I don't even know where to start (part 2)

[Whiteheron]

If you've made it this far, thank you!

In part 1, I mentioned that xH and his gf secretly got married. It doesn't matter to me either way. He kept the entire thing secret until it was done, but then had a very public post-wedding party to celebrate. The kids were allowed to invite friends. DD invited two friends, and the parents of one of the friends were invited to attend.

I bring this up because one of the parents, let's call her Jane, is the attempted flying monkey. I hear from the kids that Jane was invited to the party and at first was very confused. xH has zero friends. He doesn't like this couple. All in attendance were co-workers (direct reports), except for this one couple. Then it hit me. I have known Jane for over 10 years. Our kids attend the same school, participate in the same extracurriculars. I am not close with Jane because she is the type that thrives on and spreads gossip and drama. In the past, xH has accused me of being her friend. Then it hit me. He still believes she's my friend, therefore he will bring her into his fold to... pump her for data? spread rumors and gossip about me? try to steal her away from me (attempted isolation)? who knows.

I guess I feel the need to get this off my chest because I never for one second thought I'd have to deal with a flying monkey. He looks down on all the parents from the school, so why would I be concerned? Once again, my initial thoughts of "that won't happen to me" were wrong. It happened.

I'm busy not giving it a second thought until DD's after school sport begins. For the first time ever, xH shows up to her games. Jane, now feeling she's part of his inner circle, sits next to him and *basks*. I swear, you'd have to see it to believe it. She *basks* in his "greatness". I find it nauseating, a bit silly, and childish. I'm amused by his antics, yet annoyed. I just want to be left alone.

Other people have noticed Jane's fawning behavior over xH, and her taking his new wife under her wing. At least I know it's not just me being overly sensitive and reading too much into this.

I'm annoyed and feeling out of sorts. He's infiltrated seemingly every aspect of my life, or is trying to. He's isolating me from my son, attempting to isolate me from parents at the school (and also attempting this with some of the administration, with whom I volunteer).

What it feels like? It feels like I'm being replaced in my own life.
The new wife could be my clone (although 10-15 yrs younger). She's overstepped her bounds twice with DD that I'm aware of - I had scheduled the flu vaccine for both kids and let xH know. Next thing I know, DD comes to me and says "stepmom told me I didn't have to get the flu shot if I don't want to, but I do want to". Excuse me? Then it comes out that new wife told DD to call her "mom." Pardon?

He's trying to erase me from my life, from the kids' lives, from my "friends" and people at the school. What is his endgame?

I never imagined I'd be in this position, and I have no idea how to respond, aside from ignoring it all.

[Penny Lane]

That's so strange about the new wife looking like you.

BM has had a string of boyfriends and none of them really look like DH. In fact she seemingly has a new type (short, pudgy, dark hair) that isn't at all what DH looks like. But one strange thing ... After the divorce he changed careers and he now makes less money. Think like, going from being a doctor to being a carpenter. Not quite that dramatic, but almost. She has been really awful about him getting "fired" from his previous career (he didn't, really) and how shameful it is, etc etc. Her last boyfriend, EXACT same industry as DH's new one. All of a sudden it's not shameful but noble. So weird.

The first thing I thought about your description of this other parent is that he was projecting, he always wanted to be friends with her. This could be true in addition to the isolation. The second thought I had when I heard about their behavior is that he's trying to line up his next affair partner. Ew.

When I met DH and he was concerned about BM isolating him from other parents, I advised him to basically go on a mini PR campaign with everyone who matters. And let go of the opinion of people who don't matter. With younger kids that was like, proactively contacting teachers, joining the PTA, inviting other kids to playdates at his house. I'm not sure what that would look like with older parents. But maybe a lot of it can be let go, like, does it really matter what this woman thinks of you?

Can you bring a friend or relative or whatever to kids events for a little moral support?

I'm sorry, this sounds really frustrating.

[Whiteheron]

Thanks for your response, Penny!

The second thought I had when I heard about their behavior is that he's trying to line up his next affair partner. Ew..

Yuck. I can honestly say this never crossed my mind. I don't believe he would, because she has kids, which would take her focus off of him - this was the problem with his first gf (who had four kids and looked nothing like me).
xH has tried this with two of my actual friends, who were aware enough to steer clear of him. Who knows what his motives are. However, I find that each time I brush something like this off, it comes back to bite me. So I sit here and overanalyze.

It honestly doesn't matter what Jane thinks of me. I know her game. She has inserted herself into the business of another divorcing couple and plays them off of each other.  I hear the things she says about the ex-wife (who she also pretends to be friends with), and can only imagine she says the same about me 

I am very active at the school. Most of the teachers know me and have known me for years. I volunteer with the administration. I'm helpful, I'm friendly. Jane has no standing at the school and is unlikely to gain any for reasons I can't put in writing in case anyone I know is lurking on this board. The parents she sidles up to and schmoozes are not in my circle. 

I don't have anyone I can bring to the games for support. I am fine sitting by myself, and I have actually met a few parents who are new to the school this year. I've enjoyed getting to know them, if only superficially.

As for xH's current wife, there are more similarities than just a physical resemblance. When I went back to work, I entered a new field. His new wife happens to work in this very same field. For a summer gig, I teach...she teaches on the side. I really hope the similarities end there. It's a bit unnerving and fuels my theory that I'm actively being replaced.

[Latchkey]

What it feels like? It feels like I'm being replaced in my own life.
The new wife could be my clone (although 10-15 yrs younger).

Ugh, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Maybe you can look at some of this as a way to spot things that do differentiate you from her.

In hindsight, looking closer into the dating/marriage and behavior patterns of my exN/ASPD H is chilling. When I married my now ex I wasn't told the honest circumstances of his prior divorces. It was only when my own marriage had spun out of control and I was reaching out to his closest (but still pretty distant) friend that I found out he had a "pattern" in his behaviors and preferences. It was like a gut punch on a gut punch and I am still sometimes just blown away how it was all hidden from me by people I trusted.

One thing that concerned me was that his new wife also stopped coloring her hair early in the r/s marriage. I realized he had done that with me, telling me that he wanted natural. The effect was that I looked really bad and felt self conscious and likely so did she with our hair growing out while he looked great.

I know that at least the last 3 of his wives, me included, put on weight during the marriage and that he remained thin. Then I realized he loved to cook and made sure I ate late after 9 pm, always had bread for me, always big portions for me, and in the beginning he even made sure I had chocolate after dinner every night.   

I also noticed, sadly, that all of his wives stayed about the same age as he got older....

At any rate, the creepiness of it all is not lost on me with your ex's new wife. I hope you can find ways to distinguish who you are from his shallowness and it could be a time to celebrate who you are... older, wiser, and much more attractive now that you've divorced.