Projection/hypocrisy

[11JB68]

I was looking for the most recent iteration of batsh*t crazy but couldn't find it.
Sometimes I'm not sure if this is hypocrisy, lack of insight, or projection.
For example ..
Updh changes car radio station 10 times in 5 minutes, skipping over 5 songs I'd be happy to listen to, cuz none meet with his approval... Went on a rant a few weeks ago about too few stations and bad music...
Yet I made one comment tonight about the cvs near us playing awful music too loud....
"Well JB you're difficult to please when it comes to music. "
And THIS is why I cannot even have a simple conversation with him anymore...

[SeaBreeze]

Ah yes... This happens with uNPDh a lot. Where do I start? *Wry laugh*

Here's one example. I've changed a few recipes over the years to suit uNPDh's ever-changing dietary preferences. Now, when we go out to eat, he expresses surprise when I order dishes containing *his* banned ingredients. He'll say "I thought you didn't like that. You never use *insert banned ingredient* at home." 

[Justanotherlostgirl]

I have many examples.

My favorite one is that he complains I never made food for him. I DID make food for him, I spent my own money buying food for him. He would come home late or not at all, so never ate it, then got mad at me for not eating it and wasting it.

Another, I think pretty common one:

Me: *talking to online friends (actual friends btw)*
Him: cheater! You're cheating! You're always talking to people on your phone! You must be cheating on me.
Him: *talking to hookers online constantly and cheating on me as many times as possible*
Me: why do you always come home late? Are you cheating?
Him: gasp! How could you think such a thing, I love you so much! Only a cheater would think that!

[Boat Babe]

All of the above with a big dose of delusion and memory problems I reckon. It's the false self, under pressure, doing a mad juggling act to gain control, get supply and maintain a false facade. Scary shit

[SonofThunder]

Since projection and hypocrisy are connected in my experiences with my uPDw, her projection is typically a 'deflection' to hide the 'deception' of the hypocrisy within the projection i experience. 

So therefore what is being projected onto me, I use as a silent proactive mental note to look for (and journal about) that very thing (while respecting her privacy in a manner i desire for myself) in her activities.  Therefore, if I am accused of an emotional online affair (because i may be on my phone more than normal), my uPDw is probably having online chats with single men on private social media apps.

Shes going to get lazy/sloppy one of these days and something will be exposed, which is to my benefit in my specific plans.  So...not to hijack, I actually welcome the projection because they give me investigative clues, which can be slightly entertaining in a covert awareness type of way.   

SoT

[D.]

I was just thinking about projection and trying to understand better.  In my work whenever someone accuses me of lying or being dishonest it really makes me question their  honesty.  I take it as a sign of projection and keep an eye out for the words from that person.  That's pretty easy to observe.  But there are other situations that are less obvious for me.
I've been less active here b/c I've pretty much cut off communicating w/the uPDs (no need to communicate w/uPDxH now since offspring are grown, a sporadic monthly phone call or text w/uPD parents).
But, I find this topic more difficult for myself - I suspect I sometimes "project" (a flea I suppose) and really want to stop doing so.  Especially at work.  It's so stressful.  I read some great articles about how to harness and use projection much as has been described here as an opportunity to hear the internal reality of a person and respond to that rather than react to the projection itself.  I saw an example of a therapist telling the BPD patient when given an extreme projection statement something along the lines of planning to help the patient not experience so much internal pain.
I think I project w/assuming others think I am fat - projecting my thoughts about myself unfortunately.  But I'm working on it!  That one is I know thanks to the tapes I heard for 40+ years from uPDxH and uPD parents.
I'm looking forward to hearing about examples on this thread to continue learning about projection, recognize it, and ways to respond.  I really appreciate the clarity here of so many people when they encounter projection.

[11JB68]

SOT I can understand your point.
Unfortunately I cannot stand it, it's one of the things that drives me crazy.
BUT now that I've learned/realized what it is I can so readily see it/ ID it, it's quite amazing to me, I'm so glad I'm in tune to it now.
The sad thing for me is that I truly cannot just have a casual chat with Updh about anything... Yet he claims that he 'really likes me a lot' 'loves me' etc... Yet what he SHOWS is..... Disdain?

[SonofThunder]

SOT I can understand your point.
Unfortunately I cannot stand it, it's one of the things that drives me crazy.
BUT now that I've learned/realized what it is I can so readily see it/ ID it, it's quite amazing to me, I'm so glad I'm in tune to it now.
The sad thing for me is that I truly cannot just have a casual chat with Updh about anything... Yet he claims that he 'really likes me a lot' 'loves me' etc... Yet what he SHOWS is..... Disdain?

11JB68, Im sorry you experience that from your husband.  Both my uPDf and my uPDw, do the same thing.  Imo the meaning behind "really likes me a lot" and "loves me" are all tied to my performance level (or lack thereof) in servitude.  When i was caretaking both, they directed those lines to me as a pat on the back, as i was keeping them well cared-for and their PD bellies full. 

But now, with me Out of the FOG with the toolbox in full protective mode, those two statements are totally stated to me as a facade-shield, attempting to:

1. Keep me positioned near in the relationship(s) so they can look collected and calm to the outside world, and in my uPDw's case, keep the finances flowing.

2. Attempt to keep me stable and satisfied (lol like empty words do so well...) so they can covertly get their needed caretaker supply elsewhere, since mine fizzled out.

SoT

[11JB68]

SOT  yes!! Same. In fact this week when Updh said he likes me a lot it was right after I did a chore before going off to work. I actually said to him: why? Because I did x?

[SonofThunder]

SOT  yes!! Same. In fact this week when Updh said he likes me a lot it was right after I did a chore before going off to work. I actually said to him: why? Because I did x?