BDP sister strikes again - any advice welcome

[marymackblack]

My BDP sister had previously agreed to fly my mother with Alzheimer's to my home in CA for Xmas. Mom wants to come to CA and it will be mom's last time she can do something like this and still remember us.
It is a big trip for my sister to take on, as she would be flying from her home to mom's then out here then back , both ways. I had asked her if she could do just one way, but she volunteered to do both ways and said she was up for bringing her, that was in Sept.  I have repeatedly asked her about her dates and tickets and she is radio silent. This morning she has emailed me that she will only bring mom for Xmas if I meet her demands of having equal care and decisions for my mom. She's also asked that I answer every text or email question that I haven't answered in the past year before she will commit to bringing mom.  (Any text or email that went unanswered was a grey rock reaction from me because it was drama or unrealistic).
I can't tell if she just doesn't want to do it, or if this is a borderline tactic to create trouble for me.

[moglow]

So she's placing conditions instead of doing as she originally promised? And at mom's expense so she/sis can cry foul when you don't jump to her demands. Swell. Lovely.

I'd probably ask politely that she condense her questions/concerns into one email so you can address in one place and not overlook anything. You then apply BIFF (brief informative firm friendly) principles - with heavy emphasis on brief, for your sanity.

Take your time and step away if/when needed to keep from that knee jerk response to her drama. Focus on actual practical questions rather than the emotion of it all - keep yourself to yourself and shut hers out, in other words. As my brother says, they can't get your goat if they don't know where it is.

Travel arrangements need to be made sooner rather than later, and it's already nearing late for booking holiday travel. It may be that has already been done and she's just needing her drama fix in the meantimr. I hope that's the case for your sake!

Keep breathing, keep finding and exercising that gray rock!

[marymackblack]

Thanks Moglow. That goat quote is my new go to! So good.

[moglow]

You're welcome - He's full 0f them! Our grandfather trained him well.

[bloomie]

marymackblack - THIS... what you are experiencing is the crux of the situations that arise when we share a vulnerable elder or child or business or anything with a sibling or partner that refuses to communicate clearly and cooperate respectfully. This has been the hardest part of caring for a vulnerable elder 'with' a sibling that is strategic and a master at chaos manufacture.

I am wondering... if your mother's funds are financing the trip are you able to check and see if tickets have been purchased and what dates they are purchased for?

Beyond that... Mo's suggestion of a BIFF to respond to any 'questions and concerns' your sister says are unaddressed, in writing, one time is a really good one.

In our own case with similar situations trying to get firm details about travel feeds the drama... attempting to get a sibling to commit to certain dates ahead of time regarding our own elder only escalates the chaos/confusion around details.

You may have to wait out the flights/date details - as we have had to do many times. It is inconvenient and frustrating and ridiculous, but we have had to take that approach because no matter how kindly or respectfully we attempt to nail things down - from holidays to travel dates -  if my DH's sibling perceives she has something we want or need, some way to put a pencil in her brother's fan, she will maximize the opportunity to passively/agressively express her extreme, simmering anger over not having control over our elder's finances.

The details are being held 'hostage' unless you comply, answer to your sister, and give her equal control. That is so terribly wrong and lacking in love and compassion for everyone in the family and I am really sorry you are experiencing this stress and chaos with a mom who is struggling and vulnerable.

Love Moglow's goat quote, too!

[marymackblack]

Hi Bloomie,
Thank you.
No tickets have been purchased, she needs me to do that as she doesn't have access to her finances. Sis has been stalling on dates since I asked her in early Oct to let me know what dates she wants to bring her.  I have emailed her 4  times since asking to please pick dates as I'm worried about plane seats and availability. She never wrote back except once to ask for the name of a hotel nearby. Original ask was to both my siblings , asking if either of them would be willing to bring her to CA for Xmas as it's the last time it will be possible and what she wants. She wrote back immediately that she would do it. Other sibling never replied. I said I'd find someone to do one way and she could do the other, she said she wanted to do both ways.  Needless to say I see now why she jumped on the opportunity and has been stalling for so long. Tis the cycle - seduce, manipulate,  inevitably followed by threats, victimhood,  rage. All at my mom's expense.
Anyway, I have an option to hire caregivers to travel with her instead, or my Uncle or of course I can fly her myself, although it would be difficult.
Alternately I can visit her for Xmas and not travel her out here and tell her I'll have her out in the spring , which I will organize someone else to bring her by then.  Or I can "see" what sis "wants" in return but isn't that a can of awful worms?
ugh. Thank you

[square]

I see two options:

1) You let it go. Accept the trip won't happen. Refuse to take the responsibility, shrug it off. Oh well, you tried. Care less about it than sis - she has you hostage because you care, that's the only currency you have.

2) If you truly care about making this happen, make all plans without her. Don't bother informing her unless she asks. If she asks just say you already arranged it. When she tantrums, don't JADE, just don't care. Don't explain why you had to do it without her. Don't respond to her accusations. Just let her stew in it all by herself.

[marymackblack]

Yes, that feels right and resonates, it's a lose lose lose to reply in any way. My goat is nowhere to be found! Thanks.

[marymackblack]

Good news:
I found and hired a wonderful woman that runs a Senior Travel Companion Service and has many years of experience flying Seniors and people with dementia.
She will be mom's companion for the flights and travel to visit  this Xmas.

There is always another way, and I remind myself of the WHO song "Don't get fooled again.... " when I think of relying on my PD sister.

[bloomie]

Woo Hoo!!! You did it! Bravo!

[square]

Wow!!!

[marymackblack]

Yes , with all of your help and a lot of new found skills I did!