said that the kid he works with said that he just saw me drive by. To me, it was ridiculous, because I'm at work, so I said something jokingly, smart-ass. Whatever.
At lunch, I said, "so the kid saw me drive by earlier, hu?" Thought we'd have a laugh about it. H didn't laugh, he just said "yeah" I said something like "Funny, because I was at work" And I get a snort and an eye roll, like "Yeah right."  This is my life.
I'm just so tired of it. So, so tired of it. I wish I could run away.
Do I just wallow in my self pity for the day?  Days, months, years go by, and it's all the same. Tomorrow I'll have energy to put my fake smile back on, and there goes another day. I'm not getting any younger.

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escapingman

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Re: Just...tired
« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2021, 05:13:36 PM »
I am there, I had enough. I have no energy. I want my life back. I met with a solicitor today, maybe you should too?

I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through.

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losingmyself

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Re: Just...tired
« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2021, 06:21:36 PM »
Thanks, E.M.
I have been following your story, and my heart surely goes out to you. I wish all the best for you, and I am so happy you are moving forward. I am definitely cheering for you!
Although my situation isn't as severe as yours, it's nice to have people who can understand how it feels to live like this.
I don't know if I am at the place where I will contact a lawyer yet. I need to gain some more strength, and maybe talk to someone in person. I am just not there yet. 
God bless, and thank  you, and good luck moving forward. Remember, we're all in your corner!

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Lauren17

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Re: Just...tired
« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2021, 02:57:07 AM »
I’m tired, too.
I just want to hide in bed all day.
But I keep getting up and doing what I need to do.
It’s exhausting.
Maybe some self care today?
I’ve cried a thousand rivers. And now I’m swimming for the shore” (adapted from I’ll be there for you)

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SonofThunder

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Re: Just...tired
« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2021, 10:02:52 AM »
Losingmyself,

Im so sorry you deal with your husband’s questioning of you.  My wife is very similar. I also find that the type of questioning behavior you describe is a trigger for me, causing me to feel immediately physically exhausted and my thoughts race, so i feel mentally exhausted as well.  Those feelings come over me in a rush and just this past week, it happened and i was so drained, i just laid down on the carpet in my office and stared at the ceiling, in mindfulness of the rush of frustration that had swept over me. 

That morning, I had departed my home for my office, but had to run by the post office and the package store to pick up mail and parcels that arrived.  Upon arriving at my second stop, i reached out by phone to my adult married daughter who has recently moved to another town.  I sat in my vehicle and joyfully talked to her for almost an hour and it was wonderful, relaxing and invigorating. 

Just before departing that second stop, my uPDw called me to ask a general question and inquired about background noise she could hear on the phone.  “Where are you??”  (The anger races up inside me). 

For decades, that question has always been the “…I'm doing something nefarious” (in which you wrote) and is followed up by other questions, until she gets tired and frustrated at my short boring replies, all of which are truth, but the E in J.A.D.E. 😞😡. 

Its one of those things that has happened SO much in my marriage, that its automatic that i go into immediate defense mode; my body tenses, my heart races, my anger surges. Followed by immediate exhaustion and mind-circling anger at myself for answering the question at all vs the ‘click’ of silence  But i know that if truthful, MC replies aren’t given, i will face DAYS of silent treatment, situational and time manipulation as punishment.  I must choose the lesser of two evils

My racing thoughts of a reply are;

“wherever i want to be.”
“not still in bed like you, b/c someones got to work to pay for all this shit!!”
“Just finished my morning orgy with a harem of lustful ladies”
“I already have a mother..”
“meeting my lawyer about an upcoming divorce”.

But instead, i  reply in boredom “at the package store”.  She says “you left an hour and a half ago???”  I repeat the smart-ass replies in my head, followed by “ive got multiple places to go and just taking my sweet time….what are you up to?”   Her reply ignores my question saying “that seems like a awful long time to do those errands”.   I end with “ok”.   She now knows when i say “ok”, im done.  She clams up in frustration and says goodbye. I dont mention the chat with my daughter because that leads to circular prying questions regarding the topics of our conversation. 

Since coming Out of the FOG, ive been hyper-aware of her hypocrisy and deflection/projection.  What ive learned over time is whatever lewd thing she is mentally considering I could be doing, she is actually doing herself, or something else she wants to hide. Her questions are pure cover; cover to distract me and cover in her own mind to ease her own guilt by her deflection/projection. 

Therefore, shes probably been lounging in pj’s that morning (or even the night prior), secretly looking again into all her old high school and college crush’s pics on Facebook, prying into their adult lives,wives,kids, hobbies and interests on other social media, wondering whether they regret not choosing her, since she blossomed into a beautiful voluptuous woman.

Meanwhile, i get “where are you??” and a firestorm of chemical surge in my body and brain.  Ahhh….life with a BPD/NPD wife.  Just lovely.  Well, i think ill go lay on the floor again and stare at the ceiling, cataloguing all the additional smart-ass replies i could use next time, but wont… 🤔. 

SoT
« Last Edit: October 17, 2021, 10:15:02 AM by SonofThunder »
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

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escapingman

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Re: Just...tired
« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2021, 10:15:01 AM »
I don't want to hijack this thread, but I must ask.

SoT: You are Out of the FOG, you know what games are being played, you know your wife has a PD. Why are you putting yourself through this? Your children are grown up and have moved out if I understand you correct? I am sorry to ask, but why are you not leaving?

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SonofThunder

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Re: Just...tired
« Reply #6 on: October 17, 2021, 10:48:38 AM »
I don't want to hijack this thread, but I must ask.

SoT: You are Out of the FOG, you know what games are being played, you know your wife has a PD. Why are you putting yourself through this? Your children are grown up and have moved out if I understand you correct? I am sorry to ask, but why are you not leaving?

Yes, i dont want to hijack either.  So, some short answers for your side-topic inquiry and then i will be returning to the thread topic of ‘Just….tired’.

1. Im self employed, have enjoyed success, and am greatly appreciative of the gift of continued business success and will not sabotage the gift by a divorce at this time. My adult children are both married.   

2. I have a friend who had a similar situation and his BPD wife with her team of highly paid, determined female-rights lawyers, drained his decades of hard work and everything involved, to inflict maximum hurt.  He even had to defend himself from false criminal accusation. The courts in the region in which i live, mainly side with the wife, if the husband departs without his wife’s infidelity or a police/court-determined ‘abuse’ on her part or other illegal action in the mix.  None of which I have to use.

3. Have you ever read a book on divorcing a BPD in a complex divorce situation with a stack of complicated assets?  Its disturbing. 

4. I have many families (my employees) that will be gravely affected by a divorce at this time.  The 50% rule is that 50% of why i am married to my BPD/NPD wife is my fault.  The other families..0% fault.  I will not pass any of my 50% to the other families.

Therefore i have personally chosen to remain married and have a longer-range, careful business and financial plan that is unfolding as I planned. I am carefully using the toolbox to protect myself as best possible during the span and mostly removed myself from being her full-time  ‘supply’ other than her various attempts like i mentioned above.  She needs full supply from somewhere and im not responsible regarding from where that’s obtained.  So either i carry out my plan to shield myself and the families, or the max-hurt threat is greatly reduced because of wrongful action on my wife's part.

I believe every person here on OOTF has a particular set of circumstances to deal with and choose regarding.  I do not judge anyone for staying or departing, but rather desire for all of us, in camaraderie, to be fully educated, aware and mentally healthy as possible, so that each of us can make any necessary personal decisions. 

In the meantime, dealing with my BPD/NPDwife is a total energy drain, as losingmyself discussed. 

SoT
« Last Edit: October 17, 2021, 11:01:50 AM by SonofThunder »
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

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escapingman

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Re: Just...tired
« Reply #7 on: October 17, 2021, 12:25:55 PM »
Thanks for clarifying SoT, that makes perfect sense to me. I am in a very similar situation, BUT with kids..... Since I successfully implemented the toolbox my uNPDw has made the children her main supply and are absolutely ruining their life's. I therefor came to the  conclusion I have no longer anything to lose and therefor started the process of exiting the marriage.

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SonofThunder

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Re: Just...tired
« Reply #8 on: October 17, 2021, 03:42:42 PM »
Escapingman,

It truly is difficult to live with a PD spouse and so emotionally and physically draining.  I understand you have decided to make your exit at this time and also understand how utterly tiring it will be. 

As losingmyself opening post stated: “I don't even have the energy to make myself feel better, I just don't care enough.”   Like her, you are not alone in your experiences.  I wish you and all those here going through a divorce, wishes of hope and empowerment.   

Luckily there are many here on OOTF that can speak from the other side of the very tiring divorce experience, and when/if its my future time, will lean heavily on the words of those here that have walked that part of the trail ahead of me. 

SoT
« Last Edit: October 17, 2021, 03:44:38 PM by SonofThunder »
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

*

losingmyself

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Re: Just...tired
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2021, 11:19:15 AM »
SoT-“Just finished my morning orgy with a harem of lustful ladies”
“I already have a mother..”
These comebacks made me laugh! Thank you!  Although, I would get yelled at for being a smart-ass, even though it's totally something he would say.
EM, I am happy to be part of a conversation between adult humans, so in no way do I ever feel like the thread has been hijacked. Thanks for reading my post. It's nice to feel heard.
If you asked me the same question you asked SoT, I would not have an answer for you. I am just too weak to get up and out. I have always thought to myself that there would be a boundary that he violated and I would go, but those boundaries keep getting crossed, and I stay, because it's just easier.