Splitting

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Prior to my decision to divorce, I went to therapy to learn how to live the "best" I could with my husband.  I truly didn't see myself wanting or getting a divorce.  I just wanted to live in peace.  Little did I know, the next 2 years in therapy was really my walking - crawling more like it - Out of the FOG.  Once out, I was done.  Interestingly, at the same time (probably started before), he slowly took me off the pedestal, very subtly....   Even before I told him I wanted a divorce, I asked him if he still loved me, if he wanted to work on our marriage.  He replied, "I don't know".  I recognize that comment now as another form of manipulation to try to get me to beg him to work on it....to plead.  It's like he is so weak in character he can't even recognize as an adult if he wants to be in the marriage or not.  He wanted the drama - he wanted to be fought for - ugh.  I think he wanted to see me weak - to know that he still has control over me.  He definately saw that the control was slipping fast.

Once I was Out of the FOG, truly out, I told him in about 2 weeks I was done, with an almost 20 year marriage.  He then - finished his splitting very fast and very hard.  I'm thankful that I don't love him anymore, or want to work on it, or have small children, because I could see how this could be just so heart wrenching, so painful.  To look at someone, that used to treasure you, love you, and now looks at you with such apathy or hatred must be so awful.  For me, it's hard, but only because it's like an annoying bug that I can't get rid of.  I do get angry thinking about how he's abused me emotionally and financially.   I used to cry every day about that, but I'm getting better about letting go and seeing the positive. 

I've read alot of the books people have posted here.  And, they have helped me tremendously. 

What helped me get Out of the FOG, was embracing that we only have one life.  That's it.   I don't want to live like this any longer.  I don't have too, I don't have to be loyal to this abuser, I don't have to support him, I don't have to take his anger/critism/lies/manipulation/abuse any second longer.

Now, when he calls me a "psycho bitch" or "freak" or accuses me of having affairs, of abusing him (really??), it bounces off me.  One time, when he told me he had pictures of me, texts, letters to document my affair I walked away and started laughing.  If he said that a year ago, I would have been devasted - tried to tell him he's wrong - asked him how do I prove you're wrong - blah blah blah.  UGH.

When I started thinking about the divorce, I was asking myself do I want to change my name back to my maiden name?  Originally, I thought I wouldn't - we have a son, I wanted to have his last name....   Now, I am looking forward to having my birth name back.  My last name that I was born with and will die with. 

I'm slowly finding my peace, in my one life, that's back to being mine.  (For the record, I'm open minded enough to think, yeah, maybe we have other lives, but I'm not counting in it

[escapingman]

What a wonderful and encouraging post! My stbx is splitting like crazy right now, since I told her we are getting a divorce she has been love bombing me, but when that doesn't work she is trying to manipulate me by insinuating directly or through the kids that I am the one with a problem and I need help. Sure as hell I need help, but not the help she think I do. Yesterday one of my kids (her golden child) was screaming at the other not letting her settling. I tried to deal with the situation, but ended up being screamed at as well as stbx has manipulated GC to the extent that she has no respect for me anymore. It all ended up with stbx coming out of her bedroom screaming at us all and wonder why we all can't get along. I have stopped trying to tell her that no one can get along when she manipulates everybody against each other. So this morning she comes into me asking me if I am in a better mood. The splitting is just chocking, I can't take it anymore. The one in a bad mood was her, I was trying to sort a fight between the kids, that she had engineered thanks to her manipulations. Then after this she talks to GC starting to moan about me and why I am so miserable, turning GC further against me.

Thanks for sharing your story!