I feel like a loser

[MarlenaEve]

Hi. I need some support.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 39 years old. While I was home, it just hit me. I'll be 39, OMG!!!! I didn't realize how worried I was about my age. I am so worried and terrified I am worried that I'll never hit my goals, I'll never have a family (I'm single and have only 2 friends) and I'll never go anywhere in my career. I tried so hard to get a job in my field and got snubbed and ghosted for so many times. I can't take the job rejections anymore.
I can't take the feeling that maybe I'll not get married or have the family of choice I want.

What if I'll still be in contact with my family a year from now. 2 years from now, 4 years
What if I'll still be looking for work and none of my goals will materialize...

I don't even hope to find a guy and settle down because I seem to attract either narcissists or emotionally unavailable partners.

I just feel like I haven't achieved anything at my age and haven't done the things I wanted (which is true)-all the things that I wanted to achieve I couldn't achieve because of my internal fears of rejection and of not being good enough.

Has anyone else gone through this at 39 and did you get better after you went NC with FOO? Did you manage to achieve your goals and have a family of choice?

[Hepatica]

Dear MarlenaEve,

I think for many of us when we reach an age that's on the precipice of a new decade we consciously and unconsciously take stock. Where are we? What have we achieved? Because our brains often focus on what we worry about, we tend to think of what we haven't yet achieved. Maybe sit down and write what you have achieved. Look at your resume. Write down everything good that's happened.

It's also hard to not feel pressured by the outer society of what success looks like, marriage, great job, children etc. These things are applauded. But they're really only constructs. They're not real. Because what really makes me happy for instance, is laughter and creativity and simply enjoying nature, and helping a friend.

In the next year maybe focus on what it is that truly makes you feel joy, meaning and healing, and take concrete steps toward those things. I read that so many people say those are the things they wished they had spent more time focussing on when they are on their death beds, rather than their jobs, or the expectations thrown on them by the outer culture.

Separate what is a true desire from what is a cultural expectation. Follow what truly brings you joy and peace. The world is in such pain right now and I think it needs all of us to slow down, reassess, and heal.

[Poison Ivy]

  I turn 60 next week, and oh, has this been a tough year for me. I feel like I'm going to fall off a cliff in a few days!

[moglow]

Stop judging yourself! Anytime we see ourselves through others' eyes, it's not good. Those numbers honestly don't mean a thing other than what we give them.

Maybe refocus and rethink the "I can't/won't," break away from the "I should/ought to ..." Look at the I CAN and I DID and the next step forward. Understand there will be steps back, a cha cha, if you will. Accept that and keep on moving forward, learning as you go. You can choose to beat yourself up OR lift yourself up [I do both on the regular but getting better at lifting!!]. Try to break those goals into smaller steps, so you can tick off each and see where you have progressed.

As the old saying goes: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.


[And BTW, I'm 59, bought my first home last year. At 39 I was deeply unhappy with my my job, where I lived, my family relationships, etc. With MYSELF. I hit a really rough patch that forced me to rethink a whole lot of things and snatched me up out of that pit. Hit another patch later BUT I learned!]

[Hattie]

I'm 40 and just to say I relate. It is a difficult age for women because of the whole fertility thing. I was so worried about it, I froze my eggs a couple of years ago. But similarly don't know what I will do about a partner as I have only dated narcissists

I'm doing a lot of therapy and hoping it pays off eventually but goodness knows it isn't a quick fix.

I agree with the poster who said that true happiness probably does lie more in the little things than in hitting certain milestones as such.

Bear in mind that if a family is what you want, there are all sorts of ways to achieve that these days, even at an older age.

[escapingman]

Ok, I am a man but here goes (I am in my forties).

I got children, wife, house, money, car, great job. I got it all. I am sure many around me are jealous.

But....

I also got ABUSE.....

I trade all of the rest in for a stop of the abuse (except my children of course).

How things looks from the outside is nothing to how it might be on the inside.

[Associate of Daniel]

Do we really need to set goals?  This is something I've been contemplating lately.

I'm 51.  I've never had a career. I have a less than average house which I thankfully own, largely due to the financial support of my FOO. I have a failed marriage to an uNPD behind me and no other relationship before or since.  I earn less than the average income through pretty much dead end jobs.

I have no imagination or ambition in terms of goal setting.  I never have.  I've often beat myself up over it... comparing myself with others, particularly my very rich, intelligent and go getting sister.

But. I'm content working in my quiet little world.  I know that I touch the lives of my students and their parents.  If anything, that's my goal:  To be nice.  To be a soft landing each day for them and my family, colleagues and friends.

It's hard on some days.  I become rather depleted filling others' buckets up all day and no one at home to fill mine at the end of it.

But no fancy car, house, holiday or bank account can replace the joy of having contentment in having my fundamental needs met and meeting a fundamental need of others.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say really.

Maybe just suggesting we don't put pressure on ourselves to "perform" at a level we're not capable of or particularly wanting.

We are all created with different abilities and personalities, each with our individual roles in life. We don't all have to live a "wow" existence.

Perhaps our goal should be contentment with our own personalities and ability levels.

I don't know.  I'm rambling.

AOD

[frogjumpsout]

AOD, that's beautiful and comforting. Thanks for posting!

MarlenaEva, I often feel like a loser, too. Were you often called a loser (or something like it) as you were growing up? I know I often was, especially at the times when I was most outwardly successful! As people on these boards might guess, this is not actually a weird irony: I was supposed to be the family loser, so they punished me when I broke out of that role.

I went NC about a year ago, and I am starting to feel better. When I hear those internal voices now, I'm better able to comfort myself.

[Hattie]

Such a good point, frogs jump out. We were scapegoated and programmed to feel like losers by our FOO

[MarlenaEve]

Thanks to everyone who contributed to this thread. It's few days now since my bday and I don't feel like a loser anymore. I had a lovely solo birthday going to places I love and doing things I love to do. That's when I realized I am really happy with myself and I'm really proud of how much I've grown regarding my self-love levels. The feeling like a loser came from society's expectations but from my own internal pressure as well.

Frog jumps out-No, I wasn't called a loser as a child BUT I was always told to get the best grades and be the best to succeed. Anything less than the best was not acceptable. I was often compared with other students and was told what I did was not good enough. You're incapable of doing that, you don't have the skills, life is hard so yeah, you can't always succeed. These were the words that circulated in our house. Me and brother 1 both had international master's degrees, high grades and small achievements and that was not good enough for our abusive caretakers.

Hepatica. Yes, I'll write that list with my achievements. I think it will help because I know there are few and I often minimize them. Focusing on what brings me joy sounds like a good plan. You're right. It's better to feel happy and not do big things in the world.

Posion Ivy-Happy Belated Birthday for this week! I think 60 is a wise age. Hopefully, you will feel better about your age and if not, know that your feelings are valid.

moglow-thanks for the tough love. I do want to choose self-love and encouragement. And I am choosing that now.

Hattie. My desire is to have a family of choice but not children. Deep down I want to find a great guy but my former experience with narcissists makes me weary of meeting new people. But this is a problem of maybe 90% of the population, right? Everyone out there is more reluctant to start dating and meeting someone after toxic relationships.

escapingman-I am sorry you have to deal with abuse! And you are right-things look so different from the outside. I often assume that people who have their families already made are so happy and carefree. But of course they aren't. In this sense, I am glad I am taking my time to meet someone new. There are many issues inside of me that are still unresolved which make me an easy 'prey' to PD partners.

Associate of Daniel. Thank you for your perspective. I like how dedicated you are to your work and make the most of it even though it's not the highest paying job. It's so important to feel like you're doing something meaningful in this world and I don't think achieving a goal is more important than this. Your goal of being nice is awesome. I guess in this sense, I've achieved my goal. There are also many goals I want to achieve (because I know I'm capable and I have the skills for it) but I'm gonna be kinder to myself and stop comparing my life with the lives of people who were not born in PD families. (it's easy to fall in that 'trap')

I wish I can express how much your answers touched me, but I can't. <3

When you're alone with your thoughts, it's easy to fall into that negativity and self-talk trap. And then you miss the whole picture, the experiences that made you who you are. Growing up with PD people makes you take yourself and all your minor or major successes for granted.

[tragedy or hope]

To me, 39 is youth. Many days ahead to make decisions, see opportunities and take them or decide on new adventures.

Whether you believe there is a God or a Universe that leads your path... one or the other has a place in your life. If we resist, we get confronted with problems, obstacles etc. The only thing we can control is our reaction to the world and the people in it. Control is the real issue. We do have choice.

Many, many choices are still available to you. Health and time are on your side. Don't fret. 39 is a beautiful age to be a whole person, come to some conclusions about how you would like your life to be and look for opportunities when doors open.

I find it endearing to hear that you are in a place to feel overwhelmed by your age. You seem so young to me.. As I have gotten older, i realize it is a number, BUT... age also prohibits certain opportunities by virtue of society and norms. You have many years before that becomes an issue.

Happy Belated Birthday! Celebrate all the positives in your life all this week. Celebrate that you matter whether all your desires and goals are met or not.
I hope you will look forward to new horizons and not back on what you have not done because you have 1/2 of life yet to do it. 

[1footouttadefog]

39 is young.  It's about the age I came out if the fog. 

Think about all the military career folks who retire from the first career then start a second at this age.

Maybe view it as a time to regroup and embark on a new carrier, path, journey.   Many become empty nester at about this age.  Something about 40. 

Maybe separating work from the rest of your goals and needs will make things easier.  Hitting the reset in one area while remaining stable in another gives time to adjust and transition.

I, at some point, viewed work mostly as a means of income.  I was able to make head way on other goals as long as I worked at what ever type of jobs.  Eventually my goals shifted and I would get employment around managing my other life areas.

I was a natural science major. This got sidetracked as pdh had job problems. I was at times sabatoged from progress.  I did not see this until much later.  At some point I reinvented myself into a other field so all the other areas of life could tick nicely, When the kids came along I reinvented myself once again in an even different field.

Now I am embarking on an entirely new and unrelated type of work.

I hope you find an approach that work for you and let's you meat your goals.  I just encourage you to take hard long looks at your goals and sift them and keep only those things that are joyfully yours, while eliminating those things that were written in your brain by pd influences.

I found that I had unfinished stuff that I no longer actually needed to finish or pursue because it was never mine to start with.  Getting rid of such burdens freed up energy and creativity for the new at 40ish me.  I became okay with not carrying the back then me forward.

A out the time I cam Out of the FOG we had just moved.  Many family members and friends became unavailable to me. Others were identified as toxic.  It was a tough time and finding a chosen family was a blessing. 

I am glad to read you are past some of the 39blues.  Take care of you and be you, and that includes the time line. 

You also get to determine what success is. 

I can remember many days when I had both kids in bed and the house was a mess, and the cars were cluttered and groceries needed put up, and I was tired and thinking to myself, all are warm, fed, clean and sleeping peacefully. Success!!!