You’ll Marry Someone Like Your Father/Mother?

[11JB68]

JALG I just think that the PD parent groomed us to believe they are good/right etc....
In fact my updm, although she ended up hating Updh and telling me he was being abusive to me, did me a HUGE disservice when I was getting married by basically infantilizing me too Updh... Telling him I was not good with money, his responsibility now etc...

[Call Me Cordelia]

My husband is an INTJ.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

JALG I just think that the PD parent groomed us to believe they are good/right etc....
In fact my updm, although she ended up hating Updh and telling me he was being abusive to me, did me a HUGE disservice when I was getting married by basically infantilizing me too Updh... Telling him I was not good with money, his responsibility now etc...

I agree! My father did that too JB. He has always treated me like a child incapable of making my own decisions. When I married my uPDH, my father was angry with him because he didn't ask for my hand. 🙄 He then told my uPDH that I now "belonged to him" as if I was some sort of possession which he was giving away. I wondered why my dad didn't ask for some goats and $5000 dowry. He seriously seemed to have that mindset. Very sad that you've experienced it too

[SonofThunder]

INTJ is supposed to be the rarest type, but it's the one I see mentioned most often - not just here.

I wonder if INTJs are the type most likely to know what they are, lol.

I dont want to hijack, but us INTJ's are into the fine details and naturally investigative/organized, so "most likely to know what they are.."?   Funny yes, but its a good fit. 

My issue, because i was groomed by a uPDf to be an high-performing extrovert (for his attempted trophy collection of his children's accomplishments), and then married him in my uPDw, is that i have not known who i really am (as designed to be) until i got Out of the FOG of PD's.  I am now proactively enjoying the real me, and relaxing into my God-given introversion and my detailed nature. Those traits have all been marginalized as abnormal, by both of the PD's in my life. Ha!

Those traits have all been to my benefit in enforcement of the toolbox in my boundaries to protect myself, and careful, detailed planning to now be ready for departure.  Took me 10 years (pre-Out of the FOG) to steady unwind myself from my uPDf's financial control-web regarding my self-employed occupation, but i am 100% free and Out of the FOG hindsight tells me why i just knew i had to get free . The last 5+ years (since Out of the FOG) i have been doing the same with my uPDw, and at this time, im financially ready to set sail, but waiting on a few things (that may never occur), but im toolbox protected. 

So yes im grateful for my INTJ traits, but surely did marry my father 

SoT

[Aeon]

Yes, Justanotherlostgirl. I'm still with him, I didn't have the brains or self-esteem to leave when I should have and age makes it tough, now, sadly.

It's devolved to strange run around of, "Yes, that's right Aeon, I'm getting better and the future looks bright!" and then 3 weeks later turns into, "Don't ever complain about me or my behaviour 'cos you need to treat me better, you need to treat me the exact way that I will not (probably never) treat you, got it?"

I foolishly thought he was getting better but I am now realizing I was silly and trying very hard to adjust my thinking to the reality. My other option is staying with my PD mother.
It could be worse, I think. 

Son of Thunder: I think you're right about the "not repeating past errors". I think if I found someone again the odds would be good that it would just be more of the dirt thrown at me after the mask came off. As a scapegoat, I did not see myself as a people pleaser but I have certainly tolerated a great deal more than perhaps others would have, 'cos "I'm worthless and the cause of problems." You talking about getting things together inspires me to possible spend the rest of days (after some preparation) in joy and peace, thanks.

[SonofThunder]

Yes, Justanotherlostgirl. I'm still with him, I didn't have the brains or self-esteem to leave when I should have and age makes it tough, now, sadly.

It's devolved to strange run around of, "Yes, that's right Aeon, I'm getting better and the future looks bright!" and then 3 weeks later turns into, "Don't ever complain about me or my behaviour 'cos you need to treat me better, you need to treat me the exact way that I will not (probably never) treat you, got it?"

I foolishly thought he was getting better but I am now realizing I was silly and trying very hard to adjust my thinking to the reality. My other option is staying with my PD mother.
It could be worse, I think. 

Son of Thunder: I think you're right about the "not repeating past errors". I think if I found someone again the odds would be good that it would just be more of the dirt thrown at me after the mask came off. As a scapegoat, I did not see myself as a people pleaser but I have certainly tolerated a great deal more than perhaps others would have, 'cos "I'm worthless and the cause of problems." You talking about getting things together inspires me to possible spend the rest of days (after some preparation) in joy and peace, thanks.

Aeon,

Quite welcome for any encouragement to you regarding prep.  This wonderful PD education provides a world of predictability with PD's, therefore easier for me to plan accordingly to minimize the potential exit damage.   Also, Yes! right there with you on not repeating.  Im damaged goods,  but solo I will do well; spend time with friends, kids and their families, hobbies, travel and lot of peace and steady healing. 

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

I have thought about the whole marrying your parents thing. 

I don't think I did.  I think that I set out to do the opposite.  My mom is an adult child if alcoholic parents.  She has a few bad coping mechanisms but is not a pd.  My father grew up with alcoholics and was one him self. My brothers were both drug users in their teens one left it behind and the other livedwith alcoholism and addiction yet had a great work ethic and was successful at making money even if he managed it poorly. 

The brother who remained an addict was a narcissist.  My parents were not involved enough in the details of the house and what we kids were up to and trusted the school system and "village"to raise us to a large extent. 

I got involved in a evangelical church youth group and though if I picked someone who did not drink or take drugs etc etc all would be well.  Growing up with the narc and the mild to moderate dysfunction  in the home caused me to miss the red flags.