Co-parenting, parallel parenting, counter-parenting

[sevenyears]

So, Co-parenting is the ideal. Parallel parenting is what we strive for when parenting with a (U)PD Ex. I think we need to come up with a new term for our reality: counter parenting. This is when one parent (the PD) undermines the other parent, and that parent has to repair the damage done to the children. What's your experience?

[Penny Lane]

Omg this is so true. If BM had her way, she would block DH from doing ANYTHING. The kids would be in no sports, join no clubs, go to no camps, DH would have to run all playdates through her (and she would drop the ball/block any playdates with kids of parents who intimidate her, which is all of them). She complains whenever he makes a doctor's appointment. She tells him that she's not on board with a course of action, and then when he shifts course, she complains that he made the decision without her. Then when he asks her to weigh in further, she ignores it. Last week she didn't let DSD bring her homework back to our house, she said she would drop it off. DH texted her to arrange dropoff. No response for 24 hours. Poor DSD had to call her herself - basically BM FORCED DSD into the middle of what should have been a parents' discussion (and honestly shouldn't have happened at all, she should let DSD bring the homework!)

Honestly the only way any basic parenting gets done at all is that DH works around her or ignores her. It is MORE WORK than being a single parent with no coparent at all, because like you said he has to work AGAINST (and around) her for the kids to get their basic needs met.

She has been especially bad lately but it's always been like this to some degree. She refuses to make decisions and then complains when DH makes decisions.

That's not even to mention the emotional damage that we are constantly, CONSTANTLY addressing.

Yes, counter parenting, I like the phrase, don't like having to do it.

[Boat Babe]

I can imagine the relentless drag of counter parenting.  My heart goes out to everyone going through this.  ❤️

[Poison Ivy]

The best description for my then husband, now ex, is "no parenting."

[Associate of Daniel]

Excellent description of the reality for many of us.

AOD

[JustKeepTrying]

Wow.  Valid point and great description.

I'm at counter parenting to no parenting.  Brutal.

[Stillirise]

 

I think of it as a continuation of the same behaviors that led to the end of the marriage in the first place. It's counter productive, no matter what the objective.

I keep hanging my hopes on the fact that one stable, loving household can be enough to break the cycle, for these kids.  The fact that that we're all here trying to figure out the best ways to do that, has to count for something.  I feel like I counteract the counter parenting, some days better than others.

[Boat Babe]

I think of it as a continuation of the same behaviors that led to the end of the marriage in the first place. It's counter productive, no matter what the objective.

I keep hanging my hopes on the fact that one stable, loving household can be enough to break the cycle, for these kids.  The fact that that we're all here trying to figure out the best ways to do that, has to count for something.  I feel like I counteract the counter parenting, some days better than others.

I would emphatically say YES to one, loving, stable household. Everything that I have read points to this. You, the sane and loving parent, are the protective factor in your child's life.  The Adverse Childhood Experiences study has listed factors of resilience and one loving, stable person in a child's life can be the difference between good  or bad outcomes.

Read up on the other factors as there may be elements missing in your lives that can be included to improve outcomes.

IMO, sticking around a toxic person is the worst thing you can do for your children. I fully accept that for some people it is the lesser of two evils as many men don't get full custody. 

[Poison Ivy]

In defense of my ex, I can say that he was a good parent when our children were very young. Starting in their preteen years, not so much; I don't know whether that had more to do with his  other life circumstances at that time or with him having general difficulties relating to older children and young adults. His "no spousing" behavior really kicked in at that time, too.

[sevenyears]

Holy cow. 

https://www.onemomsbattle.com/post-separation-abuse

[Penny Lane]

Wow. I read through this and was like, yes, yes, yes, every single thing on this list BM has done. I'm glad to see that the counter parenting that feels abusive is classified as such.

[Whiteheron]

Holy cow. 

https://www.onemomsbattle.com/post-separation-abuse

Thank you for posting, this is very accurate (unfortunately).

[SammysMom]

This is unbelievably accurate. Thank you for sharing.