Well. It’s fall.

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

No, you're right. I haven't been there.

Things are a bit better for now.

Oh no sorry I didn't mean it as a bad thing. I understand the wanting to as it would be easier. It is easier to get out once the other party goes there.

Sending love ❤️

[square]

Love to you too, hon 

[RedBalloon]

I'm sorry, this sounds like such a terrible way to live. I understand your fear of how to survive if you leave. I wonder if you could get a free session with a lawyer to look into separating and keeping the house? Or if you have to leave, finding a roommate situation?

[square]

Yeah a roommate situation would be necessary.

Right now things are good.

H was feeling a bit better. Then started using the SAD lamp.

It's like a demon was exorcised. He is now a normal human being. He has the up, down, and neutral moods of a normal human being. He can be irritated without striking terror in my heart. Normal.

Really enjoying it.

But.

From a lot of experience I know it doesn't last. We've had potential treatments/cures before. They all wear off.

I'm just going to enjoy it as log as I can.

Crazy thing is, I really like my husband. I just do. I like how he thinks. When he's sane I can talk to him like nobody else in the world. He gets me, even my annoying ways. We also mostly get wach other's humor, and the bits that don't overlap make life interesting.

Sigh. What a tragedy this illness is, whatever it is. It stole us from each other.

[Andeza]

I'm glad it's bought you a reprieve, no matter how long it ends up being. 

[JustKeepTrying]

Hi square,

I know I'm jumping in late but reading all of this thread struck a real chord in me. My xOCPDh was the most brutal in the winter.  We live in a part of the world is known for lack of sunlight and the winters really bring on SAD.  I tried the light therapy with him and while it helped me - he scoffed.  I am glad that it is helping yours and I hope it will continue to do so.

I wanted to offer a little advice about the finances.  I want to encourage you to find a way to see a lawyer.  I don't where you are - that's ok - but you may have more options than you think.  I was offered the possiblity of a seperation - legally still married and entitiled to the money just not living together.  I couldn't see that working so I went for the divorce. 

I left him suddenly - just walked out.  I stayed with a friend for a few days with my then teen DS.  My older kids were on their own.  I was prepared to stay in supported housing.  To move and get supported housing however bad it was.  I looked at efficiencies and really stretched my finances for a long time.  I lived on a sleeping bag in an empty room and used fast food plastic utensils.  It was sparse but I was happy.  And so was my son.  I had no idea how hard it was for him.

My moments with depression all came during those fall/winter months when my ex was at his worst.  Please Please Please make sure you take care of yourself and sit with light box as well.  Do everything you can to keep yourself together.

[Boat Babe]

I  reading that two of you would be okay of your h found a new partner and left.

Not piling on here, I have many times thought it would be the easiest way forward, would have welcomed it.

Just tossing out some random thoughts.

If you would relieved of your h left to another woman there's not alot of connection left.

If him leaving would be doable, financially etc then what is keeping you.

I wondered if I was sort of thinking mine would not be okay alone with iht me but if H has a different caretaker it would be okay.

If this is part of it, is it not proxy caretaking?

Or is it about them being the quitter and not us.  Is it about wanting to be the one who was left and not the other way around.

Looking back I see that my pdh left the marriage decades ago.  He never physically left, but left the marriage.  He stayed for the parenting.

I allowed it.

I wanted too long then kids came
Then I have stayed to raise them etc.  Now that they are in college PDH is becoming dementia and cannot actually be alone.

We all have tough questions with no easy answers.

I thought this too.