Out of body experience

[escapingman]

So yesterday I went to see a solicitor, told her everything. Today I went to see a doctor, told her everything. When both were showing how horrified they were and showing real concern about the severity of the abuse, I could just not take it in. I was just telling them about my day to day life. Then it hit me when the doctor says she has to report this to social and then also strongly suggest she also reports this to the police. I am not sure I really was ready for this, but hey there is no backing now. Social will come knocking and stbx will absolutely lose her head, I am actually quite worried about what she will do. In certain ways I hope she attacks me and give me black eyes and then I can call the cops, but at the same time I obviously don't want her full blown raging. But when sitting there talking to the doctor, I felt like I was outside my body looking at some bad movie where I was the star act. I couldn't really believe I was actually talking to someone about the abuse.

Wish me luck, this will get ugly.

[square]

That's adreniline and cortisol. Your body getting ready for a fight and possible trauma. One effect is dissociation, where you feel somewhat outside of your own body. (It could also manifest in feeling like the world isn't real). I have experienced that and it's scary but also a good thing because you are on full alert when stuff gets real.

One foot in front of the other. You can do this.

When is your next solicitor appt? Can you move it up? A phone meeting, even?

Get your questions in order. Can you take the kids or at least SG before filing? What other questions do you have?

Even if you can't use it in court consider recording even more now that stuff is about to go down.

You can do this.

[escapingman]

It is definitely something pumping round in my blood as I am constantly shaking. I got myself a big whiskey to be able to sleep last night. No difference today, same shakes. Realised a couple of times yesterday I lost my memory completely and didn't really know what I was doing. Also almost no recollection of what was talked about with the doctor, it's like it's just a blur.

Had a missed call from the police this morning, looks like they are taking it seriously as they left message they want to talk to me ASAP.

I know stbx will try to lie, manipulate and put the blame on me. She will probably bring episodes of when I had fleas, but that's many years ago and I was deep into the FOG believing her reality. But I have reached the end of it, I have nothing to lose as nothing can be worse than it is. If we both lose the children so be it, they are better off without her and that's all I care about right now.

My solicitor will be away next week, when she is back we will push on. If it escalates and something needs to be done before one of her colleagues will be able to step in. My first thought when speaking to the solicitor was to try to just get everything done as soon as possible and as nice as possible. I don't think I can do that, I don't think I can trust stbx to have the children any prolonged times. She is unreliable and her mood turns as you flick a switch. She bully the kids, turn them against each other and hits them in her uncontrollable rages. All denied afterwards of course.

I am not sure I am strong enough for this, I am on the verge of a collapse.

[Boat Babe]

Hi EM and here's a big cyber hug for you. You, and the children, are in the heart of the shit storm and it's just awful.

You need to get all the emotional and practical support you can during this critical period. Your children need you to stay upright through this so that you can support them, so self care as you go through this.

Remember to breathe. Lots.

[losingmyself]

EM, you have been incredibly strong the last, how many years?! You just don't realize it, because it felt more like survival.
Take BB's advice, breathe. And something different now is that you have people, IRL, who are willing to help you. You are no longer alone in this fight. It will get uglier, but you have to get through the storm to get to peace.
Look at it this way, what you are going through now is toward a goal. There is an end to this, where maybe there wasn't one before. Keep your eye on that.
There's a book that I have heard recommended, call Splitting by Randy Kreiger and Bill Eddie. I don't know if I spelled those right, but it is supposed to help you through this process.
Be strong, as we all know you are.
Sending you good thoughts!

[Lauren17]

EM, I have recent, first hand experience with telling people  how bad things have been. I shook for a while, too.
It's terrifying.
I'm proud of you for speaking up, for seeking help.
Wishing you continued strength.

[escapingman]

Thank you all so much for your kind messages.

Police never called back today, but Social Services did. Spoke to a lady about this, was a bit tricky as had to be in the garden pretending it was a work call as the rest of the family was home. I think, but I am not sure, that they could be of good help backing a non molestation order, if I get them on my side. If not, they could probably be a difficult obstacle. I am going to have a meeting with someone from there next week, that will be so much better as I am not the best at phone calls. Stbx tried some kind of love bombing today but I just felt disgust, I am in the same house but that just because I have to. If I can keep everybody involved on my side, the Police, Social Services, Doctor and Solicitor I might be able to stand strong. Oh, next team member is going to be a Therapist but not made that call yet. I suppose having arranged a Solicitor, reported her to the Police and got Social services involved in 3 days is an achievement.

I am still on edge, but at least I know I have started the journey and I wont look back.

[escapingman]

Two big ones today assuring me I am doing the right thing....

1) GC who didn't speak to me this morning, told me to go away when she did and just avoided me came to me talking as soon as STBX left the house with SG to go to the shops. We had an OK time talked about things, but as soon as STBX came back she stopped speaking to me.

2) Was out with SG most of the day for a sports even she was part of, then came home for lunch and then out again just us. She told me she loves me so much and she never loved anyone as much as she loves me.

With these 2 facts, I know I am doing the right thing. I already knew but this really confirmed it.

[escapingman]

I am getting so tired of this, but I am so glad I am Out of the FOG and I am so glad I have been journaling for the last 2 years and taken voice recordings for the last year. Everything just went to much yesterday and I told her, this is it, we are divorcing. I have had enough. Does she accept it? Of course no. First thing she did was telling the kids dad is splitting the family up and start crying in front of them and telling them she got married for life and bla bla bla. Today, she is fighting for the marriage and has invented some weird love bombing phase. I have told her about 10 times to stop it and it wont make a difference what so ever. But she has convinced herself that her suddenly behaving, laughing, being good to me, the children and son on will save the marriage. What makes me so sad is that I know its a charade and that if she was like this all the time it would have been exactly how it should be. But as I told her, its to late, it will take you 3 days max before you turn on me again.

Breathe, deep breath, read the journal, listen to the voice recordings and nothing has changed. NOTHING has changed. Oh yes it has actually, I spoke to the police yesterday 

[losingmyself]

You are doing the right thing.
And you know what? Isn't love bombing more pleasant than the alternative? You know it isn't going to change your mind, but maybe take it for what it is... a little break.
I hope you're doing ok. Stay strong

[Boat Babe]

Love bombing is certainly more pleasant than full on abuse but it is a total charade, as we all know. It is manipulative BS to keep you trapped so she can milk you for Supply and maintain her status. You are entirely right to grey rock the love bombing.

Keep your eye on the prize.

[escapingman]

I assume love bombing is nicer than the follow on screaming and baiting, however right now I prefer the silent treatment. But, it's sickening to see what she is doing and how she is reacting. For every thing she doesn't get from me she quickly reacts in a bad way, but then come back trying again. Yesterday for example she tried to engineer something through the kids, I told them no and I heard her slamming something down in the kitchen as a reaction. Today she came into tell me something she wanted praise for, I didn't praise her so she stormed off closed the door behind her without a word. But apparently, she is trying.....  She really has convinced herself that by her deciding to to try again, we are trying again. Absolutely no respect for me saying no I am not doing it. I told her we will divorce, then I told her nothing has changed, then told her again nothing has changed, now I just let it be. I keep doing MC and GR and only talk about practical things that adulds must talk about, such as the childrens arrangements. Problem is that by me talking about things that regards the kids she think I am speaking to her, and therefor must have changed my mind and therefor not getting a divorce 

[escapingman]

The end game is near.

I booked something for me and the kids next week, something I know they love. I knew from the start it would be difficult with GC not only because she sides with stbx but also have some other issues. But SG was so excited dancing around about the trip, this was yesterday. Today she told me she doesn't want to go, asked her politely why but said it is OK if she doesn't want to go. She hid her face in the carpet refused to say and told me she really love to go but can't.... Came with first excuse she is going on the black friday sale, next was going out with friends, then she just left me and have sat with stbx for the rest of the evening.

I must end this now, and I must end it fast.

[escapingman]

Now she really got me into fighting mode. She might have thought she was clever, but fuck me she got me going now. Told me I owe her for 15+ years of marriage, so I am apparently not allowed to divorce her. I want to tell her this, that's fine and let me repay you during the next 15+ years and treat you as you treated me and let's see how fun that is for you.

I am angry now and I am ready to fight.

[square]

The logic is absurd 

So I guess you owe her for her suffering 15 years with you. And the payment she wants is 15 more years with you.

Ok, if being married to you was so awful that you owe her something, one divorce freeing her from misery coming right up.

[escapingman]

She is still moaning about my GR and MC but still smear me to the kids as soon as she is in a different room. It's just staggering how little she actually understand, I told her over and over again that the main reason I want a divorce is the back chatting to the kids. It's so sad to see a Narc in action when the FOG has lifted and realise you use to believe their shit.

[Simon]

This is the danger e.m.
No-one knows how to push your buttons better than her, and if all her tricks to get you to change your mind don't work, then she will use all her tricks to get a reaction out of you.

As Square said, that logic about the 15 years of your marriage makes no sense, and it won't make sense in court either, but if you react badly to it, you can be sure she'll be using your reaction against you, either in your home, or even in the courtroom.

I know it can't be easy, but it's really important you respond calmly, and don't allow her to get you to react.
If you remember that she's probably purposely trying to provoke a reaction out of you for her own agenda, then maybe it will be easier to not give her the reaction.

From this point on, she will be pushing all the buttons she can, trying everything she can to get you give up with the talk of divorce or to react in a negative way so that she can use it to her advantage later, so it's important that you see that early on and prepare your responses in advance.

Stick to the facts, stay logical and calm, don't say any more than you have to in these exchanges, don't over-explain yourself (will probably sound like an apology to her), and be prepared for her to use absolutely anything you've ever said to her in all the time you've been together.
There will be no limit on what she will bring up, so try not to react no matter how ludicrous her words are.

I feel for your kids having to go through all this, but from one of your other posts here, it sounds like you already have that covered, and are being the calm, understanding parent for them. They will see that eventually.

I don't know if you've checked out a YouTube channel I recommended a while back, but this guy went through a divorce from a Narcissist, and had kids caught up in the middle of it, and has a lot of useful info on his channel.
I believe he has a weekly phone-in too, and maybe one-on-one talks too (not sure), but I think it will help with what you're about to go through.

DSD (DadSurvivingDivorce)
https://www.youtube.com/c/DadSurvivingDivorce/videos

[escapingman]

Thanks for your reply Simon, but to clarify, yes I got anger, but anger inside me that K will use to GR and MC her and to get out. I didn't react, but it made me more determined to get out as fast as I can.

[escapingman]

OK, an OK day today. Spent almost all of it with SG and her having a match in her sports. Stbx hates it when we do the sports as she isn't involved. Was an incident with one of the other dads there, I suspect he is a PD (the radar is out there all the time now). But at home GC still ignores me, trying to frame me and trying to get me into the bad books. Stbx behaves like normal, reasonable OK today but nothing more. Still determined to press ahead with this as there is no alternative other than death.  Had this thing booked next weekend with the kids but GC wont come, SG also said no in the end. I asked her politely why she didn't want to come and I told her I really don't mind, her first answer was she felt weird in her stomach about going and that if she goes he mum (stbx) would be upset with her. Told her I don't mind what she does, but a big tick again for me in the why I am going ahead with this box.

So, I have decided I will go away on my own next weekend. I will probably instruct the solicitor to start the proceedings already next week and inform stbx when I am away. Then I have to take the decision if I should just stay away from there on, go back home and risk the fury or if I can get a flat or whatever and try to get my stuff over to it.

I have had enough.

[hhaw]

EM:

What did police say?

What did you say?

Please continue documenting everything.  Asking kids to choose between their parents is abusive.  Putting them in the middle is abusive.  Hitting them is abusive.  Screaming and raging at and/or around them is abusive.
Remember to remain the consistent, calm and level parent, always.

All the stupid things the PD says, to trigger you, are worthless stupidity.  Don't listen to her.  She has no power in the Courts.  The Judge will decide everything so please don't listen to the stbxPD.

Know you will get stronger with distance from stbx.

Know there will be waves of shock that come and go.  You'll have ups and downs.....till this ends.  Don't fight them.  Try not to fear the lows, but understand this is part of the process.  Expect and trust your recovery......the anger brings energy to help you keep moving, ime.

Tell the kids everything will be ok.  Mom will be ok....things will be different, but ok.  Mom is responsible for herself and emotions.... every adult is.  Mom will be fine and it's not the kid's job to worry about any adult.  Kids have their own jobs...,grades, sports, chores and discovering their passions.  That's it and it's inappropriate for mom to ask the children to involve themselves in the adult conflict or caretaking adult feelings.

Don't speak with emotion.....rather express regret the children are asked to think about things they shouldn't have to think about.  Let them know you won't ask them to choose.  Ever.  You love them no matter what, always and forever.  You believe in them and want them to know they have permission to ignore adults making sad choices.....I wouldn't finger point as no adult should ask the kids to choose it take sides.

I hope you have some 3d support, along with your team. 

The stbx will begin escalating her bucking bronco manipulations....being nice, angry, calm, raging in order to wear you down, Rob your energy or bait you into behaving irrationally so she can point at it and play victim.

You cannot allow her to bait you.  Please resist giving in to any demands she makes, bc her promises will be hollow and false.  She'll never follow through and she knows you will, so resolve to let the attorneys come up with plans, solutions and agreements.  There's nothing to gain from listening to the stbx.... you're better off limiting exposure to her, as you can, ime.

Separation will be next.....you will begin feeling like your old self....you will heal.  You are your best resource right now, do be very gentle and kind to yourself.  Know you can do this......many here will council you on next steps, settlement discussions and ending the divorce with economy of motion, expense and trauma to you and your children.

There will be trauma, but your fighting to give them some normalcy and a safe place to land.  Accept you can't fully protect the kids....accept you're mitigating harm as best you can and it's enough.

Be patient and continue building your team.  The kids need a good therapist.  You need a good T. 

I'm so proud of you, EM.  Truly.  You're doing a good job navigating your divorce.  There are no shortcuts.  Accept that and stay buckled in. 

This too shall end.