New here

[Kate_S]

Hello,
I am new here and am married to someone with NPD (whom I believe to be a covert narcissist). My spouse of 16 years has subjected me to various types of abuse including psychological/emotional, sexual and financial.  After 15 years of feeling ignored, devalued, blamed, invalidated and neglected, I had an extramarital affair in search of the love and appreciation I have not received in my marriage. (No judgment, please- I do know that my choice was morally wrong and am not justifying it). My NPD spouse discovered the affair and unleashed a fury of abuse, including putting a hidden GPS tracker on my car, restricting where I go and when and requiring frequent and extensive check ins if I am gone. My spouse also began demanding frequent sec as a way to prove my affair was over and as a sign of my contrition and devotion after the affair. This included the use of threats, intimidation and coercion to demand sexual interaction with me as a form of "punishment" for my affair. If I do not agree to and/or initiate sex, my spouse assumes that my affair is continuing and is using this as a means of justifying control over me in terms of trying to "catch" me doing something wrong with an unprecedented hypervigilance about where I go, whom I am communicating with, and what I am doing. I am at my breaking point from this and desperately want to separate but am afraid to do so because I am the full time caregiver to our special needs child and have been unable to work/earn an income for @12 years. I do not have currently the financial means to leave or support myself & my child. My spouse continuously maintains that he is the victim and that all the problems in our marriage are directly caused by me and my shortcomings and he refuses to take responsibility for any of the issues in the marriage. I am isolated from my family and have very few friends to talk to about my situation and am desperately hoping for support from others here who have experienced intimate partner narcissistic abuse and/or can relate to my situation. My feelings are dismissed and invalidated by my spouse. I just need to feel that I am not alone in this and am not "crazy" or imagining this abuse. Thank you in advance for your support.

[xredshoesx]

i am so sorry you find yourself here but i am so glad you reached out.

you are not alone.  there are other members who for many reasons cannot leave their relationship.

you are not crazy.  the gaslighting you are experiencing is by design and part of the process of control that is a hallmark of abuse in ANY relationship.

you are worthy of love, caring and respect.  perhaps the biggest takeaway we can help you with here is to reinforce that you are worthy of these things and to put your own voice back in your head to drown out the messages you hear from your H.

you are worthy of a support system as you navigate the waters of your relationship with your H

please keep yourself safe and do what you need to do to cover your tracks by clearing out your browser history, cookies and cache when you are able to visit and get support from the community.

[bloomie]

Adding another warm welcome and validation that you are worthy of love, caring, respect, and a support system. I am so sorry for the circumstances you are facing and thankful you have reached out for some support.

I hope this community can be a good resource and place to share and gain insights, tools, and perspective.

There is a great deal of good help at the drop down menus above, the other online resources mentioned throughout the forum boards, and in the conversations taking place.

I look forward to supporting you and wish you much strength as you find a firm path forward.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Kate_S!  😃

First, welcome to the wonderfully accepting world of Out of the FOG!  You are now among the many friendly people here who experience the variety of abuses, inflicted by a person(s) with a personality disorder.  Out of the FOG is a place where you are TRULY not alone, and you will fit in here very well. 

So, pull up a sittin' log and join us around the Out of the FOG campfire discussions we call the forum boards.  As the other two have already mentioned, the tabs at the top are a wonderful place to begin your journey, as we all walk along this trail together and share our experiences.  I especially recommend the 'toolbox' tab. 

Second, im so very sorry you have experienced all you wrote.  Your feelings are fully validated here and in this group, you are also fully accepted.  See you around the boards! 

SoT

[SunnyMeadow]

Welcome to the forums Kate_S! Please keep reading and posting as often as you can. No judgement from me and I'll bet many people will be able to relate to what you wrote.

please keep yourself safe and do what you need to do to cover your tracks by clearing out your browser history, cookies and cache when you are able to visit and get support from the community.

Yes, all of this! Also is there a way to check for a keystroke tracker?

I know you feel you can't leave but with what's going on now, you can't stay. It sounds intolerable for you. Hopefully others will be able to give real examples of help available for you and your child. I agree with you wanting to separate from him. The anxiety he's putting you through is going to cause even more serious damage to you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

How about reaching out to a group that's involved with the special need your child has or a women's shelter? Many of these professional people know of good resources to help you take some baby steps out of this abusive marriage. I'd even reach out to isolated family members that you think can be trusted.